I am in solitude

I do not have a problem with being alone, it somehow helps me with dealing with my every day life..  I love my friends and family, but I hate that I am always bombarded to do something with them, and sometimes I just want to be left alone.  Don't get me wrong, I do get lonely.  I enjoy the stimulation of a great conversation.  It is difficult for people to understand that I need that balance of solitude and being with people.  I am not a fan of crowds or loud venues, but I can deal with them for awhile.  I have been this way since I was a kid, and friends find it hard to accept that kind of "behavior."  Even when I was married, my ex would question my solitude and I had my reasons.  I felt alone, so why not be alone.  He didn't want to see the whole picture, he didn't care to.

In solitude I am able to break down everything that has gone in my life and put it in another perspective.  I guess I needed to write this, it is something I have been wanting to say just straight out.  I am not someone that is needy, but I do need.  I would like to depend on someone one day, because they can be for certain that they could depend on me.   So, if in my solitude I can see things through and continue with my healing, then so be it.  If this truth causes pain to those who read this entry, I do not apologize, because you should already know me by now. 

In its rawest form, one of the benefits of my solitude is that I have had intense conversations with God.  I have prayed and praised Him in the most darkest moments of my life, and having that time of solitude has benefited me in more ways than not.  Being in solitude with God has grown me, and if you think about it, many of the Lord's followers were loners, and what they have shared with the world is nothing but PHENOMENAL!!

Ingrid Michaelson, "Sort Of"



Strangely Beautiful

This video clip from the movie, "The Doctor," made me cry.  I recall that the most important thing when I was sick was the chance to dance with no reservations.  I dance everyday, because life is a beautiful gift from God!

 

Laurie Anderson, "Strange Angels"

 

 

 

Sunday drive

I was restless today.  I wanted to just go anywhere.  My son Nathaniel got up and left for church but didn't let me know he was leaving.  He later stated that he did not want to disturb me, so I didn't go to church either.  I finally got ready and went for a short drive with my son, then I went out and drove up Hwy 83,  I ended up in the town of Castle Rock.  I so wanted to have my favorite Iced Mocha coffee at Dazbog on Colfax and 2nd St, but the coffee shop closed at 5 pm.  So, I just decided to come home.  The drive home was restful and the mountains looked spectacular.  I was glad I took the drive, unfortunately, I did not take any photos.  So, I will be posting a photo from a drive I took several weeks ago. 

Before, I leave I wanted to share that my date on Friday night was wonderful!  The gentleman was kind, intelligent, extremely sexy and handsome and just FUN!  I had not had a date like that in . . . . never.  Not, that I had not had fantastic times on a dates with others, but this man and I talked.  He asked me questions and waited for me to answer, without interruption!  We met for dinner at 6 pm and our date ended at 2:30 am.  I felt very comfortable with him and if nothing else I am glad I went out with him.  We ended up walking around the Broadmoor Hotel after dinner and having coffee at the Broadmoor bar, we closed the bar.  After leaving the Broadmoor we went for a drive, and then our date ended with me driving this gentleman back to his car.  It was just so much of everything nice!



 This photo was taken at a friends house in Black Forest, CO

 

 

 

 

 

2016

Another year is upon us!  I know I am only a month in a half overdue, but I needed to take some time and make some adjustments.  Personal ones.  My Christmas was quiet and a little melancholy.  My son, Nathaniel is grieving his father, as am I, but we are making the best of what God has planned for us.  New Years I spent at work.  Unfortunately, I missed the fireworks on Pikes Peak, which is something I hate to miss.  My Valentine's was spent with the love in my life, my son, Nathaniel.  Again, I had to work, but we spent the morning and early afternoon together.  I made an early dinner and he baked a cake.  I let him do his thing.  I feel my spirit on edge recently, as if a change needs to take place.  I know I am giving myself at least six months to a year to decide if I will continue living in Colorado Springs.  So much is going on with my life, some good and so many uncertainties.  I hate that feeling of not having some stability, but I do not believe that I have ever had that.  My job is going well.  I love my new church.  I am slowly reconnecting with friends that I shut out after my ex died.  I appreciate that they know me enough to leave me alone, and I love that they are there when I do contact them. 

