All things

It is starting to feel like the Fall.  I love the Colorado colors of Autumn, but I must admit I miss the colors of the East Coast, they were amazing!  I decorated my home with my turkeys, foliage and other knick knacks of the Fall.  It feels so cozy and looks quite lovely.  You'll just have to take my word for now.  I will take photos soon and post a few of them, or maybe not.  Depends on how the pictures come out.  Nathaniel is camping with friends, the house is quiet.  I need that for now, I have not been watching television.  I love listening to music, it soothes my heart and soul.  I was driving home earlier after dropping Nathaniel off his friend's home.  I was thinking about so many people that I have cared for.  The silly crushes and heartbreaks of friends that are no longer in my life.  Right now I feel that my life is taking another shift.  I closed my cell phone account.  I am starting to look for another church.  I will be changing my home phone and am closing some email accounts.  I believe it is time for me to go forward with my life, though I have fallen into a bit of a depression.  I don't want to stay there, but I know I need to grieve.  I believe the loss of Cal has finally hit me.

Yeah, it seems about right.  We were raised by our dad to be stoic in all things.  To be like men and think like men.  The thing is, I am a woman, though I appreciate the firm and no bullshit way I was raised by my father, it comes in handy.  I am still a woman.  I am a beautiful emotional mess, and like I shared with my friend, David, last night.  Any woman who claims to have it together is a fucking liar!  No one, and I mean, no one has it together.  We live in a fallen world, so if you are breathing, well, you are a mess!  And that is okay!  I hate how our society deems any kind of emotion as a sign of weakness, well, screw you!  I have listened to that bull shit all my life, and I am tired of it.  You know, if Jesus, wept, became angry, ate, laughed, healed many, slept, felt betrayal, then, why am I supposed to be some super human woman!  Not happening!  So, I will grieve, laugh, become angry, eat lots of chocolate and ask for help when I need it.  I will continue to enjoy my job, love my son and friends!  I will think fondly of Cal, and learn to take photos with his cameras.  I will slowly let the hurt subside.  I will enjoy life and pray for those who are suffering, and I will continue to be grateful in all things!

 



Composition

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Lilia

 

                                                              that's all . . . 

 

 

 

 

 



Six years

I wrote this letter two months after Sergio had passed away.  Those who knew him and our family knew the struggles we had with him.  Mental illness is probably the most difficult thing a family can go through.  Watching our son suffer was torture for him and us.  We felt very much alone and felt like outcasts.  I know Sergio is in perfection with the Lord, and that is where I draw my strength from, God's promises.  I am glad that God entrusted this soul to me, with all the madness we went through, he was so worth the fight.  Because I am his mother, I thank God for those privileged moments when I saw who my son could have been.  Thank you, Father, thank you for those moments. 

It is two months today, November 10, 2009 that our son Sergio died. I still find it hard to believe that our son is gone.  It doesn’t help to notice that the days go by so fast, as if morning and night melt into each other and become one; no light no darkness, no depth. I suppose we are still in a fog, going through the motions of life.  We try to show our youngest son, Nathaniel, that all will be okay. We know that even though Sergio’s physical presence is gone, one day we will see him in eternity with Our Lord.  That is the hope we believe in; it is in God’s word and His promises are not empty.
The Saturday before Sergio died he talked to his father and told him that he was very thankful for everything we did for him, and for the home we had given him. He was adamant about following Jesus and that he would always be a Christian.  He also shared his dreams of settling down with a good woman and having children, and checking with his father if having children would make us grandparents.
Sergio knew the value of freedom for his mind, soul and body; something many of us take for granted.  Sergio shared his heart with people that no one would bother with, most of us would be afraid to.  He left a legacy of mercy, forgiveness and love.  Sergio was a talented artist, athlete and enjoyed rapping.  Words were his soothing balm; in many of the songs he wrote and sang, Sergio shared his love for God, family and the ideals of a life beyond torment and pain. 
There were some wonderful things shared by Sergio’s friends who loved him dearly; things we did not know about our son.  We want to thank you again for your insights.
I thank God for the privilege of being chosen to be Sergio’s mother.  God knew that I needed this child to build character and strength in me, and to learn to rely more on our Heavenly Father than on myself. 
We are very thankful for family and friends who have held us up in prayer and offered whatever they could do to help, just asking was a blessing, and we are grateful.

In Jesus,

Cal, Lilly and Nathaniel

Daughtry, "Home"

 

(Sergio sang this song at a talent show they had at the State Hospital he was in.  According to those who heard him sing, his performance was amazing.  He sang from his heart.  The lyrics say it all)