On Second thought . . . .

It is the first day of Autumn.  How could I think I could not share how this time of year makes me feel.  It is a refreshing time of discovery and life.  I had signed out of my blog, thinking that I could just close my blog.  There is so much I want to share, whether, it is important to you or not.  Who cares.  It is important to me. 

So much has happened since I felt I needed to ditch this blog.  A lot of interesting and not so interesting things, but I will share.  I started dating again.  I met a gentleman.  He is kind, but we are in the beginning stages of dating.  He is kind and smart, and very cute.  When we get together we have fun and I do enjoy his company. 

I will have some medical things taken care of, I will post more details on that in the near future.  I believe that I am slowly coming out of my grieving for my ex.  And for those who feel that I should just let it go, well, no.  It is a process and I do feel better.  I am healing, and I hope I never forget that there was someone who impacted my life.  Good or bad, Cal was once my husband. But, most importantly, he is my brother in Christ.

Well, I am living my life the best I can.  I attended my first Rockies game yesterday in Denver.  My date drove me through the city of Denver.  He took me to places I have never seen and it was great!  So much change in that city.  I enjoyed myself immensely at the Rockies game, and they played the Cardinal, and the Rockies won! 

Well, I will sign off for now.  I hope you enjoy your first day of Fall, I know I am.



  Sleeping at Last "Pacific"

Anyway

It is the first of September.  I love this time of year.  The air is becoming cooler and I feel so charged, as if I can accomplish anything.  I do not care for the Summer, I do not believe I ever did, except when I was a kid and I did enjoy the long Summer days and nights.

I am still working in the ER.  I so enjoy the job, but I did apply for another position at the hospital, I haven't heard anything yet.  God knows what is best, and if this job I applied for is not for me, well that is okay.

 My, son, Nathaniel and I took a friend and her daughters to The Broadmoor today, she had never been.  I believe the walk around the lake did me some good.  I love going to The Broadmoor, the architect alone is such perfection.  Later, my son and I decided to have dinner, so we went to the grocery store; purchased a cheap bag of chips.  Then we went to 7-11 and purchased a Big Gulp with two straws and then picked up a sandwich.  Nathaniel wanted to eat at the Garden of the gods, so we drove out and spent some much needed family time.  It was a rather lovely evening to catch up on things in our lives. 

As Nathaniel and I were driving away, he shared his dreams with me. He would like to be a photographer, but a counselor he had a year ago laughed at this idea and told him it would never happen.  You know, that really pissed me off, because my son has a great eye and takes some phenomenal photos.  I told him that he should not believe this bitches remarks.  It always amazes me that a person could have great support from family and friends, but it only takes one bitter person to ruin it.  I reminded my son that he should never listen to people whose hearts are crusted with bitterness, regret and fear.  I told him that he should never give up on his dreams.  I asked my son if he has seen me ever give up on my dreams, and he said, "no."

There will be hurdles my son will have to jump, but I know he will be okay.  I pray that Jesus will always have his back.  He tries so hard.  I am very proud of my son, and I believe that one day his dreams will come true.

And to the crusty hearts that unfortunately my son has met, and will continue to meet along his journey. Fuck You!!!

Martina McBride, "Anyway"

 



Brothers and Rivers

There are movies that touch my soul, and,  "A River Runs Through It" is one of them.  This movie brings the beauty of Montana and a family whose men are fly fishermen, which is an activity that brings them together.  This movie reminds me of my two boys, Sergio and Nathaniel, especially when they were little boys.  Sergio was my wild child, no fear, no backing down from anyone.  Sergio also had a compassionate heart for those who were less able to fight back, and he championed many of them.  Unfortunately, he would pay for his actions, but I loved his spirit.  My son, Nathaniel, is a nourishing, giving soul.  He also sees when someone is in need and he goes right in and does what needs to be done.  Sergio and Nathaniel were very close and if anyone messed with either of them, they were there to back each other up.  Mind you, Nathaniel was six years younger, but feisty too.  He still is.  He is my family.

