Kiss

This past Monday was my ex husband's birthday.  He would have been 59 years old.  It has certainly been a journey for my son and myself.  We still talk about my ex, Cal, and remember him fondly.  I know it sounds weird, but, with all the mess we went through.  He was a good man before the manusha of life got too real for him,  it can get too real for all of us.

Anyways . . . .

My son had made a couple of CDs with music that my ex loved and played these CDs at Cal's memorial.  There were a lot of great songs, but Cal loved the band KISS.  He had seen them a couple of times in Philadelphia where he grew up.  The song that my son had added on the CD was "Beth."  I love that song and I could still see my ex sitting back relaxing have a glass of tea.  You thought I was going to say, "a beer."  HA  Yeah, he sometimes would have a beer too.  I do miss Cal.  I miss our talks, smoking Hookah, drinking gin and tonics, sitting by the fire pit and enjoying the evening in our backyard at our 100 year old home.  He was truly one of my best friends. 

It is hard not to forget what my family and I were put through by Cal.  He was drowning in his darkness, and there was nothing I could do.  I believe that God took mercy on Cal and took him home.  I know the desperate love that Cal had for the Lord, and I know now, Cal is who he should have been from the beginning of time. 

Happy Birthday, Cal.  I am sure it was a great one for you.  God always gives His best to his children.

 

 

KISS, "Beth"

 

 



Melody

Sometimes all you need is a melody to tell your story.

 

 

"Prom Night"  Aaron Zigman

 

 

October, November and December

Yikes, it has been several months since my last post.  I have been a busy girl!  A lot has been going on in my life.  I enjoyed my holidays immensely!  A new year is upon us and I am just writing on this 5th day of January 2017!!  I am still working in the E.R..  I am still getting things together in my life, a continuous process.  I am keeping this entry short, you'd think with all the goings on in my life these last several months I would be blabber mouthing all over the place.  Maybe, all I need to do is share my last months with you in photos. 

I will be signing off for the night, but before I do.  I want to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!  I believe we need God's grace and mercy for 2017.

 

  

 

  

 

 

Good Night . . .

 

 

 

On Second thought . . . .

It is the first day of Autumn.  How could I think I could not share how this time of year makes me feel.  It is a refreshing time of discovery and life.  I had signed out of my blog, thinking that I could just close my blog.  There is so much I want to share, whether, it is important to you or not.  Who cares.  It is important to me. 

So much has happened since I felt I needed to ditch this blog.  A lot of interesting and not so interesting things, but I will share.  I started dating again.  I met a gentleman.  He is kind, but we are in the beginning stages of dating.  He is kind and smart, and very cute.  When we get together we have fun and I do enjoy his company. 

I will have some medical things taken care of, I will post more details on that in the near future.  I believe that I am slowly coming out of my grieving for my ex.  And for those who feel that I should just let it go, well, no.  It is a process and I do feel better.  I am healing, and I hope I never forget that there was someone who impacted my life.  Good or bad, Cal was once my husband. But, most importantly, he is my brother in Christ.

Well, I am living my life the best I can.  I attended my first Rockies game yesterday in Denver.  My date drove me through the city of Denver.  He took me to places I have never seen and it was great!  So much change in that city.  I enjoyed myself immensely at the Rockies game, and they played the Cardinal, and the Rockies won! 

Well, I will sign off for now.  I hope you enjoy your first day of Fall, I know I am.



  Sleeping at Last "Pacific"

Anyway

It is the first of September.  I love this time of year.  The air is becoming cooler and I feel so charged, as if I can accomplish anything.  I do not care for the Summer, I do not believe I ever did, except when I was a kid and I did enjoy the long Summer days and nights.

I am still working in the ER.  I so enjoy the job, but I did apply for another position at the hospital, I haven't heard anything yet.  God knows what is best, and if this job I applied for is not for me, well that is okay.

 My, son, Nathaniel and I took a friend and her daughters to The Broadmoor today, she had never been.  I believe the walk around the lake did me some good.  I love going to The Broadmoor, the architect alone is such perfection.  Later, my son and I decided to have dinner, so we went to the grocery store; purchased a cheap bag of chips.  Then we went to 7-11 and purchased a Big Gulp with two straws and then picked up a sandwich.  Nathaniel wanted to eat at the Garden of the gods, so we drove out and spent some much needed family time.  It was a rather lovely evening to catch up on things in our lives. 

As Nathaniel and I were driving away, he shared his dreams with me. He would like to be a photographer, but a counselor he had a year ago laughed at this idea and told him it would never happen.  You know, that really pissed me off, because my son has a great eye and takes some phenomenal photos.  I told him that he should not believe this bitches remarks.  It always amazes me that a person could have great support from family and friends, but it only takes one bitter person to ruin it.  I reminded my son that he should never listen to people whose hearts are crusted with bitterness, regret and fear.  I told him that he should never give up on his dreams.  I asked my son if he has seen me ever give up on my dreams, and he said, "no."

There will be hurdles my son will have to jump, but I know he will be okay.  I pray that Jesus will always have his back.  He tries so hard.  I am very proud of my son, and I believe that one day his dreams will come true.

And to the crusty hearts that unfortunately my son has met, and will continue to meet along his journey. Fuck You!!!

