Touching Base

Well, hello, dear readers!  You probably thought I had fallen off the face of the earth, but I was hanging in there and getting some important things sorted out.  I found a new place to live, not far from my work and all I have to say that it has its quirks, but I do love it.  God is good and provided a way for us to move out of the basement apartment we were so unhappy.  Grateful to my Father all the time, knowing I am not deserving.  He is good!

Well, I am still working and making my little place into a home, need to get some little odds and ends, but enjoying hunting for them.  I am getting ready for a Thanksgiving Dinner next week and taking a staycation.  I could use the time off. 

We were living with a friend for the month of September until the current place was being refurbished.  We moved in October and I love my windows and the kitchen is wonderfully large.  I even have a washer and dryer.  God is good!  My job is only minute away and the train runs on the other side of a private field.  So, now, I can say I live in the other side of the train tracks.  HA!

I thought I would write a quick entry to touch base.  My life has taken a little bit of some normalcy, and I pray God keeps it that way for awhile.  I will write very soon.  So much has happened, no, no Mr. Alaska.  HA!  Just the Lord and me, and my small family.  Thank you, Father, for my new home and time to rest in your arms. Thank You!!

Second Chances

I believe in second chances.  I give them and have been given these do overs, these mistakes and choices that may have been misconstrued.  You know, misunderstandings. So, by now you probably may have gathered that I gave Mr. Alaska that second chance, actually, we gave whatever we had going a second chance.  As if the first time was not enough for me.  I am not a martyr, just to let you know.  I sincerely believed we could make a go of whatever we had, I was in love with Mr. Alaska.  I should have just walked on.  To make a long story and I mean long story short.  Mr. Alaska came back to Colorado to visit, he had purchased his ticket awhile back ago, so we thought okay, let's give this a go, again.  We had planned this trip to my home state of Texas, we were supposed to announce our engagement to our families.  Of course, I had broken that engagement prior to this trip.  So, Mr. Alaska came to Colorado on a Thursday, we had a date on Friday and a wedding on Saturday.  It was going well, but at the wedding something shifted again after Mr. Alaska asked me to be his girlfriend, again.  I of course said, "yes."  I loved this man, why not.  The entire night of the wedding my boyfriend gave me his back and sat away from me.  I just did not understand.  I was hurt.  So hurt.  This man humiliated me in front of my entire church family.  I did say something about his behavior, but Mr. Alaska only gave me a half baked excuse.  We still went to Texas, as my family was expecting me.  Needless to say I only saw Mr. Alaska in the evenings when we met up with dear friends of ours.  Mr. Alaska continued his cold behavior and at one point dismissed me in front of our friends.  Okay, no, I am not a doormat, but I sure as hell knew this was not going to continue.  So, now I was humiliated in front of my family and our friends.  I did not say a thing, I let it simmer because I wanted to let him feel the eruption of my soul.  We came back to Colorado and Mr. Alaska stayed until his flight the following Monday.  We did go out and did enjoy ourselves a bit, but I did not say a word.  I guess he thought I was a desperate fool of a woman.  After several weeks of calling each other every couple of days I finally had to say something, and, I did.  I spoke to Mr. Alaska and let him know that his treatment towards me was unacceptable and I did not want to pursue a relationship with him.  All he could say to me is that he was not "perfect."  What?!!  We talked for a few more days and I could not pretend.  I was angry with myself for believing that Mr. Alaska learned his lesson on how not to treat a woman, absolutely not!  I text him a goodbye line. Why call.  What was the point!  And, now I am writing about this experience.  I did wish Mr. Alaska well and told him to take care.  I do have a sense of decorum, but IT IS OVER!!!!  So, with all this said, I believe that my second chances will still continue, but if I see a lost cause on the first try, I better let go of that second chance.



Anniversaries

This year is going by as fast as running water draining in the sink.  The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of travel, second chances and anniversaries.  I celebrated 4 years in the ER, I started my job on March 2015.  I would have been married 33 years, I married in May of 1986.  And it has been 6 years since I had two brain aneurysms in the month of June 2013.  And my ex has been dead 4 years now, Cal passed away on July 16, 2015.  The majority of my anniversaries have been blessings and celebrations of life. But, I believe the hardest anniversary was my ex husband's death.  I realized today how much I miss Cal. Yes, it sounds strange with all the pain he caused his family, but, there was some wonderful things about Cal too.  He was truly an adventurous man.  He was very much into nature. Cal loved the ocean a great deal, he was in his element in the water.  He was a fisherman, hiker, mountain climber, he hiked up Guadalupe Peak.  He was involved with the Sierra Club and taught me the basics of camping. Cal and I were avid campers and hikers.  He was also extremely patient with me.  He was a business man and an artist.  He was a professional photographer and created some beautiful ceramic pieces; I still have some of his ceramic pieces. I also kept his cameras in hopes that I will pick up photography soon.  I miss our talks and Cal could talk. I could make Cal laugh, I loved his laughter.  He loved my warped sense of humor, one of the few people who got me.  Cal was extremely intelligent and the man could read something and remember every word of what he read.  Cal's last creative piece was building a hammer dulcimer, he never finished it and I have the dulcimer on display in my son's room.  My son, Nathaniel asked to keep it.  I could not refuse, it was a Father's day gift for Cal.

