MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND IT IS A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS!!!  Thank you Father for the wonderful gift of your son who came to save us from ourselves and eternal separation.  Father, please give Sergio a kiss and hug from me and please tell him I love him and miss him very much.  Merry Christmas mijo!  Also, a Merry Christmas for my son, Nathaniel.  I am very proud of you mijo and I love the man you are becoming.  Sergio and Nathaniel loved the Rich Mullin's song, "You Gotta Get Up"  So here it goes boys.

 

 

Check Box Mrs., Miss or Ms. (No longer Mrs.)

I am officially a divorced woman, as of December 17, 2012 my divorce decree was signed.  I received in the mail a copy of the signed Dissolution of Marriage papers yesterday December 20, 2012. My son was very helpful and reminded me that I have been alone for a very very long time, and I agreed with him; even when my ex was sitting right next to me, I felt alone, very alone.  There were no tears of my failed marriage, no outcries to the Lord, no nothing.  I don't know if that is good or bad thing, maybe my volcanic meltdown will take place when I least expect me, like when the drain is clogged or I find dirty socks behind the dryer, who knows.  Though praying hard to avoid such outburst is something that planning from my part will help.  It was good to talk with friends about this, they saw everything that had happened, they opened their arms to my ex and knew of his addiction, they loved on him as I did, but unfortunately with some reservation on my part.  There was no repentance in my ex's part.  How did I know that, well because he was still distant with me and our son, insecure, arrogant and struggled with anything that had to do with our marriage; it was only when the realization that his addiction was his LOVE, not the Lord, family or friends.  I hope he finds all the happenings his addictions give him, but I know that will only be for a short time. I pray that he gets the help he needs.  A lot needs to happen in my part; right now I am working fulltime, getting my house in some kind of order for the gazzionlith time; taking care of myself, my son and my doggies.  Though I have to admit there is some sadness to this ending especially a marriage; marriages have to be the worst sad endings of all.  I know that everything will be okay because living through all this insanity has helped me to rely totally on the Lord, more so now than ever before.  So, I may not be a Mrs. anymore, but I do not Miss the hurt, lies, secrets, betrayals and carrying the shame from my ex's sin, I don't have to, and I am glad that there is a box to mark off Ms. if I do not want anyone to know if I am married or not, because that would be my secret.

 

 



Birthday

Today is my birthday.  Happy Birthday to me!!  I am how old now?  Can't recall, memory loss, sign of old age.   I have plans later this morning to drive to Denver with a friend and head up to the Denver Art Museum and have the privilege of admiring some of Vincent Van Gogh's work from private collectors.  I have been looking forward to this for months, and now it will be.  Thank you Father!  Boy time does fly, especially after the age of 30; and it does not go down hill from there, it has been an amazing ride.  So I better get myself up to bed and rest my pretty little eyes so that I may admire the work from a beautiful soul.  Also, my dear friend is taking me to lunch, so I will be ordering a very LARGE piece of chocolate cake.  I just hope they have chocolate cake on the menu.  : )

 

 

Blessings from above

I pray that everyone around the world has a wonderful day and life of pure thankfulness.  We sometimes take things for granted and forget our blessings; we just don't see them.  Unfortunatley it takes seeing someone else's devastation to wake us up and literally smell the the embers of our lives.  God has been faithful in many ways, even I cannot count them, and why try.  I was currently hired with another ministry in a full time capacity, I know that the Lord gave me favor, they had over 30 applicants for this position; many with far more experience than me.  I am very excited and a little scared.  New employment, new people, new training, new everything.  God is good, He will guide me, He always does.  Though the other night I was starting to stress over how I was going to keep up in walking my dogs, drawing, renovating and so on.  Then I realized I need to trust the Lord, and he has given me friends who are very supportive and understanding with my craziness.  I had a dear friend say to me, "It's doable" I love him for that.  He just said those simple words and I was ok.  I believe God used my friend to keep me grounded; sometimes that is all I need is to bounce my chaotic thoughts to someone and then I am ok.  Thank you JD!

On this day of Thanksgiving, which for me is everyday.  I want to pray blessings to everyone who has sustained me in such a dark time, first the Lord, then my son, my sister and my wonderful friends who have been a pillar of graciouness and strength for me and my son.  Thank you Father for such blessings in my life.

Also, I want to take the time to wish those who may be reading this blog a wonderful day of THANKSGIVING.  May the Lord guide and bless your days! 

