Needs and Autumn

I gave my son the news about the upstairs apt this morning.  He was asking that we should go into the office and offer to replace the toilet ourselves.  You know, I do not want to pay $185.00 more on rent and buy a toilet for a house that I have to fix or update.  I felt a little relieved and told my son that not being able to move upstairs was the issue, but the deceitfulness of the management company.  I should have read the reviews on their website, their deceit is a common practice, now I know.  So, I will need to finish the remainder of my lease, but I will start looking again.  God will provide.  I am hurt and at my age I am trying not to be so cynical, but maybe a little cynicism is needed.  Not all who smile and pretend to care do, I tell my son that all the time.  Maybe, I have to remind myself of that.  You would think that a woman my age would know that, and I do, but I do give people a chance.  Once I am screwed over I do not hesitate my treatment on them.  I am cordial, but never trusting again. We are NOT perfect, but I grew up and raised my sons to honor their word, it shows a man's or woman's character when their word is honored.  Good to get that off my chest.

Anyway .  .  .  .

I believe the Lord is giving us what we need, instead of what we want.  I trust God and follow His lead as the head of my home. 

It is Halloween today.  I cannot say it is my favorite holiday, but it is in the middle of my favorite season, Autumn.  I did not buy candy for tonight.  I do not know if children will be coming by for treats.  I am not in a festive mood for Halloween, but I did decorate for Autumn.  My little apartment looks so homey and warm.  I did get rid of a lot of Autumn decorations before we moved into this apartment, it was time to scale down.  I am glad I did and didn't, but decisions need to be made when scaling down.  My home would be so decked out with Autumn leaves, pumpkins and my turkeys.  Unfortunately, I had two broken turkeys, it was a little upsetting and they could not be glued.  It seems that gluing broken things is not what I want, I told my son that I have had so much brokenness in my life, I did not feel that gluing these turkeys would help.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am extremely joyful, but I am choosing not to hang unto things that cannot be fixed.  Especially, when so many of us are so broken and do not want healing.  I want my son to grasp the beauty of life and the blessings.  Yes, the world is unraveling in such a rapid pace, but we have to choose to be joyful, not blind, but finding joy in God's arms. 

Well, I will sign off for now.  Two entries in one day.  I guess I needed to express my disappointment,  but I need to accept these small blessings and enjoy the smallest needs are better than our large wants.

"Midnight Crow" Acrylic on canvas, artist Li lia



Troll Hole

Wow!!  These months just flew by and I am still trudging along.  HA!  I am doing well.  Moved into my new little troll hole, and love it.  It took some time getting used to living in a house that was converted into two apartments.  I have a little back yard and I am cleaning up and landscaping little by little.  My neighbors upstairs keep to themselves.  I work with the male tenant who lives upstairs in the ER, he was the one who told me about this apartment. Apparently, he hesitated to tell me that his girlfriend and him are chain smokers.  Anyway .  .  .  .

 I will admit that I struggled with this apartment at first, it was a TROLL hole, I cried a lot.  My son kept encouraging me that I could make it into a home, then I remembered my first apartment in New Jersey, it was a makeshift building, with no insulation and it was right above the bay water.  I remembered I cleaned that place and made it our home, at least for about a week, because the neighbors upstairs had a fire which destroyed the building.  Ah, memories.  But I have to admit I struggled a little when I moved into this troll hole, which I lovingly call it, but it is sufficient for our needs.  We are basically settled and I do feel safe here.

My neighbors upstairs are possibly signing on a house, and their apt will be opened.  I spoke with the management company and asked them if we could have it, but if they could keep the rent the same.  They told us they would get back with us, first they needed to speak with the owner of the house.  I have to admit I do love my underground home, but the upstairs apartment has a fireplace, a tub and washer and dryer.  My downstairs has a stand up shower, no washer and dryer, so I go to the Laundromat, and the fireplace is not functional, it was sealed up. I am not complaining, but if they can keep the rent to what the upstairs tenants are paying, I would definitely consider taking it.

