Changes

I wrote the following almost a year ago.  A lot has changed since I saved this entry.  I have a second chance at everything.  I am enjoying so much without the constant concern if the other person is okay.  I care if someone else is okay or not, just it should not consume me and dictate how I should feel.  Ever!  Well, now that I am maturing in my life's experience; let me just say that I am looking forward to what the future holds for me.  Now, the following is an entry I made a year ago, but did not publish until now.

Change especially after divorce is not so easy and not so hard.  I think the other shoe has fallen.  Listening to friends advice on what I should do now varies, everything from dating to just being alone.  Right now I am going for the latter.  Being alone, especially when a vulnerable heart is on the line is a definite downer.  Mourning a marriage is not as cut and dry as I hoped it would be.  There is a lot of reflection on oneself.  I do not have the regret of the divorce, but more why I didn't do it sooner.  Also, I find that divorce does not have the same stigma it had when I was growing up, but then again what does.  I am enjoying this new found singleness quite comfortably, though I must admit the loneliness can sink right into the pit of ones stomach, but now I have learned to embrace it.  Do I still feel lonely?  Yes, but now I can go on with my life and actually start living for the first time.

 

Ingrid Michaelson, "The Chain"

 

 

 



Intact Skull

Lately I have been noticing people and their heads.  I try to remember how it feels to have an intact skull.  No trauma, no one messing with my brain; just normalcy.  I do believe that I will have some normalcy again.  One day all this drama will be a faint memory; the memory of surgery, stupor, rehab, family issues, life decisions.  There are moments where I cannot fathom why I had to go through this, then it occurs to me that this is what God let pass through his hands.  I remember telling my boys that anything that happens to us whether good or bad has gone through God's hands first.  It is good to know that God has been involved with all the details of the good or bad that comes to our lives, it is comforting.  I don't want to sound like a downer, I am very grateful for my healing.  I just recently had my third and last surgery on September 19th.  There is a relief of not going through anymore surgeries and healing time, though I am recuperating for the next six weeks.  In all honesty I am so much looking forward to returning to work!  Yikes!

Anyways, today was my first Sunday that I was able to attend service.  It was good to see my dear friends and listening to my Pastor's sermon, it was something I needed to hear.  I love my church!  A great group of people.

Well, I feel a little better.  I know my skull is healing as I sit here typing this blog entry. . . . yeah right  : )   It is nice to think about the good that surrounds us.  It helps to remember that the Lord is among us.  It is good to know that I am doing well, and I am looking forward to what God has waiting in the palm of his hands; it will all be good.

 

The gray has got to go . . . ha

 

 

 



In Memory

This posting is in memory for those lost on September 11.  The month of September also took my mother, Juliana in 1982 and my son, Sergio in 2009. 



Hot Air Balloons/Labor Day

Leave it to my son to volunteer and help a friend with their sponsored hot air balloon this past Labor Day Weekend.  Unfortunately, I was not able to help, but my friend considered me part of the Crew.  I was their photographer.  The "Colorado Springs Balloon Festival" is held every year during Labor Day Weekend.  I had attended the balloon glow, once; 13 years in Colorado Springs and I never attended the actual balloon lift offs.  Anyways, being a part of something so fun was worth me getting up at 4:45 am in the morning.  I had park my vehicle quite a distance from the hot air balloon set up, so I moved my car.  Memorial Park was packed with people and I started to have an anxiety attack.  My son, Nathaniel, God bless him, called me and asked me where I was.  He came and escorted me from the parking lot, placed his arm for me to take and lead me to where the crew was working.  After I pulled camera out of my bag I started taking pictures.  It really was a phenomenal experience.  Since I could not help with set up I was one of the balloon chaser, they are the people who drive and follow the balloons.  Once the pilot of the balloon radios to direct where they will be landing, we meet them at their destination and then help with breaking down balloon.  What a rush!

 

 

 

My son, Nate. Great heart!

 

                                                          

 

I call this picture "In-between hot air"

 

Soft landing.

 

I love this photo!

 

This process is called, "burping."

 

Nate placing deflated balloon in large duffle bag.

