Every year the Old North End which is located near downtown Colorado Springs, has a massive yard sale. And, this year was not a disappointment! Actually, this was only my second time attending this massive barrage of STUFF. Now, the Old North End is the older part of the Springs with its massive houses, which was the hub of aristocrats back in the day. The grand homes with so much history and apparently, so much STUFF. My best friend, Ginger, my son, and his friend all got together and we walked up and down the neighborhoods looking for lost treasure we needed.
My son found himself some fantastic finds. He also showed himself as a haggler of sorts, he is definitely good at bringing down the price on STUFF, it must be his boyish looks. We scored big!! I did purchase a fly fishing rod for almost nothing, the young man who sold me the his equipment never used it!! Now, I need to take it to the Fly Fishing shop and purchase a reel. Also, I purchased some liqueur glasses and a small flat screen television, that works! I believe I spent about $25.00 for everything I purchased. I know, I know, I don't need more STUFF, but I didn't buy STUFF. I purchased dreams!
Anyways, if you are ever visiting the Springs, keep a look out for the massive Old North End yard sales. It is so worth the day walking through beautiful neighborhoods and searching for the right STUFF!
Today would have been my 31st Wedding Anniversary. I was a little melancholy, but, it is what it is. I went out today and ran some errands. It was good to continue living my life and going about my business.
No, there was not a celebration, but just more tears for what could have been. I will be okay, I just needed a moment. It will be all good, it always is.
Changes are inevitable. Relationships, with friends seem to run their course. A mutual course, but it is still painful. Work has been a little stressful, not so much the ER, but the new program that was installed. It sucks!! It is not very user friendly and it takes its user through so many rabbit holes. What a mess. Other than that I still enjoy the job. My living situation is still going. Unfortunately, I may have to sign another year lease and paying 100.00 more on rent. It is insane, but I have not found any other place that would be under what I am paying, so I am staying. HA! It will be tight, but I am trusting in God's timing on what to do. I have been considering buying a house again, but I do not know if I want to stay in the Springs. I have written in the past that I feel it is time to go, and maybe that is why I am giving myself another year to become proficient in this Epic joke, but there are other hospitals that I may try to get into. God will direct me, but it is not time yet. I may end up buying a house and dealing with the bullshit of maintenance, but it would be cheaper than rent. I don't know.
My son, has been diagnosed with seizures/epilepsy. It just tore at me. We are still running test with his eyes too, he had lost his sight on his right eye momentarily last year. The neurologist suspected a stroke, I was floored. But, thank God that was not the case. We are trying to change our lives as to not to overstress ourselves. It can be a little hard because my son is always going. So, I just let him be. God has his hand on him, and my son does rest when he has to. He does monitor himself. Our Father has him, and I trust that with everything I am.
School is calling back to me. I do not have many classes to finish to get my Associates. Wow. I do not know if I want to continue with school after that. We will see. I thought maybe getting into Art Therapy, but I just do not have that motivation right now. I am always tired. I've been checked and I may have some depression. You think?! With all the crap that my son and I have gone through, it finally has caught up with me. It sucks trying being stoic when everything around you is falling apart. Conversations with the Lord are my treasured moments. I will give Him the glory for sustaining me. I love Him with every fiber of my being, I love His hand that envelopes me. Life can be trying at time, and in all frankness, I know I would be in deeper merde if I did not have the Lord in my life.
Now, back to my current relationships. I will tell you now, I am a very basic person. I do not care for all the new fangle dangle crap that is out there. I still have a land line and drive an old mini van, which I love. It gets me to where I need to go. I don't wear the latest designs or have jewelry to flaunt. I dislike it when people want to change me and want to dress me like an over aged 20 year old. I know how old I am and I like to be a little more conservative with myself, even when I was young I didn't need to flaunt myself. I am comfortable with who I am, and I like who I am. So, FUCK OFF!!! If someone is that vain and shallow, please step aside and get out of my way. I don't have time for that kind of foolishness. Give me a decent hiking trail, loving and kind friends, a night out of music and dancing and I am good!!
Life is complicated enough. I live to serve the Lord, though I have been laxed on that too. I will not seek out those who do not believe in uplifting each other, but putting people down. PLEASE!! Your insecurities and low self esteem is showing. I am pulling away from toxic people too. Yes, I know they are everywhere, but I do not have to add to the poison. I know how to walk away. I have done that before, and I know others may have done that to me too, and with good reason.
So, now that I have vented and shared my pain, frustrations, joys and my own insecurities about the future. I hope that those who are in Christ will pray for God's guidance upon my family and me. I ask for direction, knowledge, stronger relationship with Him and above all to live according to His will. Again, changes will occur, whether on my or someone else's accord, and as long as God's hand is setting the road before me.
This past Monday was my ex husband's birthday. He would have been 59 years old. It has certainly been a journey for my son and myself. We still talk about my ex, Cal, and remember him fondly. I know it sounds weird, but, with all the mess we went through. He was a good man before the manusha of life got too real for him, it can get too real for all of us.
Anyways . . . .
