All things

It is starting to feel like the Fall.  I love the Colorado colors of Autumn, but I must admit I miss the colors of the East Coast, they were amazing!  I decorated my home with my turkeys, foliage and other knick knacks of the Fall.  It feels so cozy and looks quite lovely.  You'll just have to take my word for now.  I will take photos soon and post a few of them, or maybe not.  Depends on how the pictures come out.  Nathaniel is camping with friends, the house is quiet.  I need that for now, I have not been watching television.  I love listening to music, it soothes my heart and soul.  I was driving home earlier after dropping Nathaniel off his friend's home.  I was thinking about so many people that I have cared for.  The silly crushes and heartbreaks of friends that are no longer in my life.  Right now I feel that my life is taking another shift.  I closed my cell phone account.  I am starting to look for another church.  I will be changing my home phone and am closing some email accounts.  I believe it is time for me to go forward with my life, though I have fallen into a bit of a depression.  I don't want to stay there, but I know I need to grieve.  I believe the loss of Cal has finally hit me.

Yeah, it seems about right.  We were raised by our dad to be stoic in all things.  To be like men and think like men.  The thing is, I am a woman, though I appreciate the firm and no bullshit way I was raised by my father, it comes in handy.  I am still a woman.  I am a beautiful emotional mess, and like I shared with my friend, David, last night.  Any woman who claims to have it together is a fucking liar!  No one, and I mean, no one has it together.  We live in a fallen world, so if you are breathing, well, you are a mess!  And that is okay!  I hate how our society deems any kind of emotion as a sign of weakness, well, screw you!  I have listened to that bull shit all my life, and I am tired of it.  You know, if Jesus, wept, became angry, ate, laughed, healed many, slept, felt betrayal, then, why am I supposed to be some super human woman!  Not happening!  So, I will grieve, laugh, become angry, eat lots of chocolate and ask for help when I need it.  I will continue to enjoy my job, love my son and friends!  I will think fondly of Cal, and learn to take photos with his cameras.  I will slowly let the hurt subside.  I will enjoy life and pray for those who are suffering, and I will continue to be grateful in all things!

 



Composition

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Lilia

 

                                                              that's all . . . 

 

 

 

 

 



The Piano Guys

A month before Cal passed away, a friend and I had made plans to attend the "Piano Guys" concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, in Morrison, CO.  It was a great concert. It turned out to be a distraction I needed.  The amphitheater is definitely a sight to see and experience.  It was just beautiful!!  I am grateful for my friends and their understanding of what I am going through.  The thing that some people do not get is just because I was divorced from my ex, does not mean that what I had shared with him could be discarded.  I had a history with this man, over half my life.  I do have my good days, mostly good days, and that is including the moments of grief.  It is good to grieve, because it makes me realize how much joy I have in my heart too.  So, with that said, I am adding some great photos from Morrison, CO and the Piano Guys concert.

 

 

 

Happy Campers!

Keep breathing and LIVE

I have done nothing today.  Mostly lounged around like some queen of Sheba.  I did trim my hair, which is a bad thing to do, cut my hair.  Though, I must say I don't do too bad of a job.  Why pay someone my hard earned cash and end up with a hack job.  I will get a decent cut when my hair starts to look like troll hair, wild and unruly.  Yeah, that is the way it goes.  It is a pleasant day today.  It is raining, but ever so lightly.  I just re read a very passionate e mail I sent to someone several days ago.  I said everything I wanted to say, but was never given the chance.  This person talked immensely, and I never could get a word in edgewise.  Almost like my ex husband.  Did I mention that my ex husband passed away?  Yes, he died on July 16, 2015.  It has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride that never ends.  My son, Nathaniel went into shock when I told him.  I had to take him to the ER.  Lately, I have been in constant auto pilot.  I keep wondering if it is a dream or did the man I had known for 30 years and married for 27 really die?  My son and I just saw him about a month and a half ago.  My son, Nathaniel jumped out of a moving vehicle to see his father.  I saw Nathaniel run to his dad and they just hugged each other.  I parked my van and walked over to my ex.  We hugged each so tightly and he was crying.  I knew he was under a lot of stress and did not look well.  I just didn't know it would be the last time I would see him.  My ex struggled with addiction.  I know he is with the Lord, I have no doubt.  I remember walking with a friend that evening after I found out the news.  I was in shock myself.  I remember telling my friend if I would still be considered a divorced woman or a widow.  My friend, David, told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  I told him I just wanted to be me. 

