I am in solitude

I do not have a problem with being alone, it somehow helps me with dealing with my every day life..  I love my friends and family, but I hate that I am always bombarded to do something with them, and sometimes I just want to be left alone.  Don't get me wrong, I do get lonely.  I enjoy the stimulation of a great conversation.  It is difficult for people to understand that I need that balance of solitude and being with people.  I am not a fan of crowds or loud venues, but I can deal with them for awhile.  I have been this way since I was a kid, and friends find it hard to accept that kind of "behavior."  Even when I was married, my ex would question my solitude and I had my reasons.  I felt alone, so why not be alone.  He didn't want to see the whole picture, he didn't care to.

In solitude I am able to break down everything that has gone in my life and put it in another perspective.  I guess I needed to write this, it is something I have been wanting to say just straight out.  I am not someone that is needy, but I do need.  I would like to depend on someone one day, because they can be for certain that they could depend on me.   So, if in my solitude I can see things through and continue with my healing, then so be it.  If this truth causes pain to those who read this entry, I do not apologize, because you should already know me by now. 

In its rawest form, one of the benefits of my solitude is that I have had intense conversations with God.  I have prayed and praised Him in the most darkest moments of my life, and having that time of solitude has benefited me in more ways than not.  Being in solitude with God has grown me, and if you think about it, many of the Lord's followers were loners, and what they have shared with the world is nothing but PHENOMENAL!!

Ingrid Michaelson, "Sort Of"



Strangely Beautiful

This video clip from the movie, "The Doctor," made me cry.  I recall that the most important thing when I was sick was the chance to dance with no reservations.  I dance everyday, because life is a beautiful gift from God!

 

Laurie Anderson, "Strange Angels"

 

 

 

Sunday drive

I was restless today.  I wanted to just go anywhere.  My son Nathaniel got up and left for church but didn't let me know he was leaving.  He later stated that he did not want to disturb me, so I didn't go to church either.  I finally got ready and went for a short drive with my son, then I went out and drove up Hwy 83,  I ended up in the town of Castle Rock.  I so wanted to have my favorite Iced Mocha coffee at Dazbog on Colfax and 2nd St, but the coffee shop closed at 5 pm.  So, I just decided to come home.  The drive home was restful and the mountains looked spectacular.  I was glad I took the drive, unfortunately, I did not take any photos.  So, I will be posting a photo from a drive I took several weeks ago. 

Before, I leave I wanted to share that my date on Friday night was wonderful!  The gentleman was kind, intelligent, extremely sexy and handsome and just FUN!  I had not had a date like that in . . . . never.  Not, that I had not had fantastic times on a dates with others, but this man and I talked.  He asked me questions and waited for me to answer, without interruption!  We met for dinner at 6 pm and our date ended at 2:30 am.  I felt very comfortable with him and if nothing else I am glad I went out with him.  We ended up walking around the Broadmoor Hotel after dinner and having coffee at the Broadmoor bar, we closed the bar.  After leaving the Broadmoor we went for a drive, and then our date ended with me driving this gentleman back to his car.  It was just so much of everything nice!



 This photo was taken at a friends house in Black Forest, CO

 

 

 

 

 

2016

Another year is upon us!  I know I am only a month in a half overdue, but I needed to take some time and make some adjustments.  Personal ones.  My Christmas was quiet and a little melancholy.  My son, Nathaniel is grieving his father, as am I, but we are making the best of what God has planned for us.  New Years I spent at work.  Unfortunately, I missed the fireworks on Pikes Peak, which is something I hate to miss.  My Valentine's was spent with the love in my life, my son, Nathaniel.  Again, I had to work, but we spent the morning and early afternoon together.  I made an early dinner and he baked a cake.  I let him do his thing.  I feel my spirit on edge recently, as if a change needs to take place.  I know I am giving myself at least six months to a year to decide if I will continue living in Colorado Springs.  So much is going on with my life, some good and so many uncertainties.  I hate that feeling of not having some stability, but I do not believe that I have ever had that.  My job is going well.  I love my new church.  I am slowly reconnecting with friends that I shut out after my ex died.  I appreciate that they know me enough to leave me alone, and I love that they are there when I do contact them. 

Nathaniel and I went to an outing today up in Denver.  On our way back we talked about his father, and he asked me if I missed him.  I told him I did.  Then he asked me if I think about what he did, and then he went unto say that that didn't matter anymore to him.  I told my son that what happened is done, no sense in reliving that which God has closed the door on.  I also told Nathaniel that it was okay to cry for his dad, because I still did.  I do miss both my ex husband and my son.  I know I always will.  I did not want to start the new year with such a depressing entry, but when a family is torn by trauma and death, it is a process to heal.  And yeah, I am taking that time, and if anyone doesn't care for this process, go FUCK yourselves!!  Alrighty then, that felt good!!

Tomorrow night I have a date with someone I have been corresponding with since last November.  I do feel that I am ready to go out and take a chance on a little romance.  My sister and close friends are happy that I am taking chances with dating again.  So am I.

Now, that I have brought you up to speed with my crazy life.  I hope that as you have read my blog my strongest ally in life has been the Lord.  I know that I would not be able to handle everything that has happened without God's hand in my life.  Great to know that the King/Creator/Savior of the universe cares about you and me.  Yeah, great to know!!

  I so do love to laugh!! 

 

 



Interlude

 

"Interlude"  Shane and Shane