All things

It is starting to feel like the Fall.  I love the Colorado colors of Autumn, but I must admit I miss the colors of the East Coast, they were amazing!  I decorated my home with my turkeys, foliage and other knick knacks of the Fall.  It feels so cozy and looks quite lovely.  You'll just have to take my word for now.  I will take photos soon and post a few of them, or maybe not.  Depends on how the pictures come out.  Nathaniel is camping with friends, the house is quiet.  I need that for now, I have not been watching television.  I love listening to music, it soothes my heart and soul.  I was driving home earlier after dropping Nathaniel off his friend's home.  I was thinking about so many people that I have cared for.  The silly crushes and heartbreaks of friends that are no longer in my life.  Right now I feel that my life is taking another shift.  I closed my cell phone account.  I am starting to look for another church.  I will be changing my home phone and am closing some email accounts.  I believe it is time for me to go forward with my life, though I have fallen into a bit of a depression.  I don't want to stay there, but I know I need to grieve.  I believe the loss of Cal has finally hit me.

Yeah, it seems about right.  We were raised by our dad to be stoic in all things.  To be like men and think like men.  The thing is, I am a woman, though I appreciate the firm and no bullshit way I was raised by my father, it comes in handy.  I am still a woman.  I am a beautiful emotional mess, and like I shared with my friend, David, last night.  Any woman who claims to have it together is a fucking liar!  No one, and I mean, no one has it together.  We live in a fallen world, so if you are breathing, well, you are a mess!  And that is okay!  I hate how our society deems any kind of emotion as a sign of weakness, well, screw you!  I have listened to that bull shit all my life, and I am tired of it.  You know, if Jesus, wept, became angry, ate, laughed, healed many, slept, felt betrayal, then, why am I supposed to be some super human woman!  Not happening!  So, I will grieve, laugh, become angry, eat lots of chocolate and ask for help when I need it.  I will continue to enjoy my job, love my son and friends!  I will think fondly of Cal, and learn to take photos with his cameras.  I will slowly let the hurt subside.  I will enjoy life and pray for those who are suffering, and I will continue to be grateful in all things!

 



Composition

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Lilia

 

                                                              that's all . . . 

 

 

 

 

 



Six years

I wrote this letter two months after Sergio had passed away.  Those who knew him and our family knew the struggles we had with him.  Mental illness is probably the most difficult thing a family can go through.  Watching our son suffer was torture for him and us.  We felt very much alone and felt like outcasts.  I know Sergio is in perfection with the Lord, and that is where I draw my strength from, God's promises.  I am glad that God entrusted this soul to me, with all the madness we went through, he was so worth the fight.  Because I am his mother, I thank God for those privileged moments when I saw who my son could have been.  Thank you, Father, thank you for those moments. 

It is two months today, November 10, 2009 that our son Sergio died. I still find it hard to believe that our son is gone.  It doesn’t help to notice that the days go by so fast, as if morning and night melt into each other and become one; no light no darkness, no depth. I suppose we are still in a fog, going through the motions of life.  We try to show our youngest son, Nathaniel, that all will be okay. We know that even though Sergio’s physical presence is gone, one day we will see him in eternity with Our Lord.  That is the hope we believe in; it is in God’s word and His promises are not empty.
The Saturday before Sergio died he talked to his father and told him that he was very thankful for everything we did for him, and for the home we had given him. He was adamant about following Jesus and that he would always be a Christian.  He also shared his dreams of settling down with a good woman and having children, and checking with his father if having children would make us grandparents.
Sergio knew the value of freedom for his mind, soul and body; something many of us take for granted.  Sergio shared his heart with people that no one would bother with, most of us would be afraid to.  He left a legacy of mercy, forgiveness and love.  Sergio was a talented artist, athlete and enjoyed rapping.  Words were his soothing balm; in many of the songs he wrote and sang, Sergio shared his love for God, family and the ideals of a life beyond torment and pain. 
There were some wonderful things shared by Sergio’s friends who loved him dearly; things we did not know about our son.  We want to thank you again for your insights.
I thank God for the privilege of being chosen to be Sergio’s mother.  God knew that I needed this child to build character and strength in me, and to learn to rely more on our Heavenly Father than on myself. 
We are very thankful for family and friends who have held us up in prayer and offered whatever they could do to help, just asking was a blessing, and we are grateful.

