1st Year Anniversary

A year ago today, June 13, 2013, I suffered a brain aneurysm. I went through an unbelievable journey, another test of where my heart dwells. I know that my Father in heaven has allowed me to still be here, I do not know what the reason is, but I am grateful! No one can know what the Lord has in store for our lives, but it is good to know that He is there in the midst of all the chaos. The stories that were shared after this ordeal was over were beyond that of the natural world, but a supernatural presence took over and many felt it. My son who bore much of the pressure almost lost his only family he had. I thank the Lord every day for what he brought me through, no one could ever imagine how hard it was for me to fully surrender to the Lord. This independent, strong, opinionated woman had to finally submit to my loving Father's arms. I believe the Lord wanted me to just rest and depend only on Him. He knew I needed to rest and to let Him take the reigns and for me to stop fighting. He knew I needed that very much. I learned to let go, though I am still a little independent, a little strong and still very much opinionated. I am grateful for all those who prayed for me, whose concern was if I would be the same. I do not believe I am the same person. How could someone go through something like that and feel that they are the same. Who would want to be the same? I believe I am slowly being transformed to becoming a new creation. I also believe that this experience has made me stronger and to continue the journey that the Lord has in His plans for me with a joyful outlook. I want to be victorious in the Lord. A year later I am still in awe of His mercy and grace. What does the Lord have in store for me, again I still don't know, but I will continue to share with those who are willing to listen and show them God's amazing love and God's amazing grace. I am especially very grateful for all those who prayed, fed and took care of me. You showed me Jesus!!! I can still see your faces with Christ's love, concern and mercy. I am so very grateful and truly blessed!!!   I will not pretend to know the answers to the questions of life because I understand how it feels to almost leave this world and be with my Father in heaven, though I must admit sometimes I felt a little sad that the Lord didn't want me home, not yet. I remembered a request I had made over 17 years ago; I asked the Lord for adventure in my life. I think I should have been more specific. : ) I am grateful everyday to my Lord, Father, Saviour and King for this second chance, this second shot at life.

 

 

"Life and Death" by Paul Cardall

 

 

 

Mashup

Sometimes you need a little mashup in your life.   

 

The Proclaimers, "Titanium 500"

 

It would have been . . . .

On May 31, 1986 my ex husband and I exchanged vows to love, care, and be there for each other, no matter what.  This past Saturday it would have been 28 years of marriage and I have been separated and divorced for almost 8 years now.  It was a blessing to have gone out with friends in the evening.  It was good to go to the Broadmoor and have an actual drink instead of a 7-Up.  I don't believe one ever stops grieving their broken marriage.  It it good to know that there were some very beautiful times and some not so beautiful times.  There were several songs that my ex would dedicate to me, he would tell me that they would remind him of me.  I love that memory, I will always cherish those memories.  It could have been 28 years of marriage this past Saturday, but now I can listen to the songs my ex would dedicate to me and not fall apart anymore.

 

"Hello" Lionel Richie

 

 

Happy Birthday, Sergio!

Today is my son Sergio’s birthday, he would have been 28 today.   He was a dreamer and he could have been a husband and father.  He could have been an artist, singer or carpenter; he could have been anything he wanted to be.  I miss him.  I miss his smile, his laugh, his insight.  I am ever grateful that the Lord allowed me to have this young man in my life.  He was only 5 years old when he was placed with us for adoption.  It was difficult and sometimes I felt regret that I had taken him into our home, but regret soon became concern for his wellbeing.  Then concern became love, love for a child who had gone through so much hurt in his short little life.  It wasn’t easy raising Sergio, we had many moments, but I knew he was worth the fight.  We took our chances when we were told that our son could possibly suffer from schizophrenia, we hung on to hope that he wouldn’t, but he did.

Sergio was 23 years old when he took his life.  He was caged in his own torment and caged by others who I trusted were providing him with the best medical care possible.  I still feel the sting of the call that we received the day we were told he was dead, it was a callous call.  I had to forgive the heartless people that had surrounded my son, but there were also wonderful stories of Sergio.  Sergio never hesitated to share the gospel with others who suffered in the same facility he was in.  He served those who could not serve themselves, he prayed for those who had no hope.  As a mother it was a great comfort to hear how others loved him very much.  I miss my son, Sergio, but  I know without a doubt that he is with the Lord.  I still grieve him, I miss him very much.  I remember not too longer after his death I was angry that the Lord would allow my son to go through such hurt, but I was reminded by a loving friend who said to me, “satan may have had your son’s mind, but God had his heart.”   If ever words were spoken in truth it was those very words. 

