Birthday

Today is my birthday, and all I can say about it is that it "sucks!"  All my birthdays have sucked.  I have found that when someone else wants to do something for my birthday, it never pans out.  So, I have learned to treat myself on my birthday.  Today I got up, took a shower and left around 10 in the morning.  I ran a lot of errands, then I came home, no one was home, so, I took myself out to my favorite Indian restaurant and had lunch.  The hostess was so kind and gave me a free chai tea, this was after I told her it was my birthday.  My birthday, unfortunately, falls near or on the day of Thanksgiving.  When I was growing up my parents would forget my birthday, then they would realize later that evening or week.  They would feel bad and just wish me a Happy Birthday, no cake, no presents, just a happy birthday.  I was supposed to have a birthday breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Adam's Mountain Café in Manitou Springs, but it was cancelled because one of my friends had a job interview.  My son did not want to go to the restaurant anymore because they did not have his favorite lasagna.  Really??!!  Another friend was meeting a client, and another friend is going through some serious depression, and did not want to go out. We planned this breakfast almost a month ago.  I give up!  It was pretty pathetic.

When I was married, my ex somehow would ruin my birthdays.  Luckily, I would already have my plans in place and celebrate my birthday myself.  My worst birthday was when I turned forty.  I was so excited to have an actual party, unfortunately my ex was not all there and he marred the whole thing.  I had requested to buy a cake from a local bakery who made awesome cakes.  But, he insisted on making my cake.  I remember coming home from work and as I walked up to the screen door I saw my ex throw my birthday cake across the kitchen because it stuck to the pans.  I was so hurt.  I remember telling him I would take care of my own cake, he became angry and told me he would take care of it.  He purchased a cake from our local grocery store.  It was not a good party.

Now, I am at home.  My son called me from work and asked me where I had gone, I told him.  He told me that he wanted to take me out.  I don't want to go out.  I already celebrated my birthday and I am done.

Don't feel sorry for me, I already did that, but, not for long. I purchased myself a pair of lovely earrings, which I am wearing. 

I have always tried to take things in stride, but I no longer wait for anyone to celebrate my birthday's or any other holiday for that matter.  I still decorate for the Fall and Christmas.  I purchase my own chocolates and flowers for Valentine's and I am enjoying the little things life has to offer, because I know what I need and want.  I have stopped depending on anyone else making my life beautiful, God does that for me everyday, and HE treats me like a princess.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

"Fuck I'm Old!"  Sex in the City

 

Addendum

I love this time of year!  I know this has been shared before in my blog, but this time of year mellows me in some ways, and rejuvenates me in others.  I will be celebrating a birthday in two weeks.  How do I feel about that, well, I feel fine.  Being a woman of stature and maturity is becoming. I am really comfortable with my own skin.  I have liked myself for some time now, but now, I love who I am becoming. The passion of life has not escaped me.  Also, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff, well, I did say I am trying. 

Now part of this entry is a continuation of the conundrum of my renting the upstairs apartment, and I am so grateful that I am not.  My son and I did go into the office and speak with the management company and we sorted things out amicably. The decision for higher rent on the upstairs apartment was the owners decision, not the management company.  So much work is being done upstairs, my son and I could understand the motive behind such an increase.  Actually, to be quite frank, I am glad we are staying downstairs.  I feel safer and I am already settled.  Now, to paint and enjoy my little hobbit hole.  Hmmmm from Troll hole to Hobbit hole, all is well, and God is good.  I do feel better when I am able to talk things out, especially when my family is involved. 

Work has been going well.  I am still enjoying my job in the ER, even with all the changes.  It will be four years next March.  I thank the Lord for placing me where my heart can serve those who are hurting.

As I write this blog entry, I feel a sense of peace and gratefulness.  I believe I am coming out of a delayed reaction to all the trauma that I have experienced in the last fifteen years.  I pray that the Lord will protect my son and me through our continuing journey.  We are still healing, everything I went through, my son went through with me.  Please, Father, continue to have mercy on us and continue to bless us in your grace.

It is nice to listen to soft music and type this entry.  My son is with a friend to hang out for awhile and then he was going into work.  Please, Father, keep my son and his friend safe.  Bless their time together. 

Well, I believe I will be signing off.  I will try to write a little more.  My son told him that he enjoys reading my entries.  Well, I am glad because I know writing does help express myself and therapy can be so expensive.

"Forever Autumn" Justin Hayward