Merry Christmas

______________________________________

Burl Ives, "Silver and Gold"

 



Love!!

My Hobbit hole is decorated with Christmas.  It looks quite lovely and festive.  I did not go overboard, but simple basics, like a tree.  It feels homey and a little magical.  At least it does to me.  I am off from work for the next several days and I have a busy schedule.  I love this time of year, it is just beautiful.  Even with all the commotion of the world, I take in the magic of the season.  Christmas is a reminder to the world of God coming down in the flesh.  It may go over our heads, but believing in that gives me a hope.  That our living God came down from heaven, became man, died for us, and welcomes us, with all our garbage.  Love!! 

I have to admit that my heart and spirit have become a little more darker.  And, I know why.  I have not given my Lord the time that He wants from me.  I mean, I give him my prayers, which are intimate conservations.  I give Him acknowledgement.  I gave Him my life and heart.  But, one thing where I am lacking is in my time.  I give the Lord that I love very little time.  Not, that I am so busy, but have become a little bitter.  Not angry, but sad.  Sad for the things that I cannot comprehend. God is in control, and I know that.  Though, I tend to be tough on myself, but tougher on others who should be our leaders in the church.  I have to stop!!  Love!!  My grievances are selfish and not fully holy in my Father's eyes.  He knows my heart better that me, I know that for a fact.  With everything that my family and I have gone through, I do not want to neglect the fact that the Lord has carried us through so much.  I am eternally grateful!! 

As I sit hit in my Hobbit hole, which the Lord gave us, and I am content. I want to thank the Creator of the universe with my Love!!  Thanking Him for these quiet moments, away from so much pain.  Thanking my Lord for helping me see my shortcomings, and still Loves me!!  Still .  .  . 

So, with all this said, I am asking my Lord, Jesus, King, for help in restoring my bitter heart and filling it with his Love!!  Thank you, Father, for still looking out for my son and me.  Please, bless our home and lives, envelope it with your Love!!

Thank you.

Love!!

"HEAVEN BREAKS"  Sleeping at Last

 



Birthday

Today is my birthday, and all I can say about it is that it "sucks!"  All my birthdays have sucked.  I have found that when someone else wants to do something for my birthday, it never pans out.  So, I have learned to treat myself on my birthday.  Today I got up, took a shower and left around 10 in the morning.  I ran a lot of errands, then I came home, no one was home, so, I took myself out to my favorite Indian restaurant and had lunch.  The hostess was so kind and gave me a free chai tea, this was after I told her it was my birthday.  My birthday, unfortunately, falls near or on the day of Thanksgiving.  When I was growing up my parents would forget my birthday, then they would realize later that evening or week.  They would feel bad and just wish me a Happy Birthday, no cake, no presents, just a happy birthday.  I was supposed to have a birthday breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Adam's Mountain Café in Manitou Springs, but it was cancelled because one of my friends had a job interview.  My son did not want to go to the restaurant anymore because they did not have his favorite lasagna.  Really??!!  Another friend was meeting a client, and another friend is going through some serious depression, and did not want to go out. We planned this breakfast almost a month ago.  I give up!  It was pretty pathetic.

When I was married, my ex somehow would ruin my birthdays.  Luckily, I would already have my plans in place and celebrate my birthday myself.  My worst birthday was when I turned forty.  I was so excited to have an actual party, unfortunately my ex was not all there and he marred the whole thing.  I had requested to buy a cake from a local bakery who made awesome cakes.  But, he insisted on making my cake.  I remember coming home from work and as I walked up to the screen door I saw my ex throw my birthday cake across the kitchen because it stuck to the pans.  I was so hurt.  I remember telling him I would take care of my own cake, he became angry and told me he would take care of it.  He purchased a cake from our local grocery store.  It was not a good party.

Now, I am at home.  My son called me from work and asked me where I had gone, I told him.  He told me that he wanted to take me out.  I don't want to go out.  I already celebrated my birthday and I am done.