Anyways . . . .

If you have not had the opportunity to watch, "A River Runs Through It," I highly recommend it.  It is a great story.  Every time I see this movie, it brings great memories of my boys.  My son's were tight as brothers can be, and a river of love ran through them. 

 

"A River Runs Through It"  Directed by Robert Redford

 



I need a "REAL" vacation

I would like to visit Cape May, NJ this Fall.  I miss southern New Jersey.  I miss the farms and Cape May walking mall with it's unique little shops, and Victorian houses.  It is beautiful.  Before we moved away from NJ, Congress Hall was being restored, and now it is completed. I would love to see how it turned out, photos do not do it justice.  I would like to visit my old friends and possibly stop by my old church, I am still debating on that one.  I would love to walk on the boardwalk in Wildwood and feel the misty ocean air.  There are so many beautiful places to visit in Cape May County.  Also, I have been wanting to visit the Philadelphia Museum of Art.  Maybe, even visit Washington D.C..  I would like to make this trip with my son, he was a little boy when we left the East Coast.  He remembers the beaches in Cape May, but not much else.  I have been wanting to make this trip and I believe it may be time to make it.  The Fall in the East Coast is so breathtaking, and I would love to see the Atlantic Ocean again, it will be good to visit, it would be good to have a "REAL" vacation.  I need a "REAL" vacation . . . .

Hold my Hand

Yesterday, my son, Nathaniel, gave me a CD he had made to express his emotions of when I became ill several years ago.  One of the songs that he had put in the CD was a Beatles song, "I want to hold your hand."  He recorded the Glee version of the song on the CD, mind you, I am not a big Glee fan, but I love this rendition.  I asked Nathaniel why he picked that song, and he told me that when I came out of surgery, the doctor told everyone in the room, not to talk to me or touch me.  He said, that that song was playing on his player and that all he wanted to do was hold my hand, but he knew he could not touch me.  My heart went out to him, the brokenness of his heart, I could still hear it. . . . I have been listening to my CD over and over.  I am blessed!!

 

Glee, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

 

 

Courage and Strength

Photo taken September 2013

Today is my third anniversary from my aneurysm episode of June 13, 2013. A lot has happened in the last three years, some good, some tragic. But, God was in control of it all. Every morning when I open my eyes I thank the Lord for allowing me another day. He is gracious! Nathaniel made a CD of songs that reminded him of that awful day. He gave it to me this morning as we were driving to a friend's house. I can only imagine the stress he was under at that time, but I have some wonderful friends who were there, and supported him with prayers and love. I will be so ever grateful to all of you!! This photo was taken a couple of months after my first and second surgery, I was preparing for my third surgery in October of 2013. My hair was accustomed to a comb over. I was so tired, my nappy hair! Thanks, David!! Who recently also reminded me on how I kicked death in the ass, and how much stronger I was because of it. I would like to take credit of such acts of courage and strength, but I believe the Lord gave the first blow so that the impact on my part would not be so hard. It is wonderful to know that God went before me.

I now work in the same hospital that was my home for almost a month, and I am now in the ER, that is where God placed me. I love it!! I have had so many opportunities to pray for many who were afraid, and I have had the chance when God has allowed me to share my story with patients and their families. I follow my Lord's lead on what He wants for me and He has given me some fantastic adventures. As I write this, my heart goes out to so many that suffer such heartache with their own fights and losing loved ones. I pray and hope that by sharing my story with you, it will bring you comfort and peace with whatever you are going through. I want to encourage you and share that our Father is a good God, and faithful in everything!!

 

Rachel Platten, "Fight Song"

 

This song was in the CD my son had made for me.  I love it!!

 

 



Scattered, but Grateful!

My postings on this blog are somewhat scattered.  There are days I write about little things, the little things that still have a great impact on my life.  My two sons had birthdays.  Sergio, would have been 30 this year and Nathaniel is 24, time does fly.  Today I would have celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary, if I was still married, but if I would have been married, I would have been a widow.  I am feeling a lot better, especially with the things of the heart.  The lessons of life are never ending, which is something I am okay with.  I was thinking about all my beautiful blessings the other day.  I realized that God has been so gracious with me, it just boggles my mind, but it has helped to soften my heart too.