 

These gentlemen have to sit on

 bag to get all the air out.

 

As we were driving back to Memorial Park,

 this balloon was landing. 

 I believe it flew by two red lights.

 

 

 

 

 

Kicking my leg forward

I am feeling the pressure and pain in my head that usually starts in the evening.  It is not severe that it is a concern, but I do feel pain in my head that is uncomfortable.  I ask the Lord for His hand to be upon my head and throughout my body, but mostly in my head.  The neuro surgeon that had performed both surgeries is an admirable man, his bedside manner is very caring.  I appreciate that the Lord used him to take care of me.  I have one more surgery in the near future, and I pray it will be my last.  I cannot deny that I am a bit anxious, not that I do not trust my surgeon and God's hand guiding the surgeon's hand, but knowing what I have to go through can be very draining.  I am just very tired.  My heart rejoices with hope and the promises God gives his children.  I cling to His promises, not that I am afraid of death because then I would be with the Lord, but I am human and I start thinking the worst case scenario.  I am being a little selfish and I would love to continue living my life with no big issues from my brain or other physical problems because of my surgeries.  I need to be thankful though, the day I was leaving rehabilitation from my first hospitalization there was a young girl who was strapped to a very odd contraption and as I watched her being encourage to kick her legs to try to walk, all I could do was cry for her. This young girl's father was encouraging her to move her leg and kick her leg forward; there was a physical therapist who was sitting behind this girl and he would push her leg out and forward.  I do not know what she went through, but I started praying that God would restore her body.  I still think of her and I pray that she is doing well.  So, for all my whining I am thankful to God for having mercy on me and allowing me to continue with my life and that I can walk, talk, laugh, read, and basically do the things I was able to do before my brain surgery, though I do have limitations for now.  I am encouraged daily by my son, friends and my church.  Yes, I do have pain and it is uncomfortable especially when trying to sleep, but I am thanking the Lord for loving on me and giving those around me who encourage me to not give up because I can kick my leg forward. 

 



Small Packages

Sometimes help comes in the smallest packages.  Today my dear friend Christine came over after church with lunch and her three babies.  She had purchased minestrone soup and had made homemade fudge brownies, which are unabashedly sinfully delicious.  Throughout my whole medical ordeal I have seen first hand the love that has been poured out to me; I have seen Jesus in action.  Christine and her children pulled weeds and mowed my yard, which is a very therapeutic and wonderful past time for me during the Summer and Fall, but since my aneurysm I am limited to what I can do.  To see two young boys pull weeds and Christine mow the lawn, while her daughter pulled the tall weeds that the mower did not cut; it softened my heart immensely!!  I am so grateful for wonderful friends!!  To see these children give their Sunday afternoon to do yard work, WOW what a blessing!!  Thank you, Christine.  Thank you, J (what a sweetheart), C (don't work, don't eat) and A (the princess), what a blessing you are to me!!!  THANK YOU!!!!

 

Maggie is happy . . .

 she can now see where she potty's

 

 

Rain Scent (Sent)

Since my surgery, everything seems more vibrant in my surroundings; colors, sounds and even when watching a movie for what would be the millionth time, it is like I am understanding the story in its entirety for the first time.  My surroundings have been amplified.  My speech therapist did allude to that fact and encouraged me that sometimes it may be just a little too much, but that it will subside to where it will not overwhelm me; the brain is such a delicate and fierce organ.  I wake up every morning thanking the Lord for his ever present mercy on me and my family, even my two precious dogs.  My words could never express how grateful and blessed I am.

I do think about the most silliest things in my life, and what an interesting life it is.  God has been faithful.  He has given me the outs when things were discouraging and dark.  He has shown me to be thankful and joyful in the midst of pain.  There have been times I would think and ask, "What did I do?"  I have felt the separation from God, but only to sense His presence return and not let go of me.  I have cried out and felt His strength when he lifts me up and carries me through the heart break.  He has provided the most amazing people in my life who have given without reservation.  I believe that the Lord will continue to see me through whatever comes my way, and I do pray that my gratefulness and service to Him will never end.  Thank You, Father.  Thank You.



