Sunday drive

I was restless today.  I wanted to just go anywhere.  My son Nathaniel got up and left for church but didn't let me know he was leaving.  He later stated that he did not want to disturb me, so I didn't go to church either.  I finally got ready and went for a short drive with my son, then I went out and drove up Hwy 83,  I ended up in the town of Castle Rock.  I so wanted to have my favorite Iced Mocha coffee at Dazbog on Colfax and 2nd St, but the coffee shop closed at 5 pm.  So, I just decided to come home.  The drive home was restful and the mountains looked spectacular.  I was glad I took the drive, unfortunately, I did not take any photos.  So, I will be posting a photo from a drive I took several weeks ago. 

Before, I leave I wanted to share that my date on Friday night was wonderful!  The gentleman was kind, intelligent, extremely sexy and handsome and just FUN!  I had not had a date like that in . . . . never.  Not, that I had not had fantastic times on a dates with others, but this man and I talked.  He asked me questions and waited for me to answer, without interruption!  We met for dinner at 6 pm and our date ended at 2:30 am.  I felt very comfortable with him and if nothing else I am glad I went out with him.  We ended up walking around the Broadmoor Hotel after dinner and having coffee at the Broadmoor bar, we closed the bar.  After leaving the Broadmoor we went for a drive, and then our date ended with me driving this gentleman back to his car.  It was just so much of everything nice!



 This photo was taken at a friends house in Black Forest, CO

 

 

 

 

 

2016

Another year is upon us!  I know I am only a month in a half overdue, but I needed to take some time and make some adjustments.  Personal ones.  My Christmas was quiet and a little melancholy.  My son, Nathaniel is grieving his father, as am I, but we are making the best of what God has planned for us.  New Years I spent at work.  Unfortunately, I missed the fireworks on Pikes Peak, which is something I hate to miss.  My Valentine's was spent with the love in my life, my son, Nathaniel.  Again, I had to work, but we spent the morning and early afternoon together.  I made an early dinner and he baked a cake.  I let him do his thing.  I feel my spirit on edge recently, as if a change needs to take place.  I know I am giving myself at least six months to a year to decide if I will continue living in Colorado Springs.  So much is going on with my life, some good and so many uncertainties.  I hate that feeling of not having some stability, but I do not believe that I have ever had that.  My job is going well.  I love my new church.  I am slowly reconnecting with friends that I shut out after my ex died.  I appreciate that they know me enough to leave me alone, and I love that they are there when I do contact them. 

Nathaniel and I went to an outing today up in Denver.  On our way back we talked about his father, and he asked me if I missed him.  I told him I did.  Then he asked me if I think about what he did, and then he went unto say that that didn't matter anymore to him.  I told my son that what happened is done, no sense in reliving that which God has closed the door on.  I also told Nathaniel that it was okay to cry for his dad, because I still did.  I do miss both my ex husband and my son.  I know I always will.  I did not want to start the new year with such a depressing entry, but when a family is torn by trauma and death, it is a process to heal.  And yeah, I am taking that time, and if anyone doesn't care for this process, go FUCK yourselves!!  Alrighty then, that felt good!!

Tomorrow night I have a date with someone I have been corresponding with since last November.  I do feel that I am ready to go out and take a chance on a little romance.  My sister and close friends are happy that I am taking chances with dating again.  So am I.

Now, that I have brought you up to speed with my crazy life.  I hope that as you have read my blog my strongest ally in life has been the Lord.  I know that I would not be able to handle everything that has happened without God's hand in my life.  Great to know that the King/Creator/Savior of the universe cares about you and me.  Yeah, great to know!!

  I so do love to laugh!! 

 

 



Interlude

 

"Interlude"  Shane and Shane

 

 

Mr. Stone

 Mr. Stone, after seeing you and kissing you for what would be the last time.  I wish so much good in your life.  I pray for you, for your safety as you continue in your phenomenal adventures.  I pray for your spirit, mind, heart and soul.  It has been a wonderful pleasure knowing you.  Blessings to you Mr. Stone, and I did fall in love with you, and I am so glad that I could!!