AUGH!!  Possibly another move, only I believe it would be easier because we would be moving upstairs.  We will see, and I promise to keep you posted.  I believe I took photos of this apartment before I swooped the hand of god though this place.  I will be honest, I cried a lot because I could not believe what it dump it was, but now it looks like a home, a warm home.  I still need to buy a love seat, I threw out the old one I had, it was time.

I had to find a home for my Maggie, it was a hard decision, but I had to do it.  She would cry for hours when we are gone, and the male tenant who lives upstairs works overnights in the ER, so he needs his sleep. I should have kept her.  A friend, of my son took her, and she is doing so well.  There are four people in that house and she has someone with her at all times. Unfortunately, she has gained 13 lbs, so I spoke with the new owner and told her not to give her too many snacks.  She promised to talk to her family.  I told the new owner that the vet felt she was healthy, but needed to lose weight, don't we all, because Maggie will start having back problems.  I have to share though, that when I took Maggie to the vet, she would not look at me.  She just was not the same with me.  I miss her and I understand that maybe she is angry and hurt, she was with us for 13 years, it broke my heart.  But, she truly is happy with the new owner and home.  She is more spoiled there than with me, if that is possible.  HA!  Well, I guess I will sign off for now.  I believe I shared enough to let you know that I am well and God is good.  I am grateful for His love for us, especially, on His taking care of my family and me.  I am grateful for God's provision.

My Maggie.  I love you and miss you.

  God take care of her.

 

 



Windows

As I am typing this entry in my blog, I am sitting in my favorite spot in my current apartment, the window.  I have the shades wide opened and a breeze is blowing in, it refreshes my spirit.  I will miss my windows, that is what drew me to these apartments to begin with.  I love the light and air, especially the surrounding trees that would sway back and forth from the gentle wind.  Sometimes, if I needed to escape the misery of the world I would have a cup or glass of something and I would look out the windows, everything from my perspective looked peaceful, as it should be.  My window view was a source of comfort.  Unfortunately, these last few months I have stayed in a lot, and my apartment windows helped with my healing.  I would look out my windows to the world and I would start to plan what I would do once my strength would increase, and now that I feel 85% stronger, I am looking forward to some adventures, I can plan behind a screen and glass pane.  My new apartment will give me a different view of the world, mostly from the ground up.  I just hope that my new view will inspire me to have a new perspective and plan.  I am very much looking forward to these new old windows, they will have a lot to show me.

 

 

Hallway Hutch

It is a beautiful day today.  I have all my windows open, the dogs have been taken out and fed and I have dirty dishes soaking in the sink.  There are boxes all over my apartment and yesterday a friend made arrangements for movers to come on the 10th of June to take my furniture to my new place.  It seems like things are falling into place, and the best thing about this move is that I do not feel anxious.  I know the Lord is orchestrating the whole process, and I am so grateful for that.  Don't get me wrong I have had some moments of what ifs, but then I am in total peace and continue on forward.  I just sold my beautiful hallway hutch that was given to me a couple of years ago.  A friend of ours had this this hallway hutch in her home and she did not want it anymore.  So, I told her if she ever got rid of this gorgeous piece of furniture, I would take it from her.  Well, she gave it to me and I so loved it!  Unfortunately, it is a little too tall for my new apartment.  So, my son placed ads in several venues and a very sweet woman purchased my hutch.  She stated that she had been looking for a hallway hutch like mine for years, so her husband came by and purchased it from us, at full price.  She later messaged my son's account to let us know that she loved the hutch and thanked us.  It made me feel better that someone loves this piece of furniture as much as I do.  I know it is an adamant object, but it was something I appreciated and used, and it made my bedroom feel so elegant, it really was a beautiful piece of furniture. 