My son had made a couple of CDs with music that my ex loved and played these CDs at Cal's memorial. There were a lot of great songs, but Cal loved the band KISS. He had seen them a couple of times in Philadelphia where he grew up. The song that my son had added on the CD was "Beth." I love that song and I could still see my ex sitting back relaxing have a glass of tea. You thought I was going to say, "a beer." HA Yeah, he sometimes would have a beer too. I do miss Cal. I miss our talks, smoking Hookah, drinking gin and tonics, sitting by the fire pit and enjoying the evening in our backyard at our 100 year old home. He was truly one of my best friends.
It is hard not to forget what my family and I were put through by Cal. He was drowning in his darkness, and there was nothing I could do. I believe that God took mercy on Cal and took him home. I know the desperate love that Cal had for the Lord, and I know now, Cal is who he should have been from the beginning of time.
Happy Birthday, Cal. I am sure it was a great one for you. God always gives His best to his children.
Well, it has been quite a while since I have written on my blog. Believe me, I have so much in my head to write about, I just don't give myself that luxury to write anymore. This blog has always been entries about family, love and my ever quest of aligning my life to some normalcy. Though, my family and the idea of love will always be there, I realized a long time ago that there is no normalcy, anywhere. No matter how hard I try, its just not a possibility. So, with that being said. If you have read my posts I usually try to stay out of the realm of politics and religion. No, Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship. Let me be clear about that.
Anyways . . . . .
I am currently in a conundrum of sorts. I live in a cute 2 bedroom, 1 bath apartment, which I have lived in for over three years. It has been my home and sanctuary. Yes, one bathroom, it works. So, with that being shared. I have been cautiously open about the situation with the state of Colorado making pot legal. Please, understand, I understand the necessity to escape the realities of life and the medicinal attributes of this weed. But, I for the life of me cannot find it necessary to alienate those of us who choose not to participate in the fogging of the brain. Personally, I would like to keep my brain intact, it has been put through a lot.
Well, let's get back to why I am writing this entry in reference to pot. The apartment complex I live in allows people to smoke the now legal substance in their apartments. Now, these apartments I live in were built back in the 1950's and have thin walls and shared vents. Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, my upstairs apartment has become the equivalent of Jeff Spicoli's van, some of you might know who I am speaking of. The smoke is unbelievable. My clothes smell, my apartment is smoked filled, my son suffers from migraines and my dogs become agitated. Really?! The sad thing is that the management is not very supportive with my complaints. They feel that I am making a big deal of the pot smoke, but in all frankness I really don't give a shit if someone wants to warp their sense of being because they can. By all means smoke away, I'll be seeing you in the ER. I am not a prude, and I have had the privilege of enjoying this ever intoxicating high of the real good stuff back in the 80s and early 90s. The stuff that people smoke now smells like urine, and believe me working in the ER you can pick up on the urine smell.
I have had four different apartment managers since I've been here, and I have been here for three years now. They all have the same schpeel, "Pot is legal now, so, yes, people can smoke in their apartment." And when I ask then why are people are not allowed to smoke cigarettes in the apartment, because cigarettes are legal too. They have no solid answer, all these managers tell me that cigarette smoke is not allowed, but since pot is legal it is allowed to smoke in the apartments. As long as the pot smoker blows the smoke out the window and has a fan blowing the pot smoke out a window. HUH?! Now, does that sound as stupid to you too?! Yeah, that is what I am dealing with. It is very frustrating, I guess these "managers" are toking on the alternative to cigarettes, because smoke from second hand cigarette smokers can be dangerous. Ummmm, joints give off smoke too, does it not have the same consequences?! It boggles my mind, and I cannot believe that I have the sense to understand that, and I had the brain surgery!! HA!!
Well, needless to say. I do love the apartment I live in and moving can be so stressful. Coming up with the down payment of a deposit and first months rent could be very draining and paying application fees to every person who is renting can be down right ridiculous. I hope it doesn't seem like I am whining, and if it does, well tough shit!! The apartments in Colorado Springs have gone up substantially, and the people who have lived in this magnificent state are struggling too. It is a sad shamed. We have many moving from out of state, not for the beauty of Colorado, but because pot is legal. And these same people don't give a shit about the grandeur of Colorado's natural beauty. These "outsiders," leave their trash everywhere and graffiti is becoming a problem too. When I ask people why they moved to Colorado, many of them are blatant and tell me that they moved here for the pot! Yeah, no hesitation with their answer. It is very unfortunate for many of us, who are trying to make it in this beautiful state and then be bombarded with people who do not appreciate Colorado and demand financial help from the state, and do not work to put into the "pot." Where does all the revenue from sales tax on pot go? I knew that pushing for pot to be legal for those who suffer severe pain and illnesses was just a cover for the real agenda of making it legal for recreational use. Not all Coloradoans want people that do not care about our state. And, shame on the politicians who do not care to live in the urine smell in the air, rising crime and just a grimy feel to the state, because in all realities your propaganda was a sham. Now, about the apartment issue. I am still praying about that situation. I have a week to give the complex manager my 60 day notice. I could use some prayer for a decision and wisdom and realizing that those who should be looking out for the communities interests, are really just blowing smoke up our skirts.