Don't feel sorry for me, I already did that, but, not for long. I purchased myself a pair of lovely earrings, which I am wearing. 

I have always tried to take things in stride, but I no longer wait for anyone to celebrate my birthday's or any other holiday for that matter.  I still decorate for the Fall and Christmas.  I purchase my own chocolates and flowers for Valentine's and I am enjoying the little things life has to offer, because I know what I need and want.  I have stopped depending on anyone else making my life beautiful, God does that for me everyday, and HE treats me like a princess.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

"Fuck I'm Old!"  Sex in the City

 

Addendum

I love this time of year!  I know this has been shared before in my blog, but this time of year mellows me in some ways, and rejuvenates me in others.  I will be celebrating a birthday in two weeks.  How do I feel about that, well, I feel fine.  Being a woman of stature and maturity is becoming. I am really comfortable with my own skin.  I have liked myself for some time now, but now, I love who I am becoming. The passion of life has not escaped me.  Also, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff, well, I did say I am trying. 

Now part of this entry is a continuation of the conundrum of my renting the upstairs apartment, and I am so grateful that I am not.  My son and I did go into the office and speak with the management company and we sorted things out amicably. The decision for higher rent on the upstairs apartment was the owners decision, not the management company.  So much work is being done upstairs, my son and I could understand the motive behind such an increase.  Actually, to be quite frank, I am glad we are staying downstairs.  I feel safer and I am already settled.  Now, to paint and enjoy my little hobbit hole.  Hmmmm from Troll hole to Hobbit hole, all is well, and God is good.  I do feel better when I am able to talk things out, especially when my family is involved. 

Work has been going well.  I am still enjoying my job in the ER, even with all the changes.  It will be four years next March.  I thank the Lord for placing me where my heart can serve those who are hurting.

As I write this blog entry, I feel a sense of peace and gratefulness.  I believe I am coming out of a delayed reaction to all the trauma that I have experienced in the last fifteen years.  I pray that the Lord will protect my son and me through our continuing journey.  We are still healing, everything I went through, my son went through with me.  Please, Father, continue to have mercy on us and continue to bless us in your grace.

It is nice to listen to soft music and type this entry.  My son is with a friend to hang out for awhile and then he was going into work.  Please, Father, keep my son and his friend safe.  Bless their time together. 

Well, I believe I will be signing off.  I will try to write a little more.  My son told him that he enjoys reading my entries.  Well, I am glad because I know writing does help express myself and therapy can be so expensive.

"Forever Autumn" Justin Hayward

 

 



Needs and Autumn

I gave my son the news about the upstairs apt this morning.  He was asking that we should go into the office and offer to replace the toilet ourselves.  You know, I do not want to pay $185.00 more on rent and buy a toilet for a house that I have to fix or update.  I felt a little relieved and told my son that not being able to move upstairs was the issue, but the deceitfulness of the management company.  I should have read the reviews on their website, their deceit is a common practice, now I know.  So, I will need to finish the remainder of my lease, but I will start looking again.  God will provide.  I am hurt and at my age I am trying not to be so cynical, but maybe a little cynicism is needed.  Not all who smile and pretend to care do, I tell my son that all the time.  Maybe, I have to remind myself of that.  You would think that a woman my age would know that, and I do, but I do give people a chance.  Once I am screwed over I do not hesitate my treatment on them.  I am cordial, but never trusting again. We are NOT perfect, but I grew up and raised my sons to honor their word, it shows a man's or woman's character when their word is honored.  Good to get that off my chest.

Anyway .  .  .  .

I believe the Lord is giving us what we need, instead of what we want.  I trust God and follow His lead as the head of my home. 