Grieving Colorado

It has been awhile since I've last written.  It is not that I had nothing to write about, but life does keep one busy.  Not that I am busy all the time, but priorities can become misplaced.  In other words I have been too exhausted to write or maybe too lazy.  But, I am still working at the hospital, I am getting ready to go back to school and I found another place to live.  I have shared in the past on the issues with my apartment complex and continued increases in rent, which will be going up another 65.00 a month.  So, my son and I have been packing for the last month, I cannot believe how much we have, mostly my stuff.  It is a lot of things I use and the things I do not use I have been donating or throwing away.  I decided to stay in the Springs for another year, the place I am renting is a little smaller and a lot less on rent, but it will help me save a little.  The cost of living is becoming ridiculous in the Springs!  People are having to work two to three jobs just to stay above water.  The Springs is being overtaken by people from "progressive" states, and they are rude, selfish, arrogant and they are not wanted in Colorado.  My  beautiful state is becoming Colofornia.   Even though I am not a native of this state, I have been here 18 years and assimilated to the lifestyle of Colorado.  But those coming from other states leave their crap that they help create in their state, then move to other states because they like the lifestyle, then they bring the same mindset from the states they are fleeing from and they vote and want the crap they left.  Why don't just stay where you came from if you miss you crap so much!  It is just pathetic and unfortunately many Coloradoans are moving to states like Wyoming or Montana.  I cannot blame them.  How sad that Colorado will be destroyed in a matter of years, it is already starting with the garbage and politics, or is it one of the same.  I don't think I want to buy a home right now, but I hope I can save enough money to leave the Springs. But for now I will be moving into a two bedroom one bath basement apartment.  It is an older home, but I have the backyard for my dogs and no pot smokers!!  To think that many people are moving to Colorado for the pot, how pathetic!  Anyway, even Governor Hickenlooper stated that he did not want to pass the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, Yeah Right!!  Now, that he has lined his pockets with pot money he regrets it.  He could have vetoed the legalization of pot, maybe he is seeing the demise of our state with the garbage, homelessness, broken families and crimes increasing in Colorado.  Unfortunately, more lethal drugs have increased too.  I hope all these pathetic politicians sleep well at night.  WOW!!  If I sound disgusted and angry about sharing the truths of what a legalized drug can do to a state, I am telling you, it can destroy it!  Even the Coloradoans who voted for the legalization of pot are regretting it, big time!

Anyway .  .  .  .

Now, I wanted to write about what I have been up to, but I believe that I needed to share how Colorado is changing, and not for the better.  I miss my Colorado, especially the Springs, you are not the same.  You are becoming a giant garbage dump and the people who are moving here are disgusting.  They do not love you, but they are using you because they can afford to rape your natural beauty and they get away with it.  I will not leave you completely, but I will grieve you, I will live in grief for the slow loss of my beloved Colorado.



Garden of the Gods. Photo by Lilia

 



Thanksgiving

Yesterday was Thanksgiving Day, and I enjoyed it immensely!  I had three friends come over for dinner and we enjoyed our meal until our bellies were so full.  We talked and laughed about different topics, mind you, these people did not know each other, but they clicked.  I had invited my friend and neighbor Janet, she is a very loving and kind woman, and she has been a blessing in our lives.  I also invited a friend and co worker, Edgar.  He has family in Denver, but he wanted to stay in the Springs, but had no plans for dinner.  I had invited him several weeks ago and he made the green bean casserole, which was awesome!!  I also invited my friend, Jeff.  Now, Jeff and I go back about seven years.  He has modeled for me on several occasions while I was doing some art projects for an art show.  Unfortunately, my son, Nathaniel was not able to have dinner with us.  His work schedule did not allow his spending the holiday with me and my friends.  Though he did have something to eat after work, of course, the stuffing is his favorite.  And, if I may add, I make my stuffing from scratch. So, my Thanksgiving was wonderful!  Thank God for to go containers.

There has been so much going on.  I will be having my knee replaced in the near future.  It is in God's hands, not mine, so there is no sense in worrying.  He has it all in control.  I finally had the work in my van done, though, it still needs a little more work, but that can be taken care of in the near future.  The mechanic that I used was great and helped me prioritize what needed to get done.  So, day trips, here we come!!  It has been almost two years that we could not go far with my car because of issues, and I am not able to buy a new car.  I cannot afford the payments. So, I will drive this van for awhile until I can get my financial situation more settled.

I am signing off for now.  I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving Day, because I did.  God is good!!