We had Cal cremated, half of  Cal's ashes were shipped to Pennsylvania.  Nathaniel and I are making preparations for a memorial in Colorado.  I do not want to sound callous, but I personally would have just scattered my ex's ashes around Colorado.  It would have been our private moment, but I know my son needs closure, maybe I do too. 

I am so glad that Cal has seen the face of God, and will be with him for eternity.   Cal is now with the great men and women who served God.  He is also with my son, Sergio.  They were close.  Sergio, was more like me and Nathaniel is more like Cal.  I know one day Nathaniel and I will see Cal, Sergio, my mother, Cal Sr., Marylou, Tom and many others.  We will have such a fantastic family reunion.  But, for now I want to be an example for my son and keep breathing and continue to LIVE life.

 

Aaron Zigman, "Prom Night"

 

 

 

 



Reigns

As I am typing this entry, I can hear children playing outside.  I am feeling a gentle breeze blowing through an opened window, and watching the venetian blinds swaying back and forth.  I can feel my little Piglet (Paige) nudge my leg, to either, give her a dog biscuit, or she has to go out.  I am wondering if I should grab something to eat, but I am not hungry.  My son is at church, he is cooking dinner tonight. I am trying to decide if I should go out tonight, and deliver a graduation gift I have had for over a month.  Maybe, I should continue going through the bags of papers that belonged to my ex husband.  Maybe, I should just rest and sleep awhile.  Maybe, I should let the Lord take the reigns.  Father, please take them.

 

Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"

 



Katie Girls

I recently purchased the movie, "The Way We Were," with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford.  This is such a sad heart breaking movie, but I totally get Barbara's character, Katie.  I love how Katie just is.  Her character is not afraid to say and live how she pleases.  Then I watched a clip of "Sex in the City" were Carrie's character stated that there are Katie girls and simple girls.  I started laughing because there are Katie girls and then the other perfect, gleamed women, that I have to say are sometimes boring.  I am so glad that God created me to be a bit of a Katie girl. I believe Katie girls scare men, the men who dare to take a chance with a Katie girl have some big huevos.  So, for those men who were not afraid to tread my way, and that is including my ex husband, Thank You!!  Thank you, for taking that step and not being afraid of this Katie girl!!

The Way We Were, "Your girl is lovely Hubbel."

 

 

 

 

One never knows!

This past week has been an array of driving, eating, hiking and definitely resting.  Last Thursday, my son and my best friend drove up to Boulder, CO.  There is a tea house I have been wanting to go to for a while now.  So, we did.  The place is called, http://www.boulderteahouse.com/ which is just such a quaint place.  The Mexican coffee with chocolate was so good, and over ice, amazing!!  My friend, G, had a mojito, and let's say it was so refreshing.  My son had a berry tea, he just drank it, my son the connoisseur.  Anyways . . .  we also ordered a chocolate cake to share.  I am trying to watch my girly figure, yeah, right!  The cake was good, but it had cayenne in it and you could feel the burn in the back of your throat.  It was served with avocado ice cream, interesting combo.

After leaving the tea house, we decided to drive out to Estes Park.  We visited the Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was my first time visiting this magnificent place.  God is so good to us.  What splendor!!  It is so beautiful!!  The park ranger saw my handicap tag and asked who had the disability, of course, my girlfriend and I pointed to me.  The ranger proceeded to give me a lifetime pass and tag.  I could go to any national park and not pay the entrance fee.  Talk about being blessed.  I almost started crying.  Truly a wonderful blessing!!  So, needless to say this cheeky is visiting more national parks.  Overjoyed!!

We drove through the park and then took a hike around the lake.  It was just a beautiful day and I could not believe I had never visited before.  I have been in Colorado for 15 years now and I am just getting to know this phenomenal state.  I am finding more places to hike.  I am so grateful to live in this state.  I cannot believe it sometimes.  A dream of mine as a teenage girl, comes to fruition.  Now, for that dream man, the God fearing, rugged, kind, smart, cute man who adores me; which will complete my dream.  ha ha   You know, one never knows!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Onward with more adventures! 







