Feliz Ano Nuevo!!

A new year has begun.  My post will continue to be sporadic, but I will share how life in going.  As of this moment I am doing well. The Lord has been gracious and merciful.  My son and I moved to a cute apartment and my son and I feel good here.  God is good!!  I am still working in the ER, I know I can hardly believe it.  It will be five years and I still believe that that is where I need to be, at least for a little longer.  The nurses and doctors that I work with are phenomenal, but change is always constant. I miss the people that have gone off to other venues in the medical field or follow another dream.  It always feels like the ER is losing another family member when somebody leaves.  A dear friend of mine has taken to becoming a traveling nurse, her next assignment will take her to New Mexico.  I will have to go visit her in the Land of Enchantment.  So much happening in the world and especially in our country, such uncertainty, but not for God.  He knows what will need to happen and if we read our bible we will have insight too.  It requires accepting Jesus in our heart and believing that he died for us.  Last year one of our ER Techs passed away, she was my age.  She suffered so much in the end, the cancer had ravaged her body, her name was Cindy.  Cindy was known for her catering, art and creativity.  She was also a tough woman who carried a beautiful heart.  She will be missed.

I have been doing well.  I need to see a specialist in the near future for my brain.  I am not sick, but it is for preventative measures.  I am so tired of seeing doctors, but it is what it is.  My friendships are becoming a little sporadic too.  My work schedule is tough with friendships and relationships, which the latter is whatever.  Working in the medical field can take its toll, but I believe it is a calling.  I do not work medically with the patient, but I do have to acquire information from them.  I see so much of everything, and I learn so much.  The patients and doctors are always willing to allow me when I ask to watch certain procedures.  The body is so fascinating. 

I was thinking about a friend that I hurt several years ago.  I wish we could start up our friendship again, but the ball is on his side of the court.  I sometimes believe that he is reading my entries to this blog.  You know Mr. T Sax you can contact me and I am sorry.  I hope you have forgiven me.

Well, I must go.  I hope that you all have a wonderful year.  May God's love, joy, peace and especially Jesus salvation be known to you in such a personal way. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

For Cindy .  .  .  .

"A Dream Goes on Forever"

Todd Rundgren

 

 

 

 



Touching Base

Well, hello, dear readers!  You probably thought I had fallen off the face of the earth, but I was hanging in there and getting some important things sorted out.  I found a new place to live, not far from my work and all I have to say that it has its quirks, but I do love it.  God is good and provided a way for us to move out of the basement apartment we were so unhappy.  Grateful to my Father all the time, knowing I am not deserving.  He is good!

Well, I am still working and making my little place into a home, need to get some little odds and ends, but enjoying hunting for them.  I am getting ready for a Thanksgiving Dinner next week and taking a staycation.  I could use the time off. 

We were living with a friend for the month of September until the current place was being refurbished.  We moved in October and I love my windows and the kitchen is wonderfully large.  I even have a washer and dryer.  God is good!  My job is only minute away and the train runs on the other side of a private field.  So, now, I can say I live in the other side of the train tracks.  HA!

I thought I would write a quick entry to touch base.  My life has taken a little bit of some normalcy, and I pray God keeps it that way for awhile.  I will write very soon.  So much has happened, no, no Mr. Alaska.  HA!  Just the Lord and me, and my small family.  Thank you, Father, for my new home and time to rest in your arms. Thank You!!

Anniversaries

This year is going by as fast as running water draining in the sink.  The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of travel, second chances and anniversaries.  I celebrated 4 years in the ER, I started my job on March 2015.  I would have been married 33 years, I married in May of 1986.  And it has been 6 years since I had two brain aneurysms in the month of June 2013.  And my ex has been dead 4 years now, Cal passed away on July 16, 2015.  The majority of my anniversaries have been blessings and celebrations of life. But, I believe the hardest anniversary was my ex husband's death.  I realized today how much I miss Cal. Yes, it sounds strange with all the pain he caused his family, but, there was some wonderful things about Cal too.  He was truly an adventurous man.  He was very much into nature. Cal loved the ocean a great deal, he was in his element in the water.  He was a fisherman, hiker, mountain climber, he hiked up Guadalupe Peak.  He was involved with the Sierra Club and taught me the basics of camping. Cal and I were avid campers and hikers.  He was also extremely patient with me.  He was a business man and an artist.  He was a professional photographer and created some beautiful ceramic pieces; I still have some of his ceramic pieces. I also kept his cameras in hopes that I will pick up photography soon.  I miss our talks and Cal could talk. I could make Cal laugh, I loved his laughter.  He loved my warped sense of humor, one of the few people who got me.  Cal was extremely intelligent and the man could read something and remember every word of what he read.  Cal's last creative piece was building a hammer dulcimer, he never finished it and I have the dulcimer on display in my son's room.  My son, Nathaniel asked to keep it.  I could not refuse, it was a Father's day gift for Cal.