 

Nathaniel set up the table for me yesterday, before my guests arrived.  I so appreciate his servants heart.  I love you mijo and thank you for being a decent young man.  Stay humble in  everything you do, and remember to do everything in the service of our Lord.

Cold Morning

It is almost 9:30 a.m..  My son is still asleep and the only sound in my home is the clicking of my laptop key and the low music I have playing in the background.  I went out and had physical therapy, came home, took the dogs out and now I am blogging.  It is a cold morning, the heater just kicked in and now my apartment will be wonderfully toasty.  I have quite a few errands to complete this morning, but I wanted my son to sleep a little longer.  He started a job about a month ago, he works in a very luxurious hotel in town, and he is enjoying it.  My son had been looking for work for awhile now, but because of his seizures he was not offered a job.  I know employers are not supposed to discriminate, but in some way, I don't blame them, but of course they will never say that that was the reason he was not considered for jobs.  His current employer has been gracious and my son is thriving in that environment.  I pray for my son everyday, that he does well and is given favor from his employer.  I will continue to pray for that, he tries so hard, and he is doing well. 

Work for me has been going well.  Never a dull moment in the emergency room, I believe I thrive in the chaos of it all.  I do not have hands on contact with patients, but I do go into their rooms and register them for the ER and do all the insurance paperwork.  I do enjoy my job and I have met a lot of interesting and good people.  Yes, I have also met patients who are just not happy and can you blame them?!  I know that some of the patients are scared of their illness and the uncertainty of what is going on, but it gives me opportunity to pray for them and make them feel comfortable. and safe.  God definitely placed me in the right place.  Thank you, Father.  I am truly grateful!!

A friend messaged me yesterday.  Her son is hurting.  I prayed so hard for him and for my friend.  It is difficult as a parent to see our children hurting, no matter how old they become, in a mother's eye, an adult child is still a mother's baby.  No.  I am not being weird here, but a mother would understand what I am saying.  My friends family was flying in from another state to be with their mom and sibling.  I will not go into details, but if you read this post, please pray for my friend and her son.  Pray for healing and restoration on him and that his burden is placed at the foot of the Lord's throne, and left there. 

Well, I should sign off for now.  I will wake my son up and see what he would like to do.  He works again tonight.  I believe I will make a steak and shrimp dinner, and why not?!

Shadows

What is it about this time of year that has me yearning for some beautiful moments from the past.  Kisses that left me breathless and wanting.  What is it about the shadows from the past that haunt my heart.  Maybe, because I let them.  I was remembering how happy I was that several years ago I fell in love. I enjoyed that feeling, and I am glad that it happened.  It has been awhile, but none the less, it did happened.  The shadows of the past that creep into the deepest part of my soul help me realize that not all is lost.  The shadows of the present help me realize that it is okay to enjoy a man, if only for the moment, then I go on.  Though, I do not want just moments, I want a shadow to be a permanent silhouette and not fade. 

Gordon Lightfoot, "Shadows"

 

 

Body Pains

I woke up this morning feeling my body capable of doing a small walk with the dogs and some stretching.  I took my vitamins and drank my water and out the door I went with the munchkins.  No sooner was I out the door that an old neighbor, who I loved, stopped her car and got out and we had a wonderful visit.  As I was enjoying my conversation with this woman I felt my body starting to hurt.  My knee was stiffening up and my right shoulder was starting to hurt, again.  I hate getting old, but I still took my dogs out for a little walk and enjoyed the crisp morning.  I promised myself that I would start walking again.  I need to do it for me and the girls.  Last year I fell and hurt my back, long story, but it had something to do with another dog, and the owner was a jerk.  Anyways, after six weeks of physical therapy and hot pads, Tylenol and exercises, I was doing better, but I had gotten out of the habit of walking.  Mind you, I was walking over two miles a day and it felt great.  I was getting in great shape and my moods were tremendously great.  Then the fall.  It was last September and I am not completely the same.  I feel tired, sore and old.  So, last night I asked the Lord to give me determination to get back into my walks, hikes, and wanting to bike.  I know I am not young, but feeling stiff and beaten down does not help either.  I live in Colorado, DAMN IT!!  I need to get back into the groove of things and not let life's little incident stop me, honestly, I don't believe it ever really has.  As for my shoulder, well another round of PT and my knee, well I will be having surgery to replace the knee.  Long story on that one, but it was a lifetime of living with a deformed knee.  So, I am excited and a little wigged out because I will have a piece of metal in my knee.  No Bueno.  Well, that is the way it goes, and I hope it will help.  Yep, I am getting old.  Though, I must admit.  I did beat my body as I was living my life, I believe we all do.  Now, I will continue enjoying the rest of this beautiful crisp day, after I complained like an old woman, and get to doing stuff.  I believe I have a skull to paint. 

