31

Today would have been my 31st Wedding Anniversary.  I was a little melancholy, but, it is what it is.  I went out today and ran some errands.  It was good to continue living my life and going about my business. 

No, there was not a celebration, but just more tears for what could have been.  I will be okay, I just needed a moment.  It will be all good, it always is.

Ed Sheeran, "Photograph"

 



Ch ch changes . . . .

Changes are inevitable.  Relationships, with friends seem to run their course. A mutual course, but it is still painful.  Work has been a little stressful, not so much the ER, but the new program that was installed. It sucks!!  It is not very user friendly and it takes its user through so many rabbit holes.  What a mess.  Other than that I still enjoy the job.  My living situation is still going.  Unfortunately, I may have to sign another year lease and paying 100.00 more on rent.  It is insane, but I have not found any other place that would be under what I am paying, so I am staying. HA!  It will be tight, but I am trusting in God's timing on what to do.  I have been considering buying a house again, but I do not know if I want to stay in the Springs.  I have written in the past that I feel it is time to go, and maybe that is why I am giving myself another year to become proficient in this Epic joke, but there are other hospitals that I may try to get into.  God will direct me, but it is not time yet. I may end up buying a house and dealing with the bullshit of maintenance, but it would be cheaper than rent.  I don't know. 

My son, has been diagnosed with seizures/epilepsy.  It just tore at me.  We are still running test with his eyes too, he had lost his sight on his right eye momentarily last year.  The neurologist suspected a stroke, I was floored.  But, thank God that was not the case.  We are trying to change our lives as to not to overstress ourselves.  It can be a little hard because my son is always going.  So, I just let him be.  God has his hand on him, and my son does rest when he has to.  He does monitor himself.  Our Father has him, and I trust that with everything I am.

School is calling back to me.  I do not have many classes to finish to get my Associates.  Wow.  I do not know if I want to continue with school after that.  We will see.  I thought maybe getting into Art Therapy, but I just do not have that motivation right now.  I am always tired.  I've been checked and I may have some depression.  You think?!  With all the crap that my son and I have gone through, it finally has caught up with me.  It sucks trying being stoic when everything around you is falling apart.  Conversations with the Lord are my treasured moments.  I will give Him the glory for sustaining me.  I love Him with every fiber of my being, I love His hand that envelopes me.  Life can be trying at time, and in all frankness, I know I would be in deeper merde if I did not have the Lord in my life.

Now, back to my current relationships.  I will tell you now, I am a very basic person.  I do not care for all the new fangle dangle crap that is out there.  I still have a land line and drive an old mini van, which I love.  It gets me to where I need to go.  I don't wear the latest designs or have jewelry to flaunt.  I dislike it when people want to change me and want to dress me like an over aged 20 year old.  I know how old I am and I like to be a little more conservative with myself, even when I was young I didn't need to flaunt myself.  I am comfortable with who I am, and I like who I am.  So, FUCK OFF!!!  If someone is that vain and shallow, please step aside and get out of my way. I don't have time for that kind of foolishness.  Give me a decent hiking trail, loving and kind friends, a night out of music and dancing and I am good!!  

Life is complicated enough.  I live to serve the Lord, though I have been laxed on that too.  I will not seek out those who do not believe in uplifting each other, but putting people down.  PLEASE!!  Your insecurities and low self esteem is showing.  I am pulling away from toxic people too.  Yes, I know they are everywhere, but I do not have to add to the poison.  I know how to walk away.  I have done that before, and I know others may have done that to me too, and with good reason. 

So, now that I have vented and shared my pain, frustrations, joys and my own insecurities about the future.  I hope that those who are in Christ will pray for God's guidance upon my family and me.  I ask for direction, knowledge, stronger relationship with Him and above all to live according to His will.  Again, changes will occur, whether on my or someone else's accord, and as long as God's hand is setting the road before me.