There are many days that I wish we didn't go through the insanity of my ex's addiction, but we did.  The trauma forced on our family still pains me today.  I guess the healing is never ending, but I know that the forgiveness is there. It will always be there. I prayed today that the Lord would give Cal a kiss on his cheek and a great hug from me.  I asked the Lord to tell Cal that I did love him, and that you were taking care of me and our son, Nathaniel.  I felt such peace and joy for having lived my life with Cal.  We did have some good times and I remember those times with so much joy.  Cal was an imperfect man, like the rest of us, living in an imperfect world, but never the less, loving the Lord with such desperation.  That is the one thing that I will always remember about Cal, his desperate love of God.
 

 

Rich Mullins, "Calling Out Your Name" 

 

 

 

                                                        

Different Drum

 

 

It is officially over.  It has been difficult for me to come to a decision, but not really.  The letter was written and mailed off.   I will miss you, Mr. Alaska.  I do love you very much, but it just cannot be.  We may want the same things, but I do not want to be a bird in a cage.  I am not knocking marriage, but I want a man who does not manipulate my heart. Thank you, Mr. Alaska, for asking me to marry you, for any old reason. 

 

 

"Different Drum" Linda Ronstadt

Happy Birthday, Sergio

Today is my son's, Sergio's birthday.  He would have been 33 years old.  I cannot believe how time flies.  I still remember when we received the news that you were gone, it never leaves my mind, and the heartache never heals completely.  Thank you, Father, for the gift he was to me.  Happy Birthday, Mijo.

Sergio and our dog Shiloh, 1999

 

I am really here

Do you know what I want?! I want you to tell me when you need me.  Ask me if I need some time alone.  Ask me to pick you up at the airport.  Ask me if I truly understand you, because I don't.  Ask me how I am, because I am really here.  Don't demand. Don't take me for granted.  Don't make assumptions on what I need or what I want.  I am a grown woman, I am not a child.  Ask me, don't tell me!  I want you to know that I am really here.

"Secret Garden" Bruce Springsteen





 

 

 

But, Part II

Several weeks ago I wrote about a gentleman that I had met and we were beginning to develop a relationship.  Unfortunately, he lived in another state and wanted to meet me, so he flew all the way from Alaska to Colorado.  Well, I had some reservations about him and it seemed that I could not get over the but of something amiss about this man.  No, he wasn't married.  I was struggling with my feelings for this man, I knew that he was not being honest with me about his beliefs, and I was just all over the place with my emotional and mental state. I was definitely off balance, and I did not like it at all.  My spiritual state was not in check with the Holy Spirit.  I felt like I was a woman in severe drama code.  And, I HATE drama!!

 Last night I tried to have a discussion with Mr. Alaska about how I believed he was disappointed with me.  He did not want to discuss the matter and when I tried to talk to him about it tonight, he told me that he felt the discussion was done.  But, it was not.  After listening to Mr. Alaska and his love for me, he told me that we could work things out as a couple.  Mr. Alaska proceeded to tell me that that is what a couples do.  So, I had to let Mr. Alaska know that I could not marry him this November and that I needed to seek some counseling to deal with the garbage still left from my ex's crap, crap I did not want to bring into this "relationship."  Well, let's just say that Mr. Alaska bailed, first I felt he shut down and second he felt that maybe I should handle my issues alone.  HA!! HA!!  So, much for supporting each other as a couple.  To be quite frank with you, I did not feel upset about what he said to me, you see the night before I was in fervent prayer with my Father in Heaven.  I was a mess and I asked my Father that if Mr. Alaska was not the man for me, that he would break off this relationship.  So, when Mr. Alaska wanted to let me heal alone I knew Mr. Alaska was not for me. I felt balanced again.  So, yes, God does answer prayer when one is too weak and unbalanced to stop something that is hard to do.