There are many days that I wish we didn't go through the insanity of my ex's addiction, but we did.  The trauma forced on our family still pains me today.  I guess the healing is never ending, but I know that the forgiveness is there. It will always be there. I prayed today that the Lord would give Cal a kiss on his cheek and a great hug from me.  I asked the Lord to tell Cal that I did love him, and that you were taking care of me and our son, Nathaniel.  I felt such peace and joy for having lived my life with Cal.  We did have some good times and I remember those times with so much joy.  Cal was an imperfect man, like the rest of us, living in an imperfect world, but never the less, loving the Lord with such desperation.  That is the one thing that I will always remember about Cal, his desperate love of God.
 

 

Rich Mullins, "Calling Out Your Name" 

 

 

 

                                                        

Different Drum

 

 

It is officially over.  It has been difficult for me to come to a decision, but not really.  The letter was written and mailed off.   I will miss you, Mr. Alaska.  I do love you very much, but it just cannot be.  We may want the same things, but I do not want to be a bird in a cage.  I am not knocking marriage, but I want a man who does not manipulate my heart. Thank you, Mr. Alaska, for asking me to marry you, for any old reason. 

 

 

"Different Drum" Linda Ronstadt

Happy Birthday, Sergio

Today is my son's, Sergio's birthday.  He would have been 33 years old.  I cannot believe how time flies.  I still remember when we received the news that you were gone, it never leaves my mind, and the heartache never heals completely.  Thank you, Father, for the gift he was to me.  Happy Birthday, Mijo.

Sergio and our dog Shiloh, 1999

 

MerryGoRound

 

Okay, I believe that we have control of our thought process, and I do believe that, very much.  I have always and I mean always lived my life in a very non traditional way.  Though, I have lived it traditionally because that is how a "good" mother and wife lives her life for her family.  But, I did get bored with the way I was expected to behave, I was bored out of my mind.  My son's knew that mom was not like the other moms from their class or church.  Even my ex husband knew that too, I guess that is why he enjoyed hanging with me when we met, and he even chilled with me before and after our divorce.  Yes, we still kicked off our shoes on occasion.  I am not saying I am a party person or anything like that, but I do enjoy people for who they are.  I am cautious at times and also try to be accepting on some things, but not all. I mean really we have to make choices in our lives that will not ruin us.
 

Anyway . . . . .

 



Why, am I writing this entry, again, not to sure.  Though, I wanted to just put truth out there.  Truth that I believe in Jesus and I know I belong to my Father in Heaven, and that I am royalty. I believe that because He tells me that in his word.  Though, I will admit sometimes I do not behave royally.  I behave more like a royal pain.  I have tried to live my life riding this merry go round. I want to follow where I am led by the Lord.   I read a meme a couple of days ago that said something about knowing God's word is not the same and doing God's work.  So, true.  I want to be following the Lord who saved me back in 1991, and I want the Lord to use this eclectic person to do his will. I will be who I am, loving, fun, compassionate, understanding and excessively funny.  Okay, maybe not to excessive.  So, while riding the merry go round of life I will continue to hang unto the Lord tightly, because I know that He will help me to stay the course, after the music and ride from the merry go round stops.

 

 

 



Tennessee

Goodbye Tennessee .  .  .  .  .  My heart has healed from its wound and now it is free to love again.  Though, I did love you, but I knew it was not meant to be.  You are not my match and you will never know your worth, because you believe in the lies of a broken and fallen world.  Good bye Tennessee, I lift you up in prayer that one day you will come to know the Lord, Jesus Christ, our Saviour. 

Tennessee by Hans Zimmer

Merry Christmas

______________________________________

Burl Ives, "Silver and Gold"

 



Love!!

My Hobbit hole is decorated with Christmas.  It looks quite lovely and festive.  I did not go overboard, but simple basics, like a tree.  It feels homey and a little magical.  At least it does to me.  I am off from work for the next several days and I have a busy schedule.  I love this time of year, it is just beautiful.  Even with all the commotion of the world, I take in the magic of the season.  Christmas is a reminder to the world of God coming down in the flesh.  It may go over our heads, but believing in that gives me a hope.  That our living God came down from heaven, became man, died for us, and welcomes us, with all our garbage.  Love!! 

I have to admit that my heart and spirit have become a little more darker.  And, I know why.  I have not given my Lord the time that He wants from me.  I mean, I give him my prayers, which are intimate conservations.  I give Him acknowledgement.  I gave Him my life and heart.  But, one thing where I am lacking is in my time.  I give the Lord that I love very little time.  Not, that I am so busy, but have become a little bitter.  Not angry, but sad.  Sad for the things that I cannot comprehend. God is in control, and I know that.  Though, I tend to be tough on myself, but tougher on others who should be our leaders in the church.  I have to stop!!  Love!!  My grievances are selfish and not fully holy in my Father's eyes.  He knows my heart better that me, I know that for a fact.  With everything that my family and I have gone through, I do not want to neglect the fact that the Lord has carried us through so much.  I am eternally grateful!! 