I just finished packing all my Christmas ornaments and decorations. I am not a big fan of packing . . . anything. I find that when packing whether for a trip or holiday decorations it is a temporary beginning and end. It is like that with things of the heart, sometimes one has to unpack the hurt to go on with life. One has to get back to the process of life, like working, eating, sleeping, etc. I lost a friend this past week. Again, my heart was given freely and it didn't kill me, just hurts, but even that will pass. I am grateful for being able to care again, and I believe I am wiser for the ware. I will miss you, Mr. Scott. I hope that you will be happy. I saw you clearly and you are a good man, but you are packing so much hurt, and I believe it is time to unpack your pain. I will always care about you. Blessings on your journey. Now, I will continue my journey; though I cannot see too far ahead, but I know that blessings and adventure are waiting for me. I have faith in my Lord, Jesus, who gives goodness in abundance; and that folks is a great trip to pack for.
Today I went on a road trip to Canyon City with my friend, Ginger and my son, Nathaniel. It turned out to be a great day trip we all needed. I was going through some personal soul searching, so what is freakin new?! Ginger and I were able to have a ongoing discussion about our friendship, family, love and current events. I must say our conversation lasted throughout our entire drive. We can just be ourselves. We enjoyed the beauty of the day. As much as I love to drive, my van needs some work, so Ginger drove her car. It is refreshing to be a passenger on these day trips. Hopefully, by the Spring my van will have all the repairs it needs done so that we can take the day trips we are planning. I want to continue seeing all that this beautiful state has to offer!
Yikes, it has been several months since my last post. I have been a busy girl! A lot has been going on in my life. I enjoyed my holidays immensely! A new year is upon us and I am just writing on this 5th day of January 2017!! I am still working in the E.R.. I am still getting things together in my life, a continuous process. I am keeping this entry short, you'd think with all the goings on in my life these last several months I would be blabber mouthing all over the place. Maybe, all I need to do is share my last months with you in photos.
I will be signing off for the night, but before I do. I want to wish everyone a HAPPY NEW YEAR!! I believe we need God's grace and mercy for 2017.
It is the first day of Autumn. How could I think I could not share how this time of year makes me feel. It is a refreshing time of discovery and life. I had signed out of my blog, thinking that I could just close my blog. There is so much I want to share, whether, it is important to you or not. Who cares. It is important to me.
So much has happened since I felt I needed to ditch this blog. A lot of interesting and not so interesting things, but I will share. I started dating again. I met a gentleman. He is kind, but we are in the beginning stages of dating. He is kind and smart, and very cute. When we get together we have fun and I do enjoy his company.
I will have some medical things taken care of, I will post more details on that in the near future. I believe that I am slowly coming out of my grieving for my ex. And for those who feel that I should just let it go, well, no. It is a process and I do feel better. I am healing, and I hope I never forget that there was someone who impacted my life. Good or bad, Cal was once my husband. But, most importantly, he is my brother in Christ.
Well, I am living my life the best I can. I attended my first Rockies game yesterday in Denver. My date drove me through the city of Denver. He took me to places I have never seen and it was great! So much change in that city. I enjoyed myself immensely at the Rockies game, and they played the Cardinal, and the Rockies won!
Well, I will sign off for now. I hope you enjoy your first day of Fall, I know I am.
It is the first of September. I love this time of year. The air is becoming cooler and I feel so charged, as if I can accomplish anything. I do not care for the Summer, I do not believe I ever did, except when I was a kid and I did enjoy the long Summer days and nights.
I am still working in the ER. I so enjoy the job, but I did apply for another position at the hospital, I haven't heard anything yet. God knows what is best, and if this job I applied for is not for me, well that is okay.
My, son, Nathaniel and I took a friend and her daughters to The Broadmoor today, she had never been. I believe the walk around the lake did me some good. I love going to The Broadmoor, the architect alone is such perfection. Later, my son and I decided to have dinner, so we went to the grocery store; purchased a cheap bag of chips. Then we went to 7-11 and purchased a Big Gulp with two straws and then picked up a sandwich. Nathaniel wanted to eat at the Garden of the gods, so we drove out and spent some much needed family time. It was a rather lovely evening to catch up on things in our lives.
As Nathaniel and I were driving away, he shared his dreams with me. He would like to be a photographer, but a counselor he had a year ago laughed at this idea and told him it would never happen. You know, that really pissed me off, because my son has a great eye and takes some phenomenal photos. I told him that he should not believe this bitches remarks. It always amazes me that a person could have great support from family and friends, but it only takes one bitter person to ruin it. I reminded my son that he should never listen to people whose hearts are crusted with bitterness, regret and fear. I told him that he should never give up on his dreams. I asked my son if he has seen me ever give up on my dreams, and he said, "no."
There will be hurdles my son will have to jump, but I know he will be okay. I pray that Jesus will always have his back. He tries so hard. I am very proud of my son, and I believe that one day his dreams will come true.
And to the crusty hearts that unfortunately my son has met, and will continue to meet along his journey. Fuck You!!!