This blog was started with the intent of writing about my surrounds in Colorado Springs, but lately I feel that the Lord has used it to help in my healing, and will continue to help with my healing.  Though I am ready to start sharing my surroundings again. 

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING!!

 

 

This is me . . . just me

I am not someone who really likes having their photo taken.  So, about a month ago while house and pet sitting for a friend I started taking photos of my surroundings.  One very bored evening I took several photos of myself.  They were not great, but passable; prefer photographing others.   My son Nathaniel now has pictures of his mom, because honestly there are hardly any photos of myself.  Nathaniel also wants to have pictures taken for Christmas cards, so I am starting to psych myself out to comply with his wishes.  

 

So this is me . . . . just me. . . .

(Picture taken September 2012)

 

 

 

 

"Oh my Love"

One of my favorite pastimes is listening to music, mostly great rock from groups like Genesis, Peter Gabriel, Journey, Styx and so on.  Well anyways, there is a song that just stays with you that praises the Lord in all His glory.  I love to listen to Christian music, but sometimes a secular song captures the essence of ones heart and the particular song I have been replaying over and over is the song from Genesis, "Follow you, follow me"  It gives joy to my heart as I sing this song to the Lord, my love.



Colorado

My beloved state has suffered very hard blows in the last couple of months.  First, we had the rages of the Waldon Fire which destroyed over three hundred homes. The devastation was immense.  With all this loss came the heroic fight of our firefighter, police, medical personnel and the hundred of volunteers who stepped up to save our beautiful scenery.  Though the fire left many of us in utter disbelief, God in his wisdom and love for us provided the cool evenings, which helped the firefighters battle the inferno easily.  I like many wept and prayed especially for those who lost everything, and many barely escaped with their lives.  The community came together and we shared our fears and prayed, prayed, prayed.  I admired the men and women who risked their lives to fight the fires aka "The Beast"  They are our heroes, many came from other states to provide the help to fight this wall of destruction. 

Our lives are coming together.  Many of the families who lost everything are starting with the rebuilding of their lives and going through the ashes of what were momentos of their lives.  Please keep these families in your prayers. 

Also, on the events that took place in Aurora, Colorado.  The massacre of 12 people and countless others who were wounded.  In all the insanity and lawlessness, many are questioning why a young man with a bright future would do such a horrific thing.  Well, let's see, he did not fear God?!  He did not hold life to a higher standard of importance?!  He was possessed?!  It could be hundred of reasons why someone would kill in cold blood, and we saw what was in his heart:  Hate, anger, murder, unmercilful and it goes on. 

The families of the victims are devastated.  Again, to see such pain breaks our own hearts. The bright futures of  people whose lives were cut short.  The beginning of deliberations in the court system. The excuses, the insanity pleas the stupidity of reporters asking why a young man would cover his girlfriend so she would not get harmed.  Why would a young man protect complete strangers.   Really?!  Because these were men you idiots!  Is our society so jilted that no one can see what a "real" man looks like.  The protector, the nurturer, the provider, the man that God designed him to be.  What got me most was they had "professional" whatevers who were being interviewed on why such valiant behavior happens.  Really?!  I'll bet these guys would not give you a cool glass of water, even if they saw you dying of thirst.   Seriously?!!!

Anyways . . . . .

 My prayers go out to the families who lost loved ones.  I am so sorry for your loss.  For those who survived with wounds, some so serious that the outcome it touchy.  I pray that the Lord would touch their wounds and heal them.  Heal the city of Aurora, Father, please that your spirit is felt thoughtout the city and felt for the victims families and those still suffering the physical wounds. 

Please Father give wisdom for those who are caring for the victims.  Father please bless, protect and guide our nation, and also Father bless those who read this blog.  I pray they find realness, grace, love, hope and most of all You throughout life's challenges.

Thank you, Father.

Glitter in the Air

I have always admired musicians that can touch us with their melodies.  I tend to be more a Gordon Lightfoot, Moody Blues, John Denver person, but I also like edgy music.  One of my current favorites to listen to is PINK.  I know, I know, she is just too much for some, but she really has been singing my heart and I love her angst about marriage, love, relationships, family and just life.  Though I still go back to the singers that touch my soul, like Gordon Lightfoot, seriously the man's voice can do some serious damage.  LOL   I just had a wonderful time with a dear friend whose spirit almost matches mine.  We have great banter with each other.  We share our wine and laugh about the weirdness of living in the side of town where we are; the mix of artist, vagrants, drugs, musicians and the caldron of people I enjoy being around.  I gave this dear friend one of my drawings and he really loved it.  It was nice to hear him say that, "I still have it"  LOL  I guess I do.  Anyways, it is nice to know that he is there as a dear friend.  You know who are, and yes you are Beautiful to me too.