Martina McBride, "Anyway"

 



Brothers and Rivers

There are movies that touch my soul, and,  "A River Runs Through It" is one of them.  This movie brings the beauty of Montana and a family whose men are fly fishermen, which is an activity that brings them together.  This movie reminds me of my two boys, Sergio and Nathaniel, especially when they were little boys.  Sergio was my wild child, no fear, no backing down from anyone.  Sergio also had a compassionate heart for those who were less able to fight back, and he championed many of them.  Unfortunately, he would pay for his actions, but I loved his spirit.  My son, Nathaniel, is a nourishing, giving soul.  He also sees when someone is in need and he goes right in and does what needs to be done.  Sergio and Nathaniel were very close and if anyone messed with either of them, they were there to back each other up.  Mind you, Nathaniel was six years younger, but feisty too.  He still is.  He is my family.

Anyways . . . .

If you have not had the opportunity to watch, "A River Runs Through It," I highly recommend it.  It is a great story.  Every time I see this movie, it brings great memories of my boys.  My son's were tight as brothers can be, and a river of love ran through them. 

 

"A River Runs Through It"  Directed by Robert Redford

 



I need a "REAL" vacation

I would like to visit Cape May, NJ this Fall.  I miss southern New Jersey.  I miss the farms and Cape May walking mall with it's unique little shops, and Victorian houses.  It is beautiful.  Before we moved away from NJ, Congress Hall was being restored, and now it is completed. I would love to see how it turned out, photos do not do it justice.  I would like to visit my old friends and possibly stop by my old church, I am still debating on that one.  I would love to walk on the boardwalk in Wildwood and feel the misty ocean air.  There are so many beautiful places to visit in Cape May County.  Also, I have been wanting to visit the Philadelphia Museum of Art.  Maybe, even visit Washington D.C..  I would like to make this trip with my son, he was a little boy when we left the East Coast.  He remembers the beaches in Cape May, but not much else.  I have been wanting to make this trip and I believe it may be time to make it.  The Fall in the East Coast is so breathtaking, and I would love to see the Atlantic Ocean again, it will be good to visit, it would be good to have a "REAL" vacation.  I need a "REAL" vacation . . . .

Hold my Hand

Yesterday, my son, Nathaniel, gave me a CD he had made to express his emotions of when I became ill several years ago.  One of the songs that he had put in the CD was a Beatles song, "I want to hold your hand."  He recorded the Glee version of the song on the CD, mind you, I am not a big Glee fan, but I love this rendition.  I asked Nathaniel why he picked that song, and he told me that when I came out of surgery, the doctor told everyone in the room, not to talk to me or touch me.  He said, that that song was playing on his player and that all he wanted to do was hold my hand, but he knew he could not touch me.  My heart went out to him, the brokenness of his heart, I could still hear it. . . . I have been listening to my CD over and over.  I am blessed!!

 

Glee, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

 

 

Courage and Strength

Photo taken September 2013

Today is my third anniversary from my aneurysm episode of June 13, 2013. A lot has happened in the last three years, some good, some tragic. But, God was in control of it all. Every morning when I open my eyes I thank the Lord for allowing me another day. He is gracious! Nathaniel made a CD of songs that reminded him of that awful day. He gave it to me this morning as we were driving to a friend's house. I can only imagine the stress he was under at that time, but I have some wonderful friends who were there, and supported him with prayers and love. I will be so ever grateful to all of you!! This photo was taken a couple of months after my first and second surgery, I was preparing for my third surgery in October of 2013. My hair was accustomed to a comb over. I was so tired of my nappy hair! Thanks, David!! Who recently also reminded me on how I kicked death in the ass, and how much stronger I was because of it. I would like to take credit of such acts of courage and strength, but I believe the Lord gave the first blow so that the impact on my part would not be so hard. It is wonderful to know that God went before me.

I now work in the same hospital that was my home for almost a month, and I am now in the ER, that is where God placed me. I love it!! I have had so many opportunities to pray for many who were afraid, and I have had the chance when God has allowed me to share my story with patients and their families. I follow my Lord's lead on what He wants for me and He has given me some fantastic adventures. As I write this, my heart goes out to so many that suffer such heartache with their own fights and losing loved ones. I pray and hope that by sharing my story with you, it will bring you comfort and peace with whatever you are going through. I want to encourage you and share that our Father is a good God, and faithful in everything!!

 

Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"

 

This song was in the CD my son had made for me.  I love it!!

 

 



Scattered, but Grateful!

My postings on this blog are somewhat scattered.  There are days I write about little things, the little things that still have a great impact on my life.  My two sons had birthdays.  Sergio, would have been 30 this year and Nathaniel is 24, time does fly.  Today I would have celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary, if I was still married, but if I would have been married, I would have been a widow.  I am feeling a lot better, especially with the things of the heart.  The lessons of life are never ending, which is something I am okay with.  I was thinking about all my beautiful blessings the other day.  I realized that God has been so gracious with me, it just boggles my mind, but it has helped to soften my heart too.

I look at what is going around in the world, the hopelessness that surrounds us, but I remind myself the Lord still sits on the throne and then my hope is restored.  I carry the scars of things I wish I have never been exposed to, but evil dwells in this world, and we are the pawns.  Again, the Lord restores us, not completely, but enough as we can remember where we have been. 

Another scattered entry.  I believe I am writing with some depth of my heart, which is still healing.  I  posted a photo of my son and myself.  A friend remarked that we both looked happy.  I told her that we are getting there, but you know I am joyful.  I am joyful from the deepest well of my soul.  I am grateful every day for God's mercy and blessings.  I am where I need to be for the time being.  What else could I ask for.  There is saying my son uses from time to time.  He learned this saying from a Pastor in our old church.  It goes something like this, "God is good. All the time. Especially, today!"

Yes, He is!  Enjoy yours!

My son, Nathaniel and his adorable Mother!



For Jack

 

I hope all is well in Oklahoma.  I hope you're enjoying looking up at the stars from your telescope.

 

Moody Blues, "Nights in White Satin"