Nathaniel and I went to an outing today up in Denver.  On our way back we talked about his father, and he asked me if I missed him.  I told him I did.  Then he asked me if I think about what he did, and then he went unto say that that didn't matter anymore to him.  I told my son that what happened is done, no sense in reliving that which God has closed the door on.  I also told Nathaniel that it was okay to cry for his dad, because I still did.  I do miss both my ex husband and my son.  I know I always will.  I did not want to start the new year with such a depressing entry, but when a family is torn by trauma and death, it is a process to heal.  And yeah, I am taking that time, and if anyone doesn't care for this process, go FUCK yourselves!!  Alrighty then, that felt good!!

Tomorrow night I have a date with someone I have been corresponding with since last November.  I do feel that I am ready to go out and take a chance on a little romance.  My sister and close friends are happy that I am taking chances with dating again.  So am I.

Now, that I have brought you up to speed with my crazy life.  I hope that as you have read my blog my strongest ally in life has been the Lord.  I know that I would not be able to handle everything that has happened without God's hand in my life.  Great to know that the King/Creator/Savior of the universe cares about you and me.  Yeah, great to know!!

  I so do love to laugh!! 

 

 



Interlude

 

"Interlude"  Shane and Shane

 

 

Mr. Stone

 Mr. Stone, after seeing you and kissing you for what would be the last time.  I wish so much good in your life.  I pray for you, for your safety as you continue in your phenomenal adventures.  I pray for your spirit, mind, heart and soul.  It has been a wonderful pleasure knowing you.  Blessings to you Mr. Stone, and I did fall in love with you, and I am so glad that I could!!

 

David Gates, "Goodbye Girl"

 



All things

It is starting to feel like the Fall.  I love the Colorado colors of Autumn, but I must admit I miss the colors of the East Coast, they were amazing!  I decorated my home with my turkeys, foliage and other knick knacks of the Fall.  It feels so cozy and looks quite lovely.  You'll just have to take my word for now.  I will take photos soon and post a few of them, or maybe not.  Depends on how the pictures come out.  Nathaniel is camping with friends, the house is quiet.  I need that for now, I have not been watching television.  I love listening to music, it soothes my heart and soul.  I was driving home earlier after dropping Nathaniel off his friend's home.  I was thinking about so many people that I have cared for.  The silly crushes and heartbreaks of friends that are no longer in my life.  Right now I feel that my life is taking another shift.  I closed my cell phone account.  I am starting to look for another church.  I will be changing my home phone and am closing some email accounts.  I believe it is time for me to go forward with my life, though I have fallen into a bit of a depression.  I don't want to stay there, but I know I need to grieve.  I believe the loss of Cal has finally hit me.

Yeah, it seems about right.  We were raised by our dad to be stoic in all things.  To be like men and think like men.  The thing is, I am a woman, though I appreciate the firm and no bullshit way I was raised by my father, it comes in handy.  I am still a woman.  I am a beautiful emotional mess, and like I shared with my friend, David, last night.  Any woman who claims to have it together is a fucking liar!  No one, and I mean, no one has it together.  We live in a fallen world, so if you are breathing, well, you are a mess!  And that is okay!  I hate how our society deems any kind of emotion as a sign of weakness, well, screw you!  I have listened to that bull shit all my life, and I am tired of it.  You know, if Jesus, wept, became angry, ate, laughed, healed many, slept, felt betrayal, then, why am I supposed to be some super human woman!  Not happening!  So, I will grieve, laugh, become angry, eat lots of chocolate and ask for help when I need it.  I will continue to enjoy my job, love my son and friends!  I will think fondly of Cal, and learn to take photos with his cameras.  I will slowly let the hurt subside.  I will enjoy life and pray for those who are suffering, and I will continue to be grateful in all things!

 



Composition

 

 

                                                                                                                                                    Photo by Lilia

 

                                                              that's all . . . 