 

 

Delirious 2 a.m. postings

I was thinking about relationships today, the different couples that I know in my life.  The trials that many of these people have gone through and have come out with battle wounds that would leave a scar as a reminder of such warfare of the heart.  There are no prisoners, just down out ass kicking I hate you stinking guts fights that at times could lead into some serious f***athons.

  Anyways . . .

 I have the privilege of knowing many wonderful couples and since I enjoy watching people, couples are my favorite, maybe because I am no longer in a couple.  The relationships that endure some serious slings of life and others who should be slung.  Then I started thinking about my marriage and how I stayed with a man I adored and truly loved, but ignored his ambivalence to me.  I was blinded, maybe because I felt that he was too good for me.  Maybe?  Then I realized that I was too good for him, not in a conceited way, but that I gave it all to be in a marriage that was only a façade to a life of dark secrets.

When the fog lifted and the light shone through on what was going on in my own relationship.  I knew I had to jump ship before I was taken down into the murky darkness; save my family and self  from a watery grave of lies. I let a small blister become an infected sore that was poisoning my soul; better to be decaying in my spirit than to be alone.  But God in His infinite wisdom said, "No!"  Then I realized something else, I was really not alone and  I am learning a lot about myself.; I am funny, smart, encouraging and I can write some serious crap here. 

Anyways . . .

I know that someone on this earth is looking for me and that I will be loved and  love again.  That I will kiss and be kissed passionately. That I will be able to trust the words of another man.  That God will show me who he is because he is out there, he just has to find me.  Also because that is the desire of my scarred heart.

( Just a little side note.  It is 2:27 a.m. Colorado time and I am listening to a lot of depressing songs and this post most definitely reflected by state of mind.  Just saying )

Remember When

When I first heard this song I wanted to have it played at our 25th Wedding Anniversary.  How things change quickly. I could not listen to this song for awhile.

Have a Great Weekend!





June already?

Okay, where did May go?  It is now mid June only six months until Christmas.  A lot of decisions that I need to make, a lot of changes coming my way.  One is which I am considering selling my home.  I am considering this move possibly next year.  I still need to do research in moving closer up north, buying land and renting a small house or condo.   I am just speaking these plans out loud.  I will still continue renovations on the house, sweat equity, but I have several friends who would help with painting and flooring, etc.  I love my friends, they are great.  With the month of May going by I realized that I would have been married 26 years, divorce papers have not been filed yet, it wasn't time yet, but now it's time.  I still need to finish school.  A lot to consider.  I am beginning to feel the winds of change starting to blow in my life, I know they will be positive.  God has been so gracious with me this past year, I needed to continue healing which I must admit I feel stronger, I'm beginning to feel more like me again.  All I have to say is that I will not put up with any bullshit from another man again!  What happened to that girl who didn't stand for stupidity, she is no longer a girl, but becoming a stronger woman with the Lord's help. 

I was asked recently by a gentleman friend if I was ready to start dating.  I had to think about this question.  I feel that maybe in the possible near future like six months or a year or two years I may be ready.  I will wait for the Lord to let me know, because right now he is my husband and he is doing a great job of taking care of me.  He has met all the desires of my heart and comforts me and surrounds me while cleansing my wounded spirit.  Wow, how raw am I becoming on this post.  I am only speaking truth.  Please do not misunderstand me, it's freaking over.  I am just going through the healing process which I understand is normal; it helps working with professional counselor's.  I do feel considerably better, as a matter of fact I am happy and at peace.  I saw a friend today who said I looked great.  I thought no shit! 

Adios April

April is almost over.  Wow, this year is flying by fast.  I believe that once one is over 30, the years do go by so quickly. I sure do miss the fun I had growing up in the 70's and 80's, two wonderful decades.

Sergio had a birthday this month, he would have been 26 years old.  I like to believe that the Lord celebrates birthday's in heaven too.  My sister came to visit for Easter, interesting visit.  She enjoyed herself, I am sure.  My brother in law and my sister will be coming back in July for a week.  I don't think I will take of any time off.  I need to save my vacation days for MY VACATION.

