It is officially over. It has been difficult for me to come to a decision, but not really. The letter was written and mailed off. I will miss you, Mr. Alaska. I do love you very much, but it just cannot be. We may want the same things, but I do not want to be a bird in a cage. I am not knocking marriage, but I want a man who does not manipulate my heart. Thank you, Mr. Alaska, for asking me to marry you, for any old reason.
Today is my son's, Sergio's birthday. He would have been 33 years old. I cannot believe how time flies. I still remember when we received the news that you were gone, it never leaves my mind, and the heartache never heals completely. Thank you, Father, for the gift he was to me. Happy Birthday, Mijo.
Do you know what I want?! I want you to tell me when you need me. Ask me if I need some time alone. Ask me to pick you up at the airport. Ask me if I truly understand you, because I don't. Ask me how I am, because I am really here. Don't demand. Don't take me for granted. Don't make assumptions on what I need or what I want. I am a grown woman, I am not a child. Ask me, don't tell me! I want you to know that I am really here.
Several weeks ago I wrote about a gentleman that I had met and we were beginning to develop a relationship. Unfortunately, he lived in another state and wanted to meet me, so he flew all the way from Alaska to Colorado. Well, I had some reservations about him and it seemed that I could not get over the but of something amiss about this man. No, he wasn't married. I was struggling with my feelings for this man, I knew that he was not being honest with me about his beliefs, and I was just all over the place with my emotional and mental state. I was definitely off balance, and I did not like it at all. My spiritual state was not in check with the Holy Spirit. I felt like I was a woman in severe drama code. And, I HATE drama!!
Last night I tried to have a discussion with Mr. Alaska about how I believed he was disappointed with me. He did not want to discuss the matter and when I tried to talk to him about it tonight, he told me that he felt the discussion was done. But, it was not. After listening to Mr. Alaska and his love for me, he told me that we could work things out as a couple. Mr. Alaska proceeded to tell me that that is what a couples do. So, I had to let Mr. Alaska know that I could not marry him this November and that I needed to seek some counseling to deal with the garbage still left from my ex's crap, crap I did not want to bring into this "relationship." Well, let's just say that Mr. Alaska bailed, first I felt he shut down and second he felt that maybe I should handle my issues alone. HA!! HA!! So, much for supporting each other as a couple. To be quite frank with you, I did not feel upset about what he said to me, you see the night before I was in fervent prayer with my Father in Heaven. I was a mess and I asked my Father that if Mr. Alaska was not the man for me, that he would break off this relationship. So, when Mr. Alaska wanted to let me heal alone I knew Mr. Alaska was not for me. I felt balanced again. So, yes, God does answer prayer when one is too weak and unbalanced to stop something that is hard to do.