It is Halloween today.  I cannot say it is my favorite holiday, but it is in the middle of my favorite season, Autumn.  I did not buy candy for tonight.  I do not know if children will be coming by for treats.  I am not in a festive mood for Halloween, but I did decorate for Autumn.  My little apartment looks so homey and warm.  I did get rid of a lot of Autumn decorations before we moved into this apartment, it was time to scale down.  I am glad I did and didn't, but decisions need to be made when scaling down.  My home would be so decked out with Autumn leaves, pumpkins and my turkeys.  Unfortunately, I had two broken turkeys, it was a little upsetting and they could not be glued.  It seems that gluing broken things is not what I want, I told my son that I have had so much brokenness in my life, I did not feel that gluing these turkeys would help.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am extremely joyful, but I am choosing not to hang unto things that cannot be fixed.  Especially, when so many of us are so broken and do not want healing.  I want my son to grasp the beauty of life and the blessings.  Yes, the world is unraveling in such a rapid pace, but we have to choose to be joyful, not blind, but finding joy in God's arms. 

Well, I will sign off for now.  Two entries in one day.  I guess I needed to express my disappointment,  but I need to accept these small blessings and enjoy the smallest needs are better than our large wants.

"Midnight Crow" Acrylic on canvas, artist Li lia



Lack of integrity.

It is 12:51 a.m. Halloween morning, early, early, morning.  I could not sleep after reading an email from the rental management company I rent from.  They had sent an email to inform me that they would not be able to rent the upstairs apartment because I requested too many things to be updated or fixed.  I only requested a new toilet.  They also added that I would be charged for breaking my lease downstairs.  Sad to say that this company has no integrity.  I am assuming that they are wanting more on the rent than what they offered me.  You, know in Colorado Springs, one can rent a one bedroom apt for eleven hundred dollars, so a two bedroom, one bath house with garage will probably bring in thirteen hundred dollars.  These greedy slumlords!! I will need to find another place to rent.  I am really unable to buy at this time, but I will start looking for a decent place to rent.  The state of Colorado allows slumlords to flourish.  I take care of my place and keep it clean.  I am a hurt because the vice president of this company sold me a bill of goods.  The place needs minor work, but these slumlords act like there are too many request for fixes.  I am upset and I hope that these slumlords would have the decency to at least replace the windows, which I can tell you they will not.  I wonder if these people live in the same shit holes they rent.  Right!!  I am done with people who are deceitful, with who they are, what they do and what they say.  I am glad that the Lord helped me to refrain myself when I emailed the rental company back.  I kept my integrity intact and responded with respect.  After some thought, I believe the Lord wants something better for my son and me, so I just pray we do not have another flood in our apartment, and that I can find a rental where the management cares about their renters and rentals.

Troll Hole

Wow!!  These months just flew by and I am still trudging along.  HA!  I am doing well.  Moved into my new little troll hole, and love it.  It took some time getting used to living in a house that was converted into two apartments.  I have a little back yard and I am cleaning up and landscaping little by little.  My neighbors upstairs keep to themselves.  I work with the male tenant who lives upstairs in the ER, he was the one who told me about this apartment. Apparently, he hesitated to tell me that his girlfriend and him are chain smokers.  Anyway .  .  .  .

 I will admit that I struggled with this apartment at first, it was a TROLL hole, I cried a lot.  My son kept encouraging me that I could make it into a home, then I remembered my first apartment in New Jersey, it was a makeshift building, with no insulation and it was right above the bay water.  I remembered I cleaned that place and made it our home, at least for about a week, because the neighbors upstairs had a fire which destroyed the building.  Ah, memories.  But I have to admit I struggled a little when I moved into this troll hole, which I lovingly call it, but it is sufficient for our needs.  We are basically settled and I do feel safe here.

My neighbors upstairs are possibly signing on a house, and their apt will be opened.  I spoke with the management company and asked them if we could have it, but if they could keep the rent the same.  They told us they would get back with us, first they needed to speak with the owner of the house.  I have to admit I do love my underground home, but the upstairs apartment has a fireplace, a tub and washer and dryer.  My downstairs has a stand up shower, no washer and dryer, so I go to the Laundromat, and the fireplace is not functional, it was sealed up. I am not complaining, but if they can keep the rent to what the upstairs tenants are paying, I would definitely consider taking it.