I look at what is going around in the world, the hopelessness that surrounds us, but I remind myself the Lord still sits on the throne and then my hope is restored.  I carry the scars of things I wish I have never been exposed to, but evil dwells in this world, and we are the pawns.  Again, the Lord restores us, not completely, but enough as we can remember where we have been. 

Another scattered entry.  I believe I am writing with some depth of my heart, which is still healing.  I  posted a photo of my son and myself.  A friend remarked that we both looked happy.  I told her that we are getting there, but you know I am joyful.  I am joyful from the deepest well of my soul.  I am grateful every day for God's mercy and blessings.  I am where I need to be for the time being.  What else could I ask for.  There is saying my son uses from time to time.  He learned this saying from a Pastor in our old church.  It goes something like this, "God is good. All the time. Especially, today!"

Yes, He is!  Enjoy yours!

My son, Nathaniel and his adorable Mother!



For Jack

 

I hope all is well in Oklahoma.  I hope you're enjoying looking up at the stars from your telescope.

 

Moody Blues, "Nights in White Satin"

 



Personal Principles

Well, my week has been somewhat uneventful.  After editing my previous entry more than I can count, and I don't want to.  I was in the midst of preparing for a coffee date for Friday morning.  I had corresponded with a gentleman last Sunday, and we had set to meet for coffee the following Friday morning at 8:30.  We had not picked a place to meet, and I had not given him my name.  So, I sent this man an email on Monday morning. I never received a response, even after he was on the website that morning.  I gave this man grace, he was a teacher at UCCS, and he may have been extremely busy with grades and so on.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went . . .  nothing.  So, I made up my mind that if he communicates with me on Thursday, I would let him know that I was no longer interested.  You, see, I believe if a man wants to do something with a woman, you plan it ASAP.  I gave this man until midnight on Wednesday.  After that, I did not want to meet a man who waits until the last minute to make plans, especially for the first date.  Not happening. 

Well, he did contact me on Thursday afternoon and sent me an email.  He asked me how my day was going.  I didn't even get a response to my questions, or even a are we still up for coffee tomorrow?  Nothing.  Well, this cheeky is not having any of that!  So, I replied to his email with my thanks, but no thanks message.  Which goes something like this, "Thank you, for your interest.  I hope you find your match.  Blessings in your search."  Done.

I feel pretty good for standing up for my personal principles.  This man is over 50 years of age, and in all those years that he was married and now divorced, he learned absolutely nothing?!  I am afraid that this is becoming the norm.  It is sad, but true. 

As a woman I need to remind myself that I am worthy of the work.  I am worthy of the trouble.  I have value and that includes my time.  The thing is this man knew he blew it, because after I sent him the e-mail, within minutes he signed off from the website. 

I am not trying to be smug about this whole situation, but come on!  If a man asks a woman out on a date, keep the lines of communication open.  And, stop being a wussy!

Chick Flicks and such

I will be the first to admit that I LOVE CHICK FLICKS!!  I cannot help it.  I just do.  Especially, chick flicks that are funny.  There is something about a girl who meets boy, who is cute and somewhat funny.  The boy is smart and a little bit of a hard ass.  The girl at first cannot stand boy because he could be such a douche, but then eventually girl comes around and falls in love with boy.  The boy now has softened his heart towards life and realizes that girl helped him.   Boy, is crazy about girl and would jump across a lake of fire to be with girl.  You know, real life stuff!

Okay, that if a bunch of bullshit, but that is why chick flicks are so fun, they are full of bullshit and women like myself eat it all up!  And, I LOVE IT!!

Now, that I have shared my quick synopses of my love for movies of love.  I just might play "Nights in Rodanthe," which I believe I have watched over a dozen times . . . yes, I have . . .  and I will not apologize for that, and that my friends is a rap.