 

 

 

 

 



Six years

I wrote this letter two months after Sergio had passed away.  Those who knew him and our family knew the struggles we had with him.  Mental illness is probably the most difficult thing a family can go through.  Watching our son suffer was torture for him and us.  We felt very much alone and felt like outcasts.  I know Sergio is in perfection with the Lord, and that is where I draw my strength from, God's promises.  I am glad that God entrusted this soul to me, with all the madness we went through, he was so worth the fight.  Because I am his mother, I thank God for those privileged moments when I saw who my son could have been.  Thank you, Father, thank you for those moments. 

It is two months today, November 10, 2009 that our son Sergio died. I still find it hard to believe that our son is gone.  It doesn’t help to notice that the days go by so fast, as if morning and night melt into each other and become one; no light no darkness, no depth. I suppose we are still in a fog, going through the motions of life.  We try to show our youngest son, Nathaniel, that all will be okay. We know that even though Sergio’s physical presence is gone, one day we will see him in eternity with Our Lord.  That is the hope we believe in; it is in God’s word and His promises are not empty.
The Saturday before Sergio died he talked to his father and told him that he was very thankful for everything we did for him, and for the home we had given him. He was adamant about following Jesus and that he would always be a Christian.  He also shared his dreams of settling down with a good woman and having children, and checking with his father if having children would make us grandparents.
Sergio knew the value of freedom for his mind, soul and body; something many of us take for granted.  Sergio shared his heart with people that no one would bother with, most of us would be afraid to.  He left a legacy of mercy, forgiveness and love.  Sergio was a talented artist, athlete and enjoyed rapping.  Words were his soothing balm; in many of the songs he wrote and sang, Sergio shared his love for God, family and the ideals of a life beyond torment and pain. 
There were some wonderful things shared by Sergio’s friends who loved him dearly; things we did not know about our son.  We want to thank you again for your insights.
I thank God for the privilege of being chosen to be Sergio’s mother.  God knew that I needed this child to build character and strength in me, and to learn to rely more on our Heavenly Father than on myself. 
We are very thankful for family and friends who have held us up in prayer and offered whatever they could do to help, just asking was a blessing, and we are grateful.

In Jesus,

Cal, Lilly and Nathaniel

Daughtry, "Home"

 

(Sergio sang this song at a talent show they had at the State Hospital he was in.  According to those who heard him sing, his performance was amazing.  He sang from his heart.  The lyrics say it all)

 

 

 

The Piano Guys

A month before Cal passed away, a friend and I had made plans to attend the "Piano Guys" concert at the Red Rocks Amphitheater, in Morrison, CO.  It was a great concert. It turned out to be a distraction I needed.  The amphitheater is definitely a sight to see and experience.  It was just beautiful!!  I am grateful for my friends and their understanding of what I am going through.  The thing that some people do not get is just because I was divorced from my ex, does not mean that what I had shared with him could be discarded.  I had a history with this man, over half my life.  I do have my good days, mostly good days, and that is including the moments of grief.  It is good to grieve, because it makes me realize how much joy I have in my heart too.  So, with that said, I am adding some great photos from Morrison, CO and the Piano Guys concert.

 

 

 

Happy Campers!

Cal

On August 13, 2015 we had Cal's memorial.  It turned out so beautiful.  Nathaniel's church took care of everything, and Nathaniel and I felt so safe and calm.  Nathaniel had made a photo journal to play in the service, it was very touching.  As I was watching the video a flood of emotions just overtook me and all the great memories were just too much for me to handle.  I believe as Nathaniel was choosing the photos for the video, it gave him a sense of healing.  It was beautiful.  It was nice to see our friends and people who loved Cal  offer their support to Nathaniel and me.  I am blessed.

Cal, one day we will see each other again, and all the insanity that we went through will be gone forever.  I am glad I met you, Cal, and thank you for being in my life.  We did have an incredible adventure!   Father, thank you, for helping Nathaniel and me through this time of grieving and healing.  Father, we could not be where we are if you were not in our lives.  Thank you!

Cal

March 20,1958 - July 16, 2015