The lessons of Faith

Well, I do not know if anyone is reading this blog, but if you are and check into any entries once in awhile.  I just want to apologize for not writing in the last several months.  A lot has happen especially in the month of June 13, 2013.  I suffered a brain aneurysm.  God is good and I am so grateful for listening to Him speak into my heart to call 911.  I had emergency surgery and the surgeon was able to clip the aneurysm which saved my life.  Thank you, Father for speaking into my heart and thank you Father for the surgeon who you used to save my life.  I am still recuperating with physical and speech therapy.  I have all my functionalities. Praise God!  I have to build my strength because I still have two more clots that need to be taken care of, so I have surgery in the near future.  Am I scared?  Not really scared, just concerned.  The second and third surgery will not be as invasive, but I still pray that the Lord would intervene and remove the clots himself.  It is in His hands, not mine.  Through all this insanity I have been blessed.  I am thankful to my friends who take me to appointments, bring meals, offer to clean my home and it goes on and on.  I love them so much!!!!! I am truly blessed and honored to have such wonderful people in my life.  I truly am blessed!!!!

I have a journey to take in reference to my healing.  I miss my walks and hikes, but I know I will get back to that in the near future.  I miss my drives and just living, even vacuuming my home is a missed blessing; believe it or not.  I know I have the prayers of loved ones and I also have their support.  Father, please bless all those who stepped up and have covered me with their prayers and love. Father, bless the surgeon and his family and all those who are involved in the medical field.  Father, bless the EMT's who asked the right questions on the day of my aneurysm and did not take "no" from me, but insisted in me going to the emergency room.  Father, I especially want to thank you with all my being for loving me and giving me a second chance.  Thank you!!! Thank you!!!  Blessings to all!!!

 

Grateful for God's mercy on me.

 

 

Jesus and the two criminals

This piece of artwork was done for The Perspective art show at my church during Holy week.  This piece was the story of the two criminals that hung on either side of Jesus, which is in the book of Luke 23:39-43.  The story of grace and forgiveness that was given to one of the criminals who asked Jesus to remember him when Jesus entered his kingdom and Jesus reply was "Assuredly, I say to you, today you will be with Me in Paradise."  We all deserve the condemnation of eternal separation from God, but Jesus paid it all for those who ask to be forgiven, He does.  No sin is too great. 

 

Thanks JD for being a sport and modeling for me.

 

 

"Be with me in Paradise"

22 x 30

Ink, pencil and wash

 

 

 

He Is Risen!!!

 

HAPPY EASTER !!!

THE LORD HAS PAID IT ALL!!!

 

First posting for 2013. For Shame!

This is my first posting for 2013, what have I been doing.  Well for starters I started a new job with another ministry.  I hated leaving my job with the ministry I had been with for over nine years, but I needed a full time job.  So, being on my own I had to take care of business, not that I didn't take care of business before, but it was good to bounce off ideas on someone else.  Now, if I screw up, it is my fault.  Anyways, I did say I would share more of what I have been doing.  Well, I have been hiking more, which is slowly becoming an addiction and it has helped with getting back in shape.  I also walk my dogs two miles a day which helps too, but hiking, well that is a natural high.  I am submitting a drawing for our church art show this coming week.  I am pretty psyched about that, but it will help if I start working on the piece instead of doing everything but.  Augh!  I am an artist, it is a process. ha  My son is doing well.  I am very proud of him and I ask the Lord to give him favor for the rest of his days.  My son has a huge heart and he loves serving others.  Though I have found myself in a bit of a slump though, maybe the settlings of my divorce are starting to take its course.  I have been going to a support group for divorced people, and all I have to say is that it has been a tremendous blessing!!!  This is my second time around attending this course and I so much enjoy it. I will be seeing my sister and brother in law.  It is good to have family around, especially since my famly is very small.  Well enough!!  God is good and I am so abundantly blessed!!  So, for this being my first posting for the year 2013; I will be sharing my new adventures and I will try not to stay away for too long.

My son, Nate in one of our morning hikes

Beautiful day at Red Rock Canyon in
 Colorado Springs

                                    

 

 

 

 

 

 

What an amazing day.