Taxes were done, last year filing jointly, how strange.  Spring semester will end in a couple of weeks.  I just spent some serious dough having one of my drawings framed professionally.  My drawing teacher wanted his Drawing II students to submit a piece of work for the Student Art Show.  I never had my work framed, but I figured why not, but I think I better learn how to do my own framing and matting.  It can be quite expensive having someone else do the work.  Unfortunately, I was running out of time to do the work myself.  Oh well.

I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with a woman I met in my Drawing Class, she has been a blessing.  That is what I love about school one meets the most interesting people, and I have had the most wonderful teachers.  Maybe the reason I love the classes is that some of the students who are Art Majors like myself are not strange.  Somehow we all fit in.  No, not all art students are wierd, okay, I am.

Well, this post seems a little Picasso.  Enjoy the rest of the week and hold unto your seats because the month of May will be sliding in soon.

My Passion

24 x 30

Pencil

Lilia A T

 

*This is not the picture I will be submitting for the Student Art Show.

 I can see where it still needs work.

Jubilee on this Easter Sunday

Happy Easter everyone!  Jesus is truly with us always!  It is not about religion, but a relationship with a living God who loves us and wants to save us.  Come to the King of kings and stand before the throne.  Give your heart, mind and body as a living sacrifice and see that it is good.  It is a truly a jubilee.  Hey, if the Lord could love and save a wretch like myself, He can do a wonderous work in you; mind you I am still a work in progress. 

Fond memories

A friend of mine posted a video on facebook of the group America singing "Sister Golden Hair" I remember many of their songs and the memories of their music in my life are wonderful ones. The thing is I had never seen the men of the group America, so when I saw their video I was taken aback on how Gerry Beckley and my husband had a close resemblance to each other, especially when my ex husband was younger (my ex also has a slight resemblance to John Denver) but that is my opinion. Then I remembered the first time I saw my husband. I was definitely smitten. We both worked at the zoo, that is how we met. We would take our breaks together and slip into the back kitchen and talk, and I remember thinking to myself how this guy was so intelligent and also very cute. It is so strange what one remembers when going through hurt. I rarely talk to my ex husband, definitely what we had is gone. I went out today and purchased the Greatest hits of America and took a long drive and sang to every song. It was great! There was some tears, but mostly I was enjoying the music and scenery.

I hope you all have a great weekend!

Life For Rent

                   

These lyrics express my exact sentiments

Enjoy your weekend!



Flowers

Happy Valentine's Day

Today is Valentine's Day.  I thought I would feel a little lonely, which I do, but I went out and purchased myself some flowers.  No roses for me, too generic for this day of LOVE.  I have been soaking up this time alone and have had the opportunity to think a lot, could be dangerous, and I realized something.  I would love to love again, someday, but not now.  Maybe in the future, if it is God's will for me to meet someone then so be it.  But right now I have to be with the Lord first and let Him be my first LOVE.

I have been watching the movie, Jerry Maguire, a lot. Tom Cruise is just, I mean, words cannot describe how beautiful this man is, but anyways.  My favorite scene in this movie is when Jerry Maguire tells his wife that she "completes him."  I know it is just a movie, but it reminded me of a moment when my ex husband said, "You feel like home."  Even now it gives my heart butterflies.  I am not one who needs all the flowers or candy just sincere honesty and some bling wouldn't hurt.

Well now that I have depressed myself I am off now.  Probably tomorrow I will go and cruise the candy aisle and buy myself a box of Valentine's chocolate which hopefully will be 1/2 off.   I hope you all have a lovely day on this day of  LOVE

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Jerry Maguire

2012 - Whole Wide World

It is the beginning of a New Year.  The resolutions that we all hope to keep; exercise, healthy lifestyle, keep connected with family and old friends, etc., etc..  I like millions of other people made a list, only this time my resolutions are more attainable.  I am not stressing myself over things that I have no control of.   I don't want to miss out on LIFE; which in many ways  has happened; not because of other influences, not really, but because I was afraid.  I have always been cautious, but fear seems to have crept into my life, and fear is not of the Lord.   You may be asking afraid of what?  LIFE!  I should enjoy it more. 

I was bumming out the other day because this Valentine's I will not have a love.  It felt strange to know that I am alone, but I am okay with it; tho that feeling  might change in the near future.  I must admit that I did have a bit of an anxiety over the thought when I saw the Valentine displays.  Then it occurred to me that this year I can do whatever I want!  No explanations, no excuses, no bullshit! 

So welcome 2012.  I will live the life God gave me, because no matter what happens the Lord is leading the way.