In Jesus,

Cal, Lilly and Nathaniel

Daughtry, "Home"

 

(Sergio sang this song at a talent show they had at the State Hospital he was in.  According to those who heard him sing, his performance was amazing.  He sang from his heart.  The lyrics say it all)

 

 

 

The Piano Guys

A month before Cal passed away, a friend and I had made plans to attend the "Piano Guys" concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, in Morrison, CO.  It was a great concert. It turned out to be a distraction I needed.  The amphitheater is definitely a sight to see and experience.  It was just beautiful!!  I am grateful for my friends and their understanding of what I am going through.  The thing that some people do not get is just because I was divorced from my ex, does not mean that what I had shared with him could be discarded.  I had a history with this man, over half my life.  I do have my good days, mostly good days, and that is including the moments of grief.  It is good to grieve, because it makes me realize how much joy I have in my heart too.  So, with that said, I am adding some great photos from Morrison, CO and the Piano Guys concert.

 

 

 

Happy Campers!

Cal

On August 13, 2015 we had Cal's memorial.  It turned out so beautiful.  Nathaniel's church took care of everything, and Nathaniel and I felt so safe and calm.  Nathaniel had made a photo journal to play in the service, it was very touching.  As I was watching the video a flood of emotions just overtook me and all the great memories were just too much for me to handle.  I believe as Nathaniel was choosing the photos for the video, it gave him a sense of healing.  It was beautiful.  It was nice to see our friends and people who loved Cal  offer their support to Nathaniel and me.  I am blessed.

Cal, one day we will see each other again, and all the insanity that we went through will be gone forever.  I am glad I met you, Cal, and thank you for being in my life.  We did have an incredible adventure!   Father, thank you, for helping Nathaniel and me through this time of grieving and healing.  Father, we could not be where we are if you were not in our lives.  Thank you!

Cal

March 20,1958 - July 16, 2015

 

 



Keep breathing and LIVE

I have done nothing today.  Mostly lounged around like some queen of Sheba.  I did trim my hair, which is a bad thing to do, cut my hair.  Though, I must say I don't do too bad of a job.  Why pay someone my hard earned cash and end up with a hack job.  I will get a decent cut when my hair starts to look like troll hair, wild and unruly.  Yeah, that is the way it goes.  It is a pleasant day today.  It is raining, but ever so lightly.  I just re read a very passionate e mail I sent to someone several days ago.  I said everything I wanted to say, but was never given the chance.  This person talked immensely, and I never could get a word in edgewise.  Almost like my ex husband.  Did I mention that my ex husband passed away?  Yes, he died on July 16, 2015.  It has been somewhat of a roller coaster ride that never ends.  My son, Nathaniel went into shock when I told him.  I had to take him to the ER.  Lately, I have been in constant auto pilot.  I keep wondering if it is a dream or did the man I had known for 30 years and married for 27 really die?  My son and I just saw him about a month in a half ago.  My son, Nathaniel nearly jumped out of a moving vehicle to see his father.  I saw Nathaniel run to his dad and they just hugged each other.  I parked my van and walked over to my ex.  We hugged each so tightly and he was crying.  I knew he was under a lot of stress and did not look well.  I just didn't know it would be the last time I would see him.  My ex struggled with addiction.  I know he is with the Lord, I have no doubt.  I remember walking with a friend that evening after I found out the news.  I was in shock myself.  I remember telling my friend if I would still be considered a divorced woman or a widow.  My friend, David, told me I could be anything I wanted to be.  I told him I just wanted to be me. 

We had Cal cremated, half of  Cal's ashes were shipped to Pennsylvania.  Nathaniel and I are making preparations for a memorial in Colorado.  I do not want to sound callous, but I personally would have just scattered my ex's ashes around Colorado.  It would have been our private moment, but I know my son needs closure, maybe I do too. 

I am so glad that Cal has seen the face of God, and will be with him for eternity.   Cal is now with the great men and women who served God.  He is also with my son, Sergio.  They were close.  Sergio, was more like me and Nathaniel is more like Cal.  I know one day Nathaniel and I will see Cal, Sergio, my mother, Cal Sr., Marylou, Tom and many others.  We will have such a fantastic family reunion.  But, for now I want to be an example for my son and keep breathing and continue to LIVE.

