Changes

I wrote the following almost a year ago.  A lot has changed since I saved this entry.  I have a second chance at everything.  I am enjoying so much without the constant concern if the other person is okay.  I care if someone else is okay or not, just it should not consume me and dictate how I should feel.  Ever!  Well, now that I am maturing in my life's experience; let me just say that I am looking forward to what the future holds for me.  Now, the following is an entry I made a year ago, but did not publish until now.

Change especially after divorce is not so easy and not so hard.  I think the other shoe has fallen.  Listening to friends advice on what I should do now varies, everything from dating to just being alone.  Right now I am going for the latter.  Being alone, especially when a vulnerable heart is on the line is a definite downer.  Mourning a marriage is not as cut and dry as I hoped it would be.  There is a lot of reflection on oneself.  I do not have the regret of the divorce, but more why I didn't do it sooner.  Also, I find that divorce does not have the same stigma it had when I was growing up, but then again what does.  I am enjoying this new found singleness quite comfortably, though I must admit the loneliness can sink right into the pit of ones stomach, but now I have learned to embrace it.  Do I still feel lonely?  Yes, but now I can go on with my life and actually start living for the first time.

 

Ingrid Michaelson, "The Chain"

 

 

 



Intact Skull

Lately I have been noticing people and their heads.  I try to remember how it feels to have an intact skull.  No trauma, no one messing with my brain; just normalcy.  I do believe that I will have some normalcy again.  One day all this drama will be a faint memory; the memory of surgery, stupor, rehab, family issues, life decisions.  There are moments where I cannot fathom why I had to go through this, then it occurs to me that this is what God let pass through his hands.  I remember telling my boys that anything that happens to us whether good or bad has gone through God's hands first.  It is good to know that God has been involved with all the details of the good or bad that comes to our lives, it is comforting.  I don't want to sound like a downer, I am very grateful for my healing.  I just recently had my third and last surgery on September 19th.  There is a relief of not going through anymore surgeries and healing time, though I am recuperating for the next six weeks.  In all honesty I am so much looking forward to returning to work!  Yikes!

Anyways, today was my first Sunday that I was able to attend service.  It was good to see my dear friends and listening to my Pastor's sermon, it was something I needed to hear.  I love my church!  A great group of people.

Well, I feel a little better.  I know my skull is healing as I sit here typing this blog entry. . . . yeah right  : )   It is nice to think about the good that surrounds us.  It helps to remember that the Lord is among us.  It is good to know that I am doing well, and I am looking forward to what God has waiting in the palm of his hands; it will all be good.

 

The gray has got to go . . . ha