Second Chances

I believe in second chances.  I give them and have been given these do overs, these mistakes and choices that may have been misconstrued.  You know, misunderstandings. So, by now you probably may have gathered that I gave Mr. Alaska that second chance, actually, we gave whatever we had going a second chance.  As if the first time was not enough for me.  I am not a martyr, just to let you know.  I sincerely believed we could make a go of whatever we had, I was in love with Mr. Alaska.  I should have just walked on.  To make a long story and I mean long story short.  Mr. Alaska came back to Colorado to visit, he had purchased his ticket awhile back ago, so we thought okay, let's give this a go, again.  We had planned this trip to my home state of Texas, we were supposed to announce our engagement to our families.  Of course, I had broken that engagement prior to this trip.  So, Mr. Alaska came to Colorado on a Thursday, we had a date on Friday and a wedding on Saturday.  It was going well, but at the wedding something shifted again after Mr. Alaska asked me to be his girlfriend, again.  I of course said, "yes."  I loved this man, why not.  The entire night of the wedding my boyfriend gave me his back and sat away from me.  I just did not understand.  I was hurt.  So hurt.  This man humiliated me in front of my entire church family.  I did say something about his behavior, but Mr. Alaska only gave me a half baked excuse.  We still went to Texas, as my family was expecting me.  Needless to say I only saw Mr. Alaska in the evenings when we met up with dear friends of ours.  Mr. Alaska continued his cold behavior and at one point dismissed me in front of our friends.  Okay, no, I am not a doormat, but I sure as hell knew this was not going to continue.  So, now I was humiliated in front of my family and our friends.  I did not say a thing, I let it simmer because I wanted to let him feel the eruption of my soul.  We came back to Colorado and Mr. Alaska stayed until his flight the following Monday.  We did go out and did enjoy ourselves a bit, but I did not say a word.  I guess he thought I was a desperate fool of a woman.  After several weeks of calling each other every couple of days I finally had to say something, and, I did.  I spoke to Mr. Alaska and let him know that his treatment towards me was unacceptable and I did not want to pursue a relationship with him.  All he could say to me is that he was not "perfect."  What?!!  We talked for a few more days and I could not pretend.  I was angry with myself for believing that Mr. Alaska learned his lesson on how not to treat a woman, absolutely not!  I text him a goodbye line. Why call.  What was the point!  And, now I am writing about this experience.  I did wish Mr. Alaska well and told him to take care.  I do have a sense of decorum, but IT IS OVER!!!!  So, with all this said, I believe that my second chances will still continue, but if I see a lost cause on the first try, I better let go of that second chance.



Anniversaries

This year is going by as fast as running water draining in the sink.  The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of travel, second chances and anniversaries.  I celebrated 4 years in the ER, I started my job on March 2015.  I would have been married 33 years, I married in May of 1986.  And it has been 6 years since I had two brain aneurysms in the month of June 2013.  And my ex has been dead 4 years now, Cal passed away on July 16, 2015.  The majority of my anniversaries have been blessings and celebrations of life. But, I believe the hardest anniversary was my ex husband's death.  I realized today how much I miss Cal. Yes, it sounds strange with all the pain he caused his family, but, there was some wonderful things about Cal too.  He was truly an adventurous man.  He was very much into nature. Cal loved the ocean a great deal, he was in his element in the water.  He was a fisherman, hiker, mountain climber, he hiked up Guadalupe Peak.  He was involved with the Sierra Club and taught me the basics of camping. Cal and I were avid campers and hikers.  He was also extremely patient with me.  He was a business man and an artist.  He was a professional photographer and created some beautiful ceramic pieces; I still have some of his ceramic pieces. I also kept his cameras in hopes that I will pick up photography soon.  I miss our talks and Cal could talk. I could make Cal laugh, I loved his laughter.  He loved my warped sense of humor, one of the few people who got me.  Cal was extremely intelligent and the man could read something and remember every word of what he read.  Cal's last creative piece was building a hammer dulcimer, he never finished it and I have the dulcimer on display in my son's room.  My son, Nathaniel asked to keep it.  I could not refuse, it was a Father's day gift for Cal.

There are many days that I wish we didn't go through the insanity of my ex's addiction, but we did.  The trauma forced on our family still pains me today.  I guess the healing is never ending, but I know that the forgiveness is there. It will always be there. I prayed today that the Lord would give Cal a kiss on his cheek and a great hug from me.  I asked the Lord to tell Cal that I did love him, and that you were taking care of me and our son, Nathaniel.  I felt such peace and joy for having lived my life with Cal.  We did have some good times and I remember those times with so much joy.  Cal was an imperfect man, like the rest of us, living in an imperfect world, but never the less, loving the Lord with such desperation.  That is the one thing that I will always remember about Cal, his desperate love of God.
 

 

Rich Mullins, "Calling Out Your Name"