 

David Gates, "Goodbye Girl"

 



All things

It is starting to feel like the Fall.  I love the Colorado colors of Autumn, but I must admit I miss the colors of the East Coast, they were amazing!  I decorated my home with my turkeys, foliage and other knick knacks of the Fall.  It feels so cozy and looks quite lovely.  You'll just have to take my word for now.  I will take photos soon and post a few of them, or maybe not.  Depends on how the pictures come out.  Nathaniel is camping with friends, the house is quiet.  I need that for now, I have not been watching television.  I love listening to music, it soothes my heart and soul.  I was driving home earlier after dropping Nathaniel off his friend's home.  I was thinking about so many people that I have cared for.  The silly crushes and heartbreaks of friends that are no longer in my life.  Right now I feel that my life is taking another shift.  I closed my cell phone account.  I am starting to look for another church.  I will be changing my home phone and am closing some email accounts.  I believe it is time for me to go forward with my life, though I have fallen into a bit of a depression.  I don't want to stay there, but I know I need to grieve.  I believe the loss of Cal has finally hit me.

Yeah, it seems about right.  We were raised by our dad to be stoic in all things.  To be like men and think like men.  The thing is, I am a woman, though I appreciate the firm and no bullshit way I was raised by my father, it comes in handy.  I am still a woman.  I am a beautiful emotional mess, and like I shared with my friend, David, last night.  Any woman who claims to have it together is a fucking liar!  No one, and I mean, no one has it together.  We live in a fallen world, so if you are breathing, well, you are a mess!  And that is okay!  I hate how our society deems any kind of emotion as a sign of weakness, well, screw you!  I have listened to that bull shit all my life, and I am tired of it.  You know, if Jesus, wept, became angry, ate, laughed, healed many, slept, felt betrayal, then, why am I supposed to be some super human woman!  Not happening!  So, I will grieve, laugh, become angry, eat lots of chocolate and ask for help when I need it.  I will continue to enjoy my job, love my son and friends!  I will think fondly of Cal, and learn to take photos with his cameras.  I will slowly let the hurt subside.  I will enjoy life and pray for those who are suffering, and I will continue to be grateful in all things!

 



Composition

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Lilia

 

                                                              that's all . . . 

 

 

 

 

 



The Piano Guys

A month before Cal passed away, a friend and I had made plans to attend the "Piano Guys" concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, in Morrison, CO.  It was a great concert. It turned out to be a distraction I needed.  The amphitheater is definitely a sight to see and experience.  It was just beautiful!!  I am grateful for my friends and their understanding of what I am going through.  The thing that some people do not get is just because I was divorced from my ex, does not mean that what I had shared with him could be discarded.  I had a history with this man, over half my life.  I do have my good days, mostly good days, and that is including the moments of grief.  It is good to grieve, because it makes me realize how much joy I have in my heart too.  So, with that said, I am adding some great photos from Morrison, CO and the Piano Guys concert.

 

 

 

Happy Campers!

Keep breathing and LIVE

I have done nothing today.  Mostly lounged around like some queen of Sheba.  I did trim my hair, which is a bad thing to do, cut my hair.  Though, I must say I don't do too bad of a job.  Why pay someone my hard earned cash and end up with a hack job.  I will get a decent cut when my hair starts to look like troll hair, wild and unruly.  Yeah, that is the way it goes.  It is a pleasant day today.  It is raining, but ever so lightly.  I just re read a very passionate e mail I sent to someone several days ago.  I said everything I wanted to say, but was never given the chance.  This person talked immensely, and I never could get a word in edgewise.  Almost like my ex husband.  Did I mention that my ex husband passed away?  Yes, he died on July 16, 2015.  It has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride that never ends.  My son, Nathaniel went into shock when I told him.  I had to take him to the ER.  Lately, I have been in constant auto pilot.  I keep wondering if it is a dream or did the man I had known for 30 years and married for 27 really die?  My son and I just saw him about a month and a half ago.  My son, Nathaniel jumped out of a moving vehicle to see his father.  I saw Nathaniel run to his dad and they just hugged each other.  I parked my van and walked over to my ex.  We hugged each so tightly and he was crying.  I knew he was under a lot of stress and did not look well.  I just didn't know it would be the last time I would see him.  My ex struggled with addiction.  I know he is with the Lord, I have no doubt.  I remember walking with a friend that evening after I found out the news.  I was in shock myself.  I remember telling my friend if I would still be considered a divorced woman or a widow.  My friend, David, told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  I told him I just wanted to be me. 