 

 Iris Vaessen, "Maps in Bed"

 









 



Blessings from above!

Several days ago I was having a conversation with the Lord, which is how my prayer time goes.  The Lord knows my needs and the desires of my heart.  One of the topics of conversation/prayer were my blessings.  I asked the Lord for "better" blessings.  The audacity of me requesting better blessings, but what I was really asking for was not to have so much tragedy.  I believe a person could only handle so much, and though I give the Lord the glory for His seeing me through the chaos of life, I wanted calmness, security, health and love.  As I was requesting all the things that I believe are non chaotic.  I was feeling sorry for myself because I did not believe that my life was adventurous, exciting, colorful and absurdly free flowing.  I felt like such a brat, but I was being upfront with my heart to my Father.

As I gave my request and would have patiently waited for an answer, God came through in the midst of my whining.  He gently reminded me that he was there when I was dying.  He breathed life into me, for a second time, and I did not end up sitting in a corner drooling.  He reminded me of the things that I had seen, done and experienced.  I had slept on the beach of Barbados underneath the coconut trees.  I have seen phenomenal sunsets on the beaches of Cape May.  I have prayed with those who have gone to be with the Lord.  I have seen majestic mountains, lake and rivers.  I have sold some of my art.  I have worked in several interesting jobs, everything from flipping hamburgers, to working in the ER.  I have seen and done some pretty amazing things, so why my ungratefulness.  His answer brought me back down to the realization that my life has been a wonderful adventure, which includes the chaos!

 

Sometimes, I conveniently forget the beauty of God's grace in my life and the blessings that are in abundance.  He has cared for me and has placed at times complete strangers to help me, and then He has given me opportunities to help others.  I am blessed beyond comprehension, and I need to remind myself on why I started this blog.  It was to count my blessings, all my blessings from above!

 

Mindy Gledhill, "Anchor"

 

"Moon River"

Whenever I am lonely  .  .  .  .

 

Henry Mancini, "Moon River"



Geena (aka Ginger)

 

I am blessed with the most amazing friends.  They have been there for so much of my dramatic life.  Boy, and what drama!!  ha   I am so blessed to know that people care about my son and me.  But, this entry is about my friend, Geena (aka Ginger).  I met Geena at a support group for broken hearted people, yes, a divorce support group. 

 

Geena has been a true friend, not only a friend, but a best friend.  We have our moments, all friendships do, but she knows that I would be there for her and vice versa.   Geena, my son and I have certainly had our share of adventures. 

 

Geena is as close as a sister.  I am thankful everyday for the friendships that God has given me.  Especially, friendships that go the distance.  I hope that Geena and I can remain close for a very long time, definitely for eternity, literally.  : )

 

 

 Geena (aka Ginger), thanks

 for being a wonderful friend!

 

 

 



Saturday Adventure in Guffey, CO

Buffalo roaming in Divide, CO

My friend Geena and I decided to take a road trip yesterday to Guffey, CO.  I was recommended by an acquaintance that there was an interesting cemetery that I should visit.  So our adventure began.  Geena and I enjoyed ourselves!  The town of Guffey is interesting to say the least, and the people are friendly.  Of course, they are not thrilled with people moving into town and changing things up, but who is?!  We saw a lot of interesting things too.  Unfortunately, we never found the cemetery, so another road trip is being scheduled.

Beautiful to photograph, maybe even paint.  Watercolors?!  Hmmmm

Nice TUBS!

Bill, Proprietor of Guffey Garage

 

Mr. Bill took a shining to my friend, Geena

       

I think I found a date for next Saturday night.
 I believe the eyes do it for me.  Sexy!

But, this fella might be a little more fun. 

 AUGH!  Decisions! Decisions!

 

Mr. Bill gave my friend Geena and me these little hearts to remember our visit.  He makes them from scrap metal and stated that he gives them to all the ladies that come and visit the town of Guffey.  Bill was an interesting man and Guffey is an interesting town.  Definitely, going back.  There was a Café that we want to try, their BBQ smelled awesome!