 





Not the Same

I found the following photo that was taken over two years ago.  I remember when this shot was taken, I was looking out my window from my house and watching the dogs run in the yard.  It was a serene moment and I loved how at peace I felt, even with the chaos that my ex was putting us through.  This is not the same woman, my face has changed a little.  After I had had my surgery, I remember looking in the mirror and crying, first, my face was so bruised and swollen.  Second, I told the nurse that I would not have chosen the eyes that were given to me, I had a little bit of a face lift after my brain surgery.  It is funny now, but at the time I did not look the same, and certainly did not feel the same; as if a small part of me had died.  It has definitely been a process, but God certainly gave me strength to continue.  Sometimes, I wonder why He gave me this life, and then I realize because He gave me gumption!  Yes, a lot has changed in my life.  Good or bad, life is life.  Yes, again, I am not the same physically or in any other way.   I am accepting things in my life that will never be the same and that's okay. . . .

Photo taken August 2012

(Before aneurysms)

 

 

 

 



Phenomenal

Photo taken by my son, Nathaniel



2nd Anniversary

On June 13, 2013 I suffered a brain aneurysm.  As a matter of fact I had two aneurysms, but one was leaking and killing me slowly.  I do not recall feeling any pain while I was coming in an out of consciousness, but I do remember saying some interesting things.  I remember only seeing white when I was out of consciousness and remember bright colors when I came out of surgery.  My son and friends told me that I was a frightful sight, so what is new?!  The thing is this entry is not about how I am here today sharing a story.  I am here today to share how very blessed I am.  How fragile life can be and in an instant a life can vanish.  I am always amazed on the people that inspire me, the survivors of their hardships.  These burdens could be physical, emotional, mental or even spiritual.  But we all have our crosses to carry.  Being a "Believer of Jesus" does not guarantee me a perfect life. Many of us carry the scars of living and continue on this journey of life.  There is a word, "LIVING.  Are we?!  Everyday, I wake up with a fresh blank page. I just have to pick up the pen and continue writing my story, His story.  I am blessed to know people who continue with their journey with the upmost of grace, and that is something I try to emulate from them.  Sometimes, these people are passing through, but their stories of inspiration are there.  Yes, there are some who show signs of giving up.  Believe me, I know how that feels, but I will not.  In the last two years I have experienced things I would never have tried.  I opened my heart and let someone in, with no fear, and I am thankful for this man who came and went from my life.  I have hiked and climbed small hills, but to me they were mountains, and I did it!!  I will purchasing a bicycle soon, no, I am not going to become a spandex wearing bicyclist, not yet. ha ha   Also, I am being inspired with more ideas for more artwork.  I am reaching out to people who I have admired and want to get to know better.  I am not as afraid of taking the chances that I believe I should have taken a long time ago.  In all frankness, I believe I was dead for a long time, and it almost took death to show me life, again.  It would be nice if I could say, that everything is of the upmost, and it is, with all its faults and disappointments, I am enjoying LIFE!!  Glory be to God for his grace and love, and for the inspirations He allows me to see, everyday!  Thank You, Father, Thank You!!!

 

"I Lived"  One Republic

 

 

 

Different View, different perspective

Well, after a month of dealing with a damp apartment we finally moved into an upstairs apartment.  I like it, but I do miss the coziness of my ground level hobbit hole.  I felt safe and secure.  I am enjoying my new home too.  I get more sunlight and my bedroom is the main source of heat.   AUGH!!  The dogs wake me up at 6:45 a.m. every morning because it is light outside and they have to do their business.  AUGH!!  I hope I am not sounding ungrateful, because I am not.  My new apartment has wood floors, refurbished bathroom and did I mention it has awesome light.  Moving sucked!! It always does.  My son was phenomenal.  He did so much work and I so appreciate him for taking care of business, he is becoming a man.  I was blessed by a friend who hired a moving company and they moved our bigger furniture.  What a fantastic blessing!!  I will definitely use a moving company for my next move.  Hmmmmmm, Boulder?  Evergreen? Broomfield?  Denver?  Not sure yet.  Need to take my drives and check the areas.  Though, for now I will enjoy the breeze coming through the windows.  I am listening to the birds sing right outside my window as I am typing.  My view has changed, I was able to watch people walk by and cars drive by. Now, I have the view of the garage roof, trees and birds chirping.  I think I can do without the garage roof.  Another chapter, not major, but significant.  Now, to change my attitude a little bit and start creating a home again.

My old familiar hobbit hole window.

I am enjoying this view too.  I hope the birds get

closer to the branches brushing the screen.  Some of these

birds do get close enough, they are intrigued by the music

playing, at times they tilt their heads to listen. 

So much JOY in my heart right now!!