I have done nothing today. Mostly lounged around like some queen of Sheba. I did trim my hair, which is a bad thing to do, cut my hair. Though, I must say I don't do too bad of a job. Why pay someone my hard earned cash and end up with a hack job. I will get a decent cut when my hair starts to look like troll hair, wild and unruly. Yeah, that is the way it goes. It is a pleasant day today. It is raining, but ever so lightly. I just re read a very passionate e mail I sent to someone several days ago. I said everything I wanted to say, but was never given the chance. This person talked immensely, and I never could get a word in edgewise. Almost like my ex husband. Did I mention that my ex husband passed away? Yes, he died on July 16, 2015. It has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride that never ends. My son, Nathaniel went into shock when I told him. I had to take him to the ER. Lately, I have been in constant auto pilot. I keep wondering if it is a dream or did the man I had known for 30 years and married for 27 really die? My son and I just saw him about a month in a half ago. My son, Nathaniel nearly jumped out of a moving vehicle to see his father. I saw Nathaniel run to his dad and they just hugged each other. I parked my van and walked over to my ex. We hugged each so tightly and he was crying. I knew he was under a lot of stress and did not look well. I just didn't know it would be the last time I would see him. My ex struggled with addiction. I know he is with the Lord, I have no doubt. I remember walking with a friend that evening after I found out the news. I was in shock myself. I remember telling my friend if I would still be considered a divorced woman or a widow. My friend, David, told me I could be anything I wanted to be. I told him I just wanted to be me.
We had Cal cremated, half of Cal's ashes were shipped to Pennsylvania. Nathaniel and I are making preparations for a memorial in Colorado. I do not want to sound callous, but I personally would have just scattered my ex's ashes around Colorado. It would have been our private moment, but I know my son needs closure, maybe I do too.
I am so glad that Cal has seen the face of God, and will be with him for eternity. Cal is now with the great men and women who served God. He is also with my son, Sergio. They were close. Sergio, was more like me and Nathaniel is more like Cal. I know one day Nathaniel and I will see Cal, Sergio, my mother, Cal Sr., Marylou, Tom and many others. We will have such a fantastic family reunion. But, for now I want to be an example for my son and keep breathing and continue to LIVE.
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