So, mijo. I want to wish you a  Happy Birthday!!  I know your celebration is awesome with the Lord.  Father, could you please give Sergio a big hug and big kiss from me and could you please tell him that “I love and miss him very much.”

 

 

Who You'd Be Today

Kenney Chesney

 

Such a fun song!

 No, no love, just enjoying a great song that I would sing to myself when I was feeling a little silly.  I am feeling a little silly.

 

Kelly Rowland

"Train on the Tracks"

 

Quiet solitude

After a busy day at work, when I get home all I want to do is .  .  .  .  nothing.  At work I am like, oh yeah I'll get the laundry done, wash the dishes, organize my pile of papers, you know the same bull hokey.  But when I get home it is another story; I am beat.  Though at night before I go to bed I enjoy writing, not necessarily to any particular person, but just sitting on my bed with my laptop, like now.  I enjoy the quietness of my home with light music playing from my laptop; gotta love Pandora!!  I like sharing my thoughts with whoever gives a rip or doesn't.  It doesn't matter because I am sharing from my heart and depths of my soul.  Who knew I could do that.  Sometimes I write because it is the only time I can write about how amazing life truly is.  I am still grateful, tired, but grateful.  Well, before I go off on a tangent I will resign to sign off and go to bed.  Blessings and good night to you and Thank You, Father for another day.

 

"In Reverence"

 by David Tolk

In the shadows

My life seems to be falling into a sense of balance right now.  I am so grateful for that.  I am also grateful for my friends who have been a pillar of strength at times for me, I so appreciate them.  I am still trying to tackle the piles of papers that need to be organized and I hate to say it, but the pile is getting bigger everyday.  AUGH!!!  I will continue packing up my home as time permits, or if I have the energy to do it.  I know, I know!!  I have to get down to the nitty gritty and get my work done.

I did receive a text from a friend wanting to make plans.  So we discussed going to the Ivywild School for dinner.  The Ivywild used to be an elementary school that was closed several years ago, the school is an old relic which is a fantastic architectural jewel.  Well there is a eatery, bakery and a brewery in the school now; really a swanky place if I do say so myself.  When I walked in the halls of this old school several weeks ago, I imagined the shadows of children who passed through these halls and what their lives might have become.  Also, it could have been the Honey Wheat beer I had . . . anyways . . . . I have always loved old buildings and have always been intrigued in reference to the people who occupied the homes and buildings and if these people loved these timely dwellings.  I know I do.

Anyways . . . that is the plan, but when dealing with my friend she can change her mind very quickly.  So, I will include the link to this intersteing building that will continue to hold shadows of many more people who come through it's doors and enjoy a lovely meal, baked good, music and a beer.  http://ivywildschool.com/

Have a great weekend!!

 

 

Til I hear it from you-AMERICA style

It has been a real eye opener on how things work.  I haven't heard from my lawyers since I lost my case and I believe I won't.  I have been well though and just pushing forward to what lies ahead.  I was able to enjoy a fantastic concert given by my favorite band, "AMERICA."   They played in Colorado Springs at the Pike's Peak Center and they were spectacular!!  I was able to get a ticket, only the last ticket for an amazing price and I went.  Yes, I went alone.  It didn't feel funny and people around you get to talking, so it didn't matter.  I am not saying that it didn't feel weird.  I would have preferred going with a friend, but sometimes an opportunity opens up and you take it.  I have been taking some baby steps on getting back to what I was doing before I had my aneurysm.  I need to start my healthy eating, resting and exercising mode.  It is hard to start up again, but I need to do it for me.  I love taking fun chances of enjoying my life again.  I am very much looking forward to hiking, walking and cruising areas in Colorado that I have never been to.  I want to explore my state a little this Summer.  I want to attend some more amazing concerts this Summer.  I want to maybe even fall in love.  Okay, the falling in love thing will probably not happen any time soon, but I got a little carried away with my writing.  Though, it was nice feeling that kind of excitement.  I hate to say this, but I miss writing to Mr. Man.  I really do.  I miss the friendship we were developing.  Oh well .  .  .  .

So, as I am about to close out.  I am so grateful to the Lord, He made it possible for me to attend the concert this past Friday.  I am so glad I went. I always wanted to see AMERICA and they were really fantastic!!!  No gimmicks, just a plain old fashioned rock concert with great music and down to earth people who brought fun nostalgia to many in attendance.  Thank you, AMERICA!!  You rock!!