I still feel young, must be the meds!! HA!!

 

 

 



Frivolous

I usually have Friday's off from work, but I picked up a shift today for a co-worker, who wanted to attend a concert tonight.  I figured I could use the mula, but I am exhausted, I didn't sleep well last night.  As a matter of fact, I have not been able to sleep well for a while.  Insomnia?  You think?  Anyways, there is a lot going on in my head, always. HA!  Though, I am enjoying the morning and just relaxing.  A cup of coffee sounds great about now and a warm bowl of Cream of Wheat with blueberries sounds delish!  My son if off helping one of the families from church clean out their garage, I believe they are planning a Yard Sale.  So, he will be gone for awhile and I will not see him until later tonight.  My dogs are resting and enjoying this windy day.  I love having the windows opened and just letting the outside breeze refresh my apartment.  I still have two large containers waiting for me to start decorating my home for the Fall, as you may all know, Fall, my favorite time of year! 

I can hear the Air Force jets flying over, possibly doing maneuvers.  I need to pray for Puerto Rico, Texas, the country of Mexico and states who are still fighting fires.  Father, please HELP US!!

I try not to bring too much of what is going on in the world into my blog, but I will not shut out the world.  So many people are suffering, makes my problems and issues seem like nothing, and they are.  God is in control.  Always. 

I sometimes feel that I have a frivolous life, and in some ways I do.  Not that I am being irresponsible with my life, but that I have the freedom to enjoy the simplicity of my life, and I do.  But, at this moment it feels frivolous.  Am I grateful?  You bet I am!  Prayer has always been a force that I know the Lord hears and cares what happens to us.  I know some of you may not believe that, and that's okay.  But, that is what helps me with what is going on in the world, the suffering is immense at times it feels like I am drained.  I try not to take people or things for granted, one never knows when it will be taken away. 

So, with a prayer that the Lord will keep my son safe and healthy.  That those who are dealing with issues greater than ourselves, Father I lift them up.  For the patients who will be coming into the ER with fear and anxiety because of a health issue, I lift them up.  Comfort them Father.  Please, Father, use me tonight, that I may show your love and kindness in what sometimes is a bleak moment.  Father, help us all enjoy some frivolousness in our lives and to be THANKFUL everyday.

Just the way I am

 

Selfie taken Mother's Day 2017

 

Another rainy afternoon in Colorado Springs.  I so LOVE the rain, especially when it is a thunder storm.  My son just left to help out at church.  I hope he is not soaked, he walked over and it started storming minutes after he left.  Yes, I worry, I guess I always will.  At least my Neurological PA feels I should not worry, what good will it do.  I guess she has a point, but it keeps me in touch to the realities of life.  I mean right now we are in the midst of North Korea's threat to our country.  I thought the biggest threat to our country are those who live in America and do not stand by her.

 

 Anyways . . . that is for another blog. 

 

Right now I am content, worrying, but content.  Yes, I always write how God has everything under control, and He does.  The Lord has never let me down.  He has been faithful, and has been there when I have needed His help.  He has covered me in Love and given my son favor. I guess I needed to remind myself how I was created.  A splash of whimsy, a dash of sarcasm, a pinch of melancholy, a smidge of kindness and a bushel of strength.  That is just the way I am, and I like it!

 

Sara Bareilles, "Brave"