 

Aaron Zigman, "Prom Night"

 

 

 

 



Reigns

As I am typing this entry, I can hear children playing outside.  I am feeling a gentle breeze blowing through an opened window, and watching the venetian blinds swaying back and forth.  I can feel my little Piglet (Paige) nudge my leg, to either, give her a dog biscuit, or she has to go out.  I am wondering if I should grab something to eat, but I am not hungry.  My son is at church, he is cooking dinner tonight. I am trying to decide if I should go out tonight, and deliver a graduation gift I have had for over a month.  Maybe, I should continue going through the bags of papers that belonged to my ex husband.  Maybe, I should just rest and sleep awhile.  Maybe, I should let the Lord take the reigns.  Father, please take them.

 

Rich Mullins, "Hold Me Jesus"

 



Katie Girls

I recently purchased the movie, "The Way We Were," with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford.  This is such a sad heart breaking movie, but I totally get Barbara's character, Katie.  I love how Katie just is.  Her character is not afraid to say and live how she pleases.  Then I watched a clip of "Sex in the City" were Carrie's character stated that there are Katie girls and simple girls.  I started laughing because there are Katie girls and then the other perfect, gleamed women, that I have to say are sometimes boring.  I am so glad that God created me to be a bit of a Katie girl. I believe Katie girls scare men, the men who dare to take a chance with a Katie girl have some big huevos.  So, for those men who were not afraid to tread my way, and that is including my ex husband, Thank You!!  Thank you, for taking that step and not being afraid of this Katie girl!!

The Way We Were, "Your girl is lovely Hubbel."

 

 

 

 

One never knows!

This past week has been an array of driving, eating, hiking and definitely resting.  Last Thursday, my son and my best friend drove up to Boulder, CO.  There is a tea house I have been wanting to go to for a while now.  So, we did.  The place is called, http://www.boulderteahouse.com/ which is just such a quaint place.  The Mexican coffee with chocolate was so good, and over ice, amazing!!  My friend, G, had a mojito, and let's say it was so refreshing.  My son had a berry tea, he just drank it, my son the connoisseur.  Anyways . . .  we also ordered a chocolate cake to share.  I am trying to watch my girly figure, yeah, right!  The cake was good, but it had cayenne in it and you could feel the burn in the back of your throat.  It was served with avocado ice cream, interesting combo.

After leaving the tea house, we decided to drive out to Estes Park.  We visited the Rocky Mountain National Park.  It was my first time visiting this magnificent place.  God is so good to us.  What splendor!!  It is so beautiful!!  The park ranger saw my handicap tag and asked who had the disability, of course, my girlfriend and I pointed to me.  The ranger proceeded to give me a lifetime pass and tag.  I could go to any national park and not pay the entrance fee.  Talk about being blessed.  I almost started crying.  Truly a wonderful blessing!!  So, needless to say this cheeky is visiting more national parks.  Overjoyed!!

We drove through the park and then took a hike around the lake.  It was just a beautiful day and I could not believe I had never visited before.  I have been in Colorado for 15 years now and I am just getting to know this phenomenal state.  I am finding more places to hike.  I am so grateful to live in this state.  I cannot believe it sometimes.  A dream of mine as a teenage girl, comes to fruition.  Now, for that dream man, the God fearing, rugged, kind, smart, cute man who adores me; which will complete my dream.  ha ha   You know, one never knows!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Onward with more adventures! 







 





Not the Same

I found the following photo that was taken over two years ago.  I remember when this shot was taken, I was looking out my window from my house and watching the dogs run in the yard.  It was a serene moment and I loved how at peace I felt, even with the chaos that my ex was putting us through.  This is not the same woman, my face has changed a little.  After I had had my surgery, I remember looking in the mirror and crying, first, my face was so bruised and swollen.  Second, I told the nurse that I would not have chosen the eyes that were given to me, I had a little bit of a face lift after my brain surgery.  It is funny now, but at the time I did not look the same, and certainly did not feel the same; as if a small part of me had died.  It has definitely been a process, but God certainly gave me strength to continue.  Sometimes, I wonder why He gave me this life, and then I realize because He gave me gumption!  Yes, a lot has changed in my life.  Good or bad, life is life.  Yes, again, I am not the same physically or in any other way.   I am accepting things in my life that will never be the same and that's okay. . . .

Photo taken August 2012

(Before aneurysms)

 

 

 

 



Phenomenal

Photo taken by my son, Nathaniel