 Mr. Alaska was so gentlemanly.  It is sad when many women I know don't fall for the bullshit of a man saying that he will take care of us.  And be there for us and blah, blah, blah!!  It is just so cliché!  I like many women know, if the man gives lip service about how wonderful he is, take it as that ladies, lip service. He is not that wonderful.  A man who truly loves a woman will do for a woman without telling a woman that he will take care of you, he just will.  I've known that for many, many years.  Believe me, I was the last person to fall for lip service, and unfortunately, I did, a little.  God is good to rescue me from the menusha of Mr. Alaska.  Yes, the Lord loves him too.  Why not, I mean the man is kind, but still just lip service!!  So, Mr. Alaska, do you understand what I am saying?!  That no one wants an ass in their buts!!

Ane Brun, "Do You Remember"

 

 





MerryGoRound

 

Okay, I believe that we have control of our thought process, and I do believe that, very much.  I have always and I mean always lived my life in a very non traditional way.  Though, I have lived it traditionally because that is how a "good" mother and wife lives her life for her family.  But, I did get bored with the way I was expected to behave, I was bored out of my mind.  My son's knew that mom was not like the other moms from their class or church.  Even my ex husband knew that too, I guess that is why he enjoyed hanging with me when we met, and he even chilled with me before and after our divorce.  Yes, we still kicked off our shoes on occasion.  I am not saying I am a party person or anything like that, but I do enjoy people for who they are.  I am cautious at times and also try to be accepting on some things, but not all. I mean really we have to make choices in our lives that will not ruin us.
 

Anyway . . . . .

 



Why, am I writing this entry, again, not to sure.  Though, I wanted to just put truth out there.  Truth that I believe in Jesus and I know I belong to my Father in Heaven, and that I am royalty. I believe that because He tells me that in his word.  Though, I will admit sometimes I do not behave royally.  I behave more like a royal pain.  I have tried to live my life riding this merry go round. I want to follow where I am led by the Lord.   I read a meme a couple of days ago that said something about knowing God's word is not the same and doing God's work.  So, true.  I want to be following the Lord who saved me back in 1991, and I want the Lord to use this eclectic person to do his will. I will be who I am, loving, fun, compassionate, understanding and excessively funny.  Okay, maybe not to excessive.  So, while riding the merry go round of life I will continue to hang unto the Lord tightly, because I know that He will help me to stay the course, after the music and ride from the merry go round stops.

 

"Merry Go Round"  Kacey Musgraves

 

 



But

I recently had a friend visit from out of town.  He was kind, generous, cute and he loved to go out and do things.  We had a wonderful time.  This friend and I had been communicating since last October, and we have gotten very close with our feelings, to the point of saying the three magic words, "I love you."  He asked me to be his girlfriend and we would like to get married in the very near future. Yes, marriage.  I know I had shared with my friend that I needed to finish college.  My friend was all about I will take care of you, but, do I really want to be taken care of?!  I have been taking care of myself for a very long time and having someone tell me they want to take care of me freaks me out, a little.  Please, don't get me wrong, I do care for this man, but, there it is, but.  My friend left yesterday to his home state, and I did cry a little and as I drove home I thought about all the things we had done, and our conversations of a future together.  But, there it is again, but.  What is the but?!  I need to step back and review why I am having this but come up.  My internal gut radar is not going off that something is wrong or bad, but, there it is again, but.  Am I being cautious?  I know I am, but, why? I know no one is perfect, but, am I settling?  Is that it?!  Am I settling?!  Is he settling?!  I don't want to be someone settles for, I want someone to have that same fire for me that I would have for him.  Do I have that fire for him?  Is that fire important? I believe it is, for me.  I care for him and feel safe with him.  I definitely need to step back and review everything carefully.  I do care for this man, but, is it me?  Am I that jaded that I would rather burn a man than give him the opportunity to love and care for me.  Am I just afraid of being hurt, deceived, betrayed and not respected that I do not want to take a chance with a good man, because I thought I had a good man before?  Will he add to my happiness and joy, or will he drain me from existence like my ex did.  Do I love him, yes, but, am I IN LOVE with him?  I believe I am! That is very important.  I know the difference.  I have felt the difference before! I have asked God many times that His will be done in the man of His choosing for my life.  Is my internal gut alignment aching in pain if I push this man away from me?  Yes, it is.  Such an emotional rollercoaster. I pray the Lord gives me an answer in reference to being with this man, and I pray he gives me an answer quickly.  I do not care for having but moments, but, it is what I am going through right now. I know the Lord will show me and my eyes will be wide open, and there will be No buts about it!!

 



 

Tennessee

Goodbye Tennessee .  .  .  .  .  My heart has healed from its wound and now it is free to love again.  Though, I did love you, but I knew it was not meant to be.  You are not my match and you will never know your worth, because you believe in the lies of a broken and fallen world.  Good bye Tennessee, I lift you up in prayer that one day you will come to know the Lord, Jesus Christ, our Saviour. 

Tennessee by Hans Zimmer