As I sit hit in my Hobbit hole, which the Lord gave us, and I am content. I want to thank the Creator of the universe with my Love!!  Thanking Him for these quiet moments, away from so much pain.  Thanking my Lord for helping me see my shortcomings, and still Loves me!!  Still .  .  . 

So, with all this said, I am asking my Lord, Jesus, King, for help in restoring my bitter heart and filling it with his Love!!  Thank you, Father, for still looking out for my son and me.  Please, bless our home and lives, envelope it with your Love!!

Thank you.

Love!!

"HEAVEN BREAKS"  Sleeping at Last

 



Birthday

Today is my birthday, and all I can say about it is that it "sucks!"  All my birthdays have sucked.  I have found that when someone else wants to do something for my birthday, it never pans out.  So, I have learned to treat myself on my birthday.  Today I got up, took a shower and left around 10 in the morning.  I ran a lot of errands, then I came home, no one was home, so, I took myself out to my favorite Indian restaurant and had lunch.  The hostess was so kind and gave me a free chai tea, this was after I told her it was my birthday.  My birthday, unfortunately, falls near or on the day of Thanksgiving.  When I was growing up my parents would forget my birthday, then they would realize later that evening or week.  They would feel bad and just wish me a Happy Birthday, no cake, no presents, just a happy birthday.  I was supposed to have a birthday breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Adam's Mountain Café in Manitou Springs, but it was cancelled because one of my friends had a job interview.  My son did not want to go to the restaurant anymore because they did not have his favorite lasagna.  Really??!!  Another friend was meeting a client, and another friend is going through some serious depression, and did not want to go out. We planned this breakfast almost a month ago.  I give up!  It was pretty pathetic.

When I was married, my ex somehow would ruin my birthdays.  Luckily, I would already have my plans in place and celebrate my birthday myself.  My worst birthday was when I turned forty.  I was so excited to have an actual party, unfortunately my ex was not all there and he marred the whole thing.  I had requested to buy a cake from a local bakery who made awesome cakes.  But, he insisted on making my cake.  I remember coming home from work and as I walked up to the screen door I saw my ex throw my birthday cake across the kitchen because it stuck to the pans.  I was so hurt.  I remember telling him I would take care of my own cake, he became angry and told me he would take care of it.  He purchased a cake from our local grocery store.  It was not a good party.

Now, I am at home.  My son called me from work and asked me where I had gone, I told him.  He told me that he wanted to take me out.  I don't want to go out.  I already celebrated my birthday and I am done.

Don't feel sorry for me, I already did that, but, not for long. I purchased myself a pair of lovely earrings, which I am wearing. 

I have always tried to take things in stride, but I no longer wait for anyone to celebrate my birthday's or any other holiday for that matter.  I still decorate for the Fall and Christmas.  I purchase my own chocolates and flowers for Valentine's and I am enjoying the little things life has to offer, because I know what I need and want.  I have stopped depending on anyone else making my life beautiful, God does that for me everyday, and HE treats me like a princess.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

"Fuck I'm Old!"  Sex in the City

 

Addendum

I love this time of year!  I know this has been shared before in my blog, but this time of year mellows me in some ways, and rejuvenates me in others.  I will be celebrating a birthday in two weeks.  How do I feel about that, well, I feel fine.  Being a woman of stature and maturity is becoming. I am really comfortable with my own skin.  I have liked myself for some time now, but now, I love who I am becoming. The passion of life has not escaped me.  Also, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff, well, I did say I am trying. 

Now part of this entry is a continuation of the conundrum of my renting the upstairs apartment, and I am so grateful that I am not.  My son and I did go into the office and speak with the management company and we sorted things out amicably. The decision for higher rent on the upstairs apartment was the owners decision, not the management company.  So much work is being done upstairs, my son and I could understand the motive behind such an increase.  Actually, to be quite frank, I am glad we are staying downstairs.  I feel safer and I am already settled.  Now, to paint and enjoy my little hobbit hole.  Hmmmm from Troll hole to Hobbit hole, all is well, and God is good.  I do feel better when I am able to talk things out, especially when my family is involved. 

Work has been going well.  I am still enjoying my job in the ER, even with all the changes.  It will be four years next March.  I thank the Lord for placing me where my heart can serve those who are hurting.

As I write this blog entry, I feel a sense of peace and gratefulness.  I believe I am coming out of a delayed reaction to all the trauma that I have experienced in the last fifteen years.  I pray that the Lord will protect my son and me through our continuing journey.  We are still healing, everything I went through, my son went through with me.  Please, Father, continue to have mercy on us and continue to bless us in your grace.

It is nice to listen to soft music and type this entry.  My son is with a friend to hang out for awhile and then he was going into work.  Please, Father, keep my son and his friend safe.  Bless their time together. 

Well, I believe I will be signing off.  I will try to write a little more.  My son told him that he enjoys reading my entries.  Well, I am glad because I know writing does help express myself and therapy can be so expensive.

"Forever Autumn" Justin Hayward