We had Cal cremated, half of  Cal's ashes were shipped to Pennsylvania.  Nathaniel and I are making preparations for a memorial in Colorado.  I do not want to sound callous, but I personally would have just scattered my ex's ashes around Colorado.  It would have been our private moment, but I know my son needs closure, maybe I do too. 

I am so glad that Cal has seen the face of God, and will be with him for eternity.   Cal is now with the great men and women who served God.  He is also with my son, Sergio.  They were close.  Sergio, was more like me and Nathaniel is more like Cal.  I know one day Nathaniel and I will see Cal, Sergio, my mother, Cal Sr., Marylou, Tom and many others.  We will have such a fantastic family reunion.  But, for now I want to be an example for my son and keep breathing and continue to LIVE life.

 

Aaron Zigman, "Prom Night"

 

 

 

 



Reigns

As I am typing this entry, I can hear children playing outside.  I am feeling a gentle breeze blowing through an opened window, and watching the venetian blinds swaying back and forth.  I can feel my little Piglet (Paige) nudge my leg, to either, give her a dog biscuit, or she has to go out.  I am wondering if I should grab something to eat, but I am not hungry.  My son is at church, he is cooking dinner tonight. I am trying to decide if I should go out tonight, and deliver a graduation gift I have had for over a month.  Maybe, I should continue going through the bags of papers that belonged to my ex husband.  Maybe, I should just rest and sleep awhile.  Maybe, I should let the Lord take the reigns.  Father, please take them.

 

Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"

 



Katie Girls

I recently purchased the movie, "The Way We Were," with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford.  This is such a sad heart breaking movie, but I totally get Barbara's character, Katie.  I love how Katie just is.  Her character is not afraid to say and live how she pleases.  Then I watched a clip of "Sex in the City" were Carrie's character stated that there are Katie girls and simple girls.  I started laughing because there are Katie girls and then the other perfect, gleamed women, that I have to say are sometimes boring.  I am so glad that God created me to be a bit of a Katie girl. I believe Katie girls scare men, the men who dare to take a chance with a Katie girl have some big huevos.  So, for those men who were not afraid to tread my way, and that is including my ex husband, Thank You!!  Thank you, for taking that step and not being afraid of this Katie girl!!

The Way We Were, "Your girl is lovely Hubbel."

 

 

 

 

One never knows!

This past week has been an array of driving, eating, hiking and definitely resting.  Last Thursday, my son and my best friend drove up to Boulder, CO.  There is a tea house I have been wanting to go to for a while now.  So, we did.  The place is called, http://www.boulderteahouse.com/ which is just such a quaint place.  The Mexican coffee with chocolate was so good, and over ice, amazing!!  My friend, G, had a mojito, and let's say it was so refreshing.  My son had a berry tea, he just drank it, my son the connoisseur.  Anyways . . .  we also ordered a chocolate cake to share.  I am trying to watch my girly figure, yeah, right!  The cake was good, but it had cayenne in it and you could feel the burn in the back of your throat.  It was served with avocado ice cream, interesting combo.

After leaving the tea house, we decided to drive out to Estes Park.  We visited the Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was my first time visiting this magnificent place.  God is so good to us.  What splendor!!  It is so beautiful!!  The park ranger saw my handicap tag and asked who had the disability, of course, my girlfriend and I pointed to me.  The ranger proceeded to give me a lifetime pass and tag.  I could go to any national park and not pay the entrance fee.  Talk about being blessed.  I almost started crying.  Truly a wonderful blessing!!  So, needless to say this cheeky is visiting more national parks.  Overjoyed!!

We drove through the park and then took a hike around the lake.  It was just a beautiful day and I could not believe I had never visited before.  I have been in Colorado for 15 years now and I am just getting to know this phenomenal state.  I am finding more places to hike.  I am so grateful to live in this state.  I cannot believe it sometimes.  A dream of mine as a teenage girl, comes to fruition.  Now, for that dream man, the God fearing, rugged, kind, smart, cute man who adores me; which will complete my dream.  ha ha   You know, one never knows!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Onward with more adventures!