MerryGoRound

 

Okay, I believe that we have control of our thought process, and I do believe that, very much.  I have always and I mean always lived my life in a very non traditional way.  Though, I have lived it traditionally because that is how a "good" mother and wife lives her life for her family.  But, I did get bored with the way I was expected to behave, I was bored out of my mind.  My son's knew that mom was not like the other moms from their class or church.  Even my ex husband knew that too, I guess that is why he enjoyed hanging with me when we met, and he even chilled with me before and after our divorce.  Yes, we still kicked off our shoes on occasion.  I am not saying I am a party person or anything like that, but I do enjoy people for who they are.  I am cautious at times and also try to be accepting on some things, but not all. I mean really we have to make choices in our lives that will not ruin us.
 

Anyway . . . . .

 



Why, am I writing this entry, again, not to sure.  Though, I wanted to just put truth out there.  Truth that I believe in Jesus and I know I belong to my Father in Heaven, and that I am royalty. I believe that because He tells me that in his word.  Though, I will admit sometimes I do not behave royally.  I behave more like a royal pain.  I have tried to live my life riding this merry go round. I want to follow where I am led by the Lord.   I read a meme a couple of days ago that said something about knowing God's word is not the same and doing God's work.  So, true.  I want to be following the Lord who saved me back in 1991, and I want the Lord to use this eclectic person to do his will. I will be who I am, loving, fun, compassionate, understanding and excessively funny.  Okay, maybe not to excessive.  So, while riding the merry go round of life I will continue to hang unto the Lord tightly, because I know that He will help me to stay the course, after the music and ride from the merry go round stops.

 

"Merry Go Round"  Kacey Musgraves

 

 



But

I recently had a friend visit from out of town.  He was kind, generous, cute and he loved to go out and do things.  We had a wonderful time.  This friend and I had been communicating since last October, and we have gotten very close with our feelings, to the point of saying the three magic words, "I love you."  He asked me to be his girlfriend and we would like to get married in the very near future. Yes, marriage.  I know I had shared with my friend that I needed to finish college.  My friend was all about I will take care of you, but, do I really want to be taken care of?!  I have been taking care of myself for a very long time and having someone tell me they want to take care of me freaks me out, a little.  Please, don't get me wrong, I do care for this man, but, there it is, but.  My friend left yesterday to his home state, and I did cry a little and as I drove home I thought about all the things we had done, and our conversations of a future together.  But, there it is again, but.  What is the but?!  I need to step back and review why I am having this but come up.  My internal gut radar is not going off that something is wrong or bad, but, there it is again, but.  Am I being cautious?  I know I am, but, why? I know no one is perfect, but, am I settling?  Is that it?!  Am I settling?!  Is he settling?!  I don't want to be someone settles for, I want someone to have that same fire for me that I would have for him.  Do I have that fire for him?  Is that fire important? I believe it is, for me.  I care for him and feel safe with him.  I definitely need to step back and review everything carefully.  I do care for this man, but, is it me?  Am I that jaded that I would rather burn a man than give him the opportunity to love and care for me.  Am I just afraid of being hurt, deceived, betrayed and not respected that I do not want to take a chance with a good man, because I thought I had a good man before?  Will he add to my happiness and joy, or will he drain me from existence like my ex did.  Do I love him, yes, but, am I IN LOVE with him?  I believe I am! That is very important.  I know the difference.  I have felt the difference before! I have asked God many times that His will be done in the man of His choosing for my life.  Is my internal gut alignment aching in pain if I push this man away from me?  Yes, it is.  Such an emotional rollercoaster. I pray the Lord gives me an answer in reference to being with this man, and I pray he gives me an answer quickly.  I do not care for having but moments, but, it is what I am going through right now. I know the Lord will show me and my eyes will be wide open, and there will be No buts about it!!

 



 

Tennessee

Goodbye Tennessee .  .  .  .  .  My heart has healed from its wound and now it is free to love again.  Though, I did love you, but I knew it was not meant to be.  You are not my match and you will never know your worth, because you believe in the lies of a broken and fallen world.  Good bye Tennessee, I lift you up in prayer that one day you will come to know the Lord, Jesus Christ, our Saviour. 

Tennessee by Hans Zimmer