 

"Til I hear it from you"  AMERICA

 

 



Open your eyes

Today was the most trying day since my aneurysm surgery.  I lost in a court case and now I have to pay for court costs to the opposing council and a very large corporation, the same corporation that I had been paying premiums on my insurance for over 20 years.  It figures.  I am not upset that I lost, but now I am so indebted.  What gets me is that the jury felt that my insurance company did not comply with their part of the deal, but they were unaware that I have to pay thousands of dollars to the very corporation that I had purchased security to provide help when needed.  I basically was screwed, twice.  It is very frustrating.  It was a 50/50 gamble, and I lost.  I could use a miracle about now, but I will just have to accept the fact that life is not an enchanted place.  I believe I need to remove my rose colored glasses now.  I do not want to become a woman who is bitter and angry, I've done that route before.  I just need to accept the basic facts that not everyone has a full tank in their lives, some of us are barely coasting with fumes.  I am grateful for all that I do have, even though I am losing most of it.  I guess I do sound a bit upset, and I am.  Even after I got home the cursing just would not stop.  I will try not to worry too much, but I will probably have to file for bankruptcy.  In this junction of my life who gives a rip anymore.  I will do the best that I can do, that is all I can do.  Even though the tears would not stop flowing and I am so ever thankful to the Lord for giving me the strength to fight, and it was a good fight.  I will "do whatever just to stay alive," I will.  You know, I could maybe wear a fainter pair of rose colored glasses.  I mean really, they do help when dark days come.

"Stay Alive"

Jose Gonzalez

 

 

 

 



A little blue must fall on us all

It is snowing today, it looks quite lovely.  Usually, it comforts me in some ways to see the softness and caressing dance that snowflakes make while gliding down from the sky.  As I type this entry I am looking outside my large dining room window and also listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama."  Uh, not really appropriate music for this beautiful scenery.  What can I say?  Some things in life can be trivial. 

I am feeling a little under the weather today, actually, I feel about 90% better than I did Sunday.  I cannot go into detail of this stomach flu, but boy it knocked me out of my socks.  My son, Nathaniel was ill first and then I got ill, and he became ill again on Monday morning.  So, yesterday I pulled a Pine Sol onslaught and filled a large bucket with hot water and Pine Sol and wiped everything in the house; my house smells like an infirmary, but at least it is clean and disinfected. 

It has been an interesting week at work too, I think my barrier was infiltrated with stress and disgust.  Sometimes, I just want to pull a Walter Mitty and just tell people to stop being "dicks."  I have it in me, but the wisdom of my wise confidants is to keep silent, don't burn bridges.  Sometimes leadership, lacks that, leadership.  It is good to have people who know me well and steer me to take a breathe, pray and ask God to give me clarity.  I love where I work and I also love the people that I work closely with, they are phenomenal!  It was good that I called out today, I wouldn't want to hurl on management's shoes.  It was coming up this morning, even before I left work, I couldn't stomach going in.  I hate being physically weak, and emotionally charged.  Bad combination. 

Anyways . . .

I will be alright.  It is probably a season I have to go through.  It sucks, but I have to see it through and face the giants with my little pebble and sling shot.  I will have to just trudge along until I find my niche.  I am grateful for my job and love what the company does.  I am grateful for my health and that my stomach flu will pass through, no pun intended.  So, right now Lynyrd Skynyrd's, "Sweet Home Alabama" is the appropriate song to continue looking out at the glistening snow.

 

Lynyrd Skynyrd's, "Sweet Home Alabama"

with one of my favorite films, "Forrest Gump"

 

Enjoy your day!

 

Castle Rock

This past Saturday, January 25.  My son and I drove up to Castle Rock, Colorado which is about 50 minutes north of Colorado Springs.  It was my first solo drive outside of Colorado Springs since last year.  It was great driving, talking to Nathaniel and listening to music.  I believe we were listening to Train or was it Abba.  I cannot recall and what does did it matter, my son and I were getting out of the Springs, alone.  We stopped by a Subway and had lunch and after lunch we drove into town.  We stopped by The Barn Antique in Castle Rock, which is across from the Fire Department.  Nathaniel and I took out our cameras and started taking photos. We had a great time; this time of photography is what binds my relationship with my son and that is very important to me and I know for him too. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"I CAN"T SEE SHEEP!!"