AUGH!!  Possibly another move, only I believe it would be easier because we would be moving upstairs.  We will see, and I promise to keep you posted.  I believe I took photos of this apartment before I swooped the hand of god though this place.  I will be honest, I cried a lot because I could not believe what it dump it was, but now it looks like a home, a warm home.  I still need to buy a love seat, I threw out the old one I had, it was time.

I had to find a home for my Maggie, it was a hard decision, but I had to do it.  She would cry for hours when we are gone, and the male tenant who lives upstairs works overnights in the ER, so he needs his sleep. I should have kept her.  A friend, of my son took her, and she is doing so well.  There are four people in that house and she has someone with her at all times. Unfortunately, she has gained 13 lbs, so I spoke with the new owner and told her not to give her too many snacks.  She promised to talk to her family.  I told the new owner that the vet felt she was healthy, but needed to lose weight, don't we all, because Maggie will start having back problems.  I have to share though, that when I took Maggie to the vet, she would not look at me.  She just was not the same with me.  I miss her and I understand that maybe she is angry and hurt, she was with us for 13 years, it broke my heart.  But, she truly is happy with the new owner and home.  She is more spoiled there than with me, if that is possible.  HA!  Well, I guess I will sign off for now.  I believe I shared enough to let you know that I am well and God is good.  I am grateful for His love for us, especially, on His taking care of my family and me.  I am grateful for God's provision.

My Maggie.  I love you and miss you.

  God take care of her.

 

 



Windows

As I am typing this entry in my blog, I am sitting in my favorite spot in my current apartment, the window.  I have the shades wide opened and a breeze is blowing in, it refreshes my spirit.  I will miss my windows, that is what drew me to these apartments to begin with.  I love the light and air, especially the surrounding trees that would sway back and forth from the gentle wind.  Sometimes, if I needed to escape the misery of the world I would have a cup or glass of something and I would look out the windows, everything from my perspective looked peaceful, as it should be.  My window view was a source of comfort.  Unfortunately, these last few months I have stayed in a lot, and my apartment windows helped with my healing.  I would look out my windows to the world and I would start to plan what I would do once my strength would increase, and now that I feel 85% stronger, I am looking forward to some adventures, adventures I would plan behind a screen and glass pane.  My new apartment will give me a different view of the world, mostly from the ground up.  I just hope that my new view will inspire me to have a new perspective and plan new adventures.  I am very much looking forward to these new old windows, they will have a lot to show me.

 

 

Hallway Hutch

It is a beautiful day today.  I have all my windows open, the dogs have been taken out and fed and I have dirty dishes soaking in the sink.  There are boxes all over my apartment and yesterday a friend made arrangements for movers to come on the 10th of June to take my furniture to my new place.  It seems like things are falling into place, and the best thing about this move is that I do not feel anxious.  I know the Lord is orchestrating the whole process, and I am so grateful for that.  Don't get me wrong I have had some moments of what ifs, but then I am in total peace and continue on forward.  I just sold my beautiful hallway hutch that was given to me a couple of years ago.  A friend of ours had this this hallway hutch in her home and she did not want it anymore.  So, I told her if she ever got rid of this gorgeous piece of furniture, I would take it from her.  Well, she gave it to me and I so loved it!  Unfortunately, it is a little too tall for my new apartment.  So, my son placed ads in several venues and a very sweet woman purchased my hutch.  She stated that she had been looking for a hallway hutch like mine for years, so her husband came by and purchased it from us, at full price.  She later messaged my son's account to let us know that she loved the hutch and thanked us.  It made me feel better that someone loves this piece of furniture as much as I do.  I know it is an adamant object, but it was something I appreciated and used, and it made my bedroom feel so elegant, it really was a beautiful piece of furniture. 