 

 

C's Home

There are some homes that when you walk in, there is a certain serenity.  A personality that is totally the person who one is spending time with.  I have such a friend, and her name is "C."  I love going to my friend's "C's"  home.  Her home exudes vibrancy, an eclectic style and a Bohemian lifestyle that I truly appreciate.  "C" is her own person, with her elegant style and appreciation of the delicate, whimsical and bright colors.  I feel relaxed in "C's" home, maybe because her style definitely personifies her personality.  Even her refrigerator reflects the person that "C" is, a little OCD, but she is just fun!  Even though "C" is a quiet reserved person, one can pick up the sultry person that she doesn't think she is.  I love her cobalt blue dishes and her many bunnies in her home. "C" also collects bottle which are displayed throughout her home.  I was given a red bottle which I display lovingly in my dining room.  I admire my friend "C" very much.  She personifies everything I aspire to be.  She is beautiful, inside and out.  She is patient and loving.  She is kind and funny.  She is creative and a fantastic cook, even with her vegan lifestyle, the woman can cook!  I love my friend "C" very much and she has been a blessing to me for several years.  How we met is a story within itself, but the Lord brought us together in an unusual way.  Thank you, Lord, for "C."  She has been a blessing in more ways that I can say.  I am so glad and honored to have her in my life!

My beautiful friend, "C"

 

 

 

 

 

I believe there are sufficient magnets on her fridge. 

 What do you think?

 

 

Lilia A., "The Betrayal"

("C" is the model on the lower right corner)

 

 

 

 

 



Friday Night with America

It is almost 10:30 pm on a Friday night.  I really had nothing planned for tonight.  I talked to several friends on the phone and made plans with them to meet for dinner in a couple of weeks.  No date, no movies, no drinks, no nothing.  It is just me and "America."  I was planning to stop by the liquor store and purchase a bottle of wine, but that didn't even seem enticing.  What?!  No wine!!  ha  I will be picking up Nathaniel around 11 pm.  I figured there really was not much to do.  Bills are paid, apartment is cleaned, dogs are fed and dishes are still waiting for me in the sink.  Ummmm, those can wait.  It seems odd that I didn't plan anything for tonight.  Maybe subconsciously, I wanted it that way.  Just me and "America," and why not?  Damn!  I knew I should have stopped by the liquor store, a glass of wine would have been great right now.  Oh well, I will need to be getting out soon and then I am hitting the sack early, yeah 11:30 pm is early, at least for me.  Well, listening to one of my favorite rock bands does make up for the lack of wine, especially when listening to "America" on a Friday Night.

 

America, "Never Found the Time"



.

I am in solitude

I do not have a problem with being alone, it somehow helps me with dealing with my every day life..  I love my friends and family, but I hate that I am always bombarded to do something with them, and sometimes I just want to be left alone.  Don't get me wrong, I do get lonely.  I enjoy the stimulation of a great conversation.  It is difficult for people to understand that I need that balance of solitude and being with people.  I am not a fan of crowds or loud venues, but I can deal with them for awhile.  I have been this way since I was a kid, and friends find it hard to accept that kind of "behavior."  Even when I was married, my ex would question my solitude and I had my reasons.  I felt alone, so why not be alone.  He didn't want to see the whole picture, he didn't care to.

In solitude I am able to break down everything that has gone in my life and put it in another perspective.  I guess I needed to write this, it is something I have been wanting to say just straight out.  I am not someone that is needy, but I do need.  I would like to depend on someone one day, because they can be for certain that they could depend on me.   So, if in my solitude I can see things through and continue with my healing, then so be it.  If this truth causes pain to those who read this entry, I do not apologize, because you should already know me by now. 

In its rawest form, one of the benefits of my solitude is that I have had intense conversations with God.  I have prayed and praised Him in the most darkest moments of my life, and having that time of solitude has benefited me in more ways than not.  Being in solitude with God has grown me, and if you think about it, many of the Lord's followers were loners, and what they have shared with the world is nothing but PHENOMENAL!!

Ingrid Michaelson, "Sort Of"



Strangely Beautiful

This video clip from the movie, "The Doctor," made me cry.  I recall that the most important thing when I was sick was the chance to dance with no reservations.  I dance everyday, because life is a beautiful gift from God!

 

Laurie Anderson, "Strange Angels"

 

 

 

Sunday drive

I was restless today.  I wanted to just go anywhere.  My son Nathaniel got up and left for church but didn't let me know he was leaving.  He later stated that he did not want to disturb me, so I didn't go to church either.  I finally got ready and went for a short drive with my son, then I went out and drove up Hwy 83,  I ended up in the town of Castle Rock.  I so wanted to have my favorite Iced Mocha coffee at Dazbog on Colfax and 2nd St, but the coffee shop closed at 5 pm.  So, I just decided to come home.  The drive home was restful and the mountains looked spectacular.  I was glad I took the drive, unfortunately, I did not take any photos.  So, I will be posting a photo from a drive I took several weeks ago. 

Before, I leave I wanted to share that my date on Friday night was wonderful!  The gentleman was kind, intelligent, extremely sexy and handsome and just FUN!  I had not had a date like that in . . . . never.  Not, that I had not had fantastic times on a dates with others, but this man and I talked.  He asked me questions and waited for me to answer, without interruption!  We met for dinner at 6 pm and our date ended at 2:30 am.  I felt very comfortable with him and if nothing else I am glad I went out with him.  We ended up walking around the Broadmoor Hotel after dinner and having coffee at the Broadmoor bar, we closed the bar.  After leaving the Broadmoor we went for a drive, and then our date ended with me driving this gentleman back to his car.  It was just so much of everything nice!



 This photo was taken at a friends house in Black Forest, CO

 

 

 

 

 

2016

Another year is upon us!  I know I am only a month in a half overdue, but I needed to take some time and make some adjustments.  Personal ones.  My Christmas was quiet and a little melancholy.  My son, Nathaniel is grieving his father, as am I, but we are making the best of what God has planned for us.  New Years I spent at work.  Unfortunately, I missed the fireworks on Pikes Peak, which is something I hate to miss.  My Valentine's was spent with the love in my life, my son, Nathaniel.  Again, I had to work, but we spent the morning and early afternoon together.  I made an early dinner and he baked a cake.  I let him do his thing.  I feel my spirit on edge recently, as if a change needs to take place.  I know I am giving myself at least six months to a year to decide if I will continue living in Colorado Springs.  So much is going on with my life, some good and so many uncertainties.  I hate that feeling of not having some stability, but I do not believe that I have ever had that.  My job is going well.  I love my new church.  I am slowly reconnecting with friends that I shut out after my ex died.  I appreciate that they know me enough to leave me alone, and I love that they are there when I do contact them. 

Nathaniel and I went to an outing today up in Denver.  On our way back we talked about his father, and he asked me if I missed him.  I told him I did.  Then he asked me if I think about what he did, and then he went unto say that that didn't matter anymore to him.  I told my son that what happened is done, no sense in reliving that which God has closed the door on.  I also told Nathaniel that it was okay to cry for his dad, because I still did.  I do miss both my ex husband and my son.  I know I always will.  I did not want to start the new year with such a depressing entry, but when a family is torn by trauma and death, it is a process to heal.  And yeah, I am taking that time, and if anyone doesn't care for this process, go FUCK yourselves!!  Alrighty then, that felt good!!

Tomorrow night I have a date with someone I have been corresponding with since last November.  I do feel that I am ready to go out and take a chance on a little romance.  My sister and close friends are happy that I am taking chances with dating again.  So am I.

Now, that I have brought you up to speed with my crazy life.  I hope that as you have read my blog my strongest ally in life has been the Lord.  I know that I would not be able to handle everything that has happened without God's hand in my life.  Great to know that the King/Creator/Savior of the universe cares about you and me.  Yeah, great to know!!

  I so do love to laugh!! 

 

 



Interlude

 

"Interlude"  Shane and Shane