Grieving Colorado

It has been awhile since I've last written.  It is not that I had nothing to write about, but life does keep one busy.  Not that I am busy all the time, but priorities can become misplaced.  In other words I have been too exhausted to write or maybe too lazy.  But, I am still working at the hospital, I am getting ready to go back to school and I found another place to live.  I have shared in the past on the issues with my apartment complex and continued increases in rent, which will be going up another 65.00 a month.  So, my son and I have been packing for the last month, I cannot believe how much we have, mostly my stuff.  It is a lot of things I use and the things I do not use I have been donating or throwing away.  I decided to stay in the Springs for another year, the place I am renting is a little smaller and a lot less on rent, but it will help me save a little.  The cost of living is becoming ridiculous in the Springs!  People are having to work two to three jobs just to stay above water.  The Springs is being overtaken by people from "progressive" states, and they are rude, selfish, arrogant and they are not wanted in Colorado.  My  beautiful state is becoming Colofornia.   Even though I am not a native of this state, I have been here 18 years and assimilated to the lifestyle of Colorado.  But those coming from other states leave their crap that they help create in their state, then move to other states because they like the lifestyle, then they bring the same mindset from the states they are fleeing from and they vote and want the crap they left.  Why don't just stay where you came from if you miss you crap so much!  It is just pathetic and unfortunately many Coloradoans are moving to states like Wyoming or Montana.  I cannot blame them.  How sad that Colorado will be destroyed in a matter of years, it is already starting with the garbage and politics, or is it one of the same.  I don't think I want to buy a home right now, but I hope I can save enough money to leave the Springs. But for now I will be moving into a two bedroom one bath basement apartment.  It is an older home, but I have the backyard for my dogs and no pot smokers!!  To think that many people are moving to Colorado for the pot, how pathetic!  Anyway, even Governor Hickenlooper stated that he did not want to pass the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, Yeah Right!!  Now, that he has lined his pockets with pot money he regrets it.  He could have vetoed the legalization of pot, maybe he is seeing the demise of our state with the garbage, homelessness, broken families and crimes increasing in Colorado.  Unfortunately, more lethal drugs have increased too.  I hope all these pathetic politicians sleep well at night.  WOW!!  If I sound disgusted and angry about sharing the truths of what a legalized drug can do to a state, I am telling you, it can destroy it!  Even the Coloradoans who voted for the legalization of pot are regretting it, big time!

Anyway .  .  .  .

Now, I wanted to write about what I have been up to, but I believe that I needed to share how Colorado is changing, and not for the better.  I miss my Colorado, especially the Springs, you are not the same.  You are becoming a giant garbage dump and the people who are moving here are disgusting.  They do not love you, but they are using you because they can afford to rape your natural beauty and they get away with it.  I will not leave you completely, but I will grieve you, I will live in grief for the slow loss of my beloved Colorado.



Garden of the Gods. Photo by Lilia

 



Well Done

This post is dedicated to Billy Graham and his family.  I so admired him, and I was fortunate to have seen him in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.  My son, Sergio and I went with a group from our church in New Jersey.  Sergio was about six years old when we attended Mr. Graham's crusade and when the invitation to ask Jesus into our hearts was offered, my son, Sergio begged me to take him down to the field.  I was hesitant at first because I felt that he did not know what he was doing, but Sergio always knew.  Sergio looked into my eyes and said, "I want to ask Jesus into my heart."  I still get teary eyed with such a sweet memory.  So, I went down with my son to the arena field and he prayed to receive Jesus into his heart.  I am so blessed to have been a witness to my son giving his life to Jesus.  I am so blessed. 

With that said.  Thank you, Mr. Graham for your obedience in sharing the gospel to a lost world.  Those who came to Christ because of your servant's heart will meet Jesus face to face and I believe what the following scripture shares with us what our Father will say, "Matthew 25:23 His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Enter into the joy of your master!’   AMEN.