Signing Off

I have decided to sign off from my blog. There have been many loses this past year, friends that I loved and miss everyday. So many changes in our world and especially here in my home of the United States of America. I am not afraid, but a little surprised that I would see such times. satan, does not even hide what he is doing and people do not see it, or choose not to see it. I hear many people say that we are living in uncertain times, but that is not true. The times that we are living in are very certain. God told us that many will fall away from the truth and God is hated. I do believe that there was fraud in our elections, again, satan, is not hiding his deceit. I know that God is in control, He always is. We are all strained emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and just drained, period. Though, I admit that God sustains my spirit and heart. He will not abandon His children, but I believe that our nation is so depraved, and God will give man to his deprivation. He tells us in his word. Yes, we live in certain times, though, I do not know what will happen tomorrow, but I know whose hands tomorrow is being held by. Thank you, Father. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Holy Spirit. Thank you, for holding me up and all the blessings from above.

"Love and Mercy"  Brian Wilson

Ethan

I met Ethan several years ago when he was working in the ER. I was not sure of him at first,we would talk a little. Though,  I came to love him like the Lord loved him. He would share some things of his life, but then would shut me out. I let him be. I know he liked when I would call him mijo, a term I use on occasion with some of the younger men in the ER. It is a term of endearment, and anyone under 35 years of age, well are kids to me. I would have a 34 year old son right now, right now. . . . I had not seen Ethan in awhile, I really did not think much of him, but, I was told that Ethan had taken his life.  At first I tried not let it affect me, but the pain is there. He was 25 years old. He had to be in such anguish.  Ethan impacted so many lives, including mine.  This tobacco chewing, smart mouth, nature loving young man will be missed by many who loved him and will carry the pain of his death.  Good bye Ehtan, you will be missed, mijo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lindsay the Brave

For my friend, Lindsay.  I will miss you .  .  .  .

 

 

"Brave"  "Touch the Sky"

 

 



JESUS, ER and Covid

Well, without sounding like every mouthpiece in social media.  We are still in the stay at home order from this pandemic.  I am still working in the ER which has its own challenges.  Precautions are taken by everyone in the hospital, but the ER is the first line of defense or if I could say of patient's coming in to be seen for possible COVID.  We are not in the same numbers as New York, New Jersey, California and Washington state, but we have to follow the mandates of the state until the 26th of April.  My son has been a great help, he has the bottle of disinfectant waiting outside the apartment door when I get home, and I spray my shoes.  I then change out of my clothes and throw them in the wash immediately.  It has been a process.  At times I feel so drained, but then I think about the doctors, nurses and every single person working to keep the ER running smoothly without incident.  I work as a patient access rep. and my risks are supposedly low, but we go into patient's rooms, and sometimes after the fact that the patient is positive for COVID.  Something that irks me to no end.  I will be working the next couple of days, but then I have been asked if I would take some time off until May when I can return back to work.  I am considered a high risk.  Unfortunately, I have to take some of my vacation days, but I figured it would be good to take some time off.  I am okay with finances, and I understand why it had to be done. Though sometimes I analyze more than I should, but God has it under control and I trust Him.

I have been working in the ER for over five years now, and I still love it.  I suppose that things cannot always stay the same, and I do not know what changes will be made while I am not working.  I told my son that this might be an opportunity for reduction in force.  We are slow in the ER.  Many patient's who actually follow the stay at home order wait until their chest pains are unbearable, God bless them.  But, we do let patient's know chest pain is an emergency.  They just felt that they should not come in because we have asked the public to only come in emergencies.  Please if you are feeling ill beside COVID symptoms, please come in to be seen. 

I have a friend who is in the hospital, she is in her 30's and has been on oxygen for awhile because she had lung issues.  I met Lindsay in the ER, she helped me a lot.  We became friends and we would go out for whatever.  She is a lovely young woman and has been dealt with brain cancer and lung issues a couple of years ago.  I am worried.  She messaged me earlier today that she was really sick, but did not go into details.  I have been praying for her. Father, please help her.  I also lost a gentleman friend of my son, Nathaniel and myself.  He was 92 years old and passed away last week from COVID.  He was an active man and tough old guy, his name was Richard.  He is with our Lord in glory.  Another friend lost her brother, a week in a half ago.  He died in an accident and my friend also found out she is pregnant.  Father, please comfort and bless this family.  They will have to view the funeral through satellite.  How things are becoming.  I remind myself every day that God is in control, and He is.  What satan meant for evil, God turns into good. 

The one question I believe people are asking themselves lately, is this scripture coming to fruition? The end times? One world order, government, money and religion.  Maybe.  Maybe, we are witnessing the unraveling of it.  Am I scared?  Concerned, but my prayer has always been that the Lord would give me courage and a fire in my spirit to share the gospel.  Jesus is waiting. If you confess Him as your Lord and Savior and repent from your sins, giving yourself completely to Jesus because he is the only one who can save us, and that is the Gospel Truth!

 

       

Feliz Ano Nuevo!!

A new year has begun.  My post will continue to be sporadic, but I will share how life in going.  As of this moment I am doing well. The Lord has been gracious and merciful.  My son and I moved to a cute apartment and my son and I feel good here.  God is good!!  I am still working in the ER, I know I can hardly believe it.  It will be five years and I still believe that that is where I need to be, at least for a little longer.  The nurses and doctors that I work with are phenomenal, but change is always constant. I miss the people that have gone off to other venues in the medical field or follow another dream.  It always feels like the ER is losing another family member when somebody leaves.  A dear friend of mine has taken to becoming a traveling nurse, her next assignment will take her to New Mexico.  I will have to go visit her in the Land of Enchantment.  So much happening in the world and especially in our country, such uncertainty, but not for God.  He knows what will need to happen and if we read our bible we will have insight too.  It requires accepting Jesus in our heart and believing that he died for us.  Last year one of our ER Techs passed away, she was my age.  She suffered so much in the end, the cancer had ravaged her body, her name was Cindy.  Cindy was a tough woman, but had a beautiful heart.  She was creative and loved Todd Rundgren. She will be missed.

I have been doing well.  I need to see a specialist in the near future for my brain.  I am not sick, but it is for preventative measures.  I am so tired of seeing doctors, but it is what it is.  My friendships are becoming a little sporadic too.  My work schedule is tough with friendships and relationships, which the latter is whatever.  Ha.  Working in the medical field can take its toll, but I believe it is a calling.  I do not work medically with the patient, but I do have to acquire information from them.  I see so much of everything, and I learn so much.  The patients and doctors are always willing to allow to watch certain procedures.  The body is so fascinating. 

I was thinking about a friend that I hurt several years ago.  I wish we could start up our friendship again, but the ball is on his side of the court.  I sometimes believe that he is reading my entries to this blog.  You know Mr. T Sax you can contact me and I am sorry.  I hope you have forgiven me.

Well, I must go.  I hope that you all have a wonderful year.  May God's love, joy, peace and especially Jesus salvation be known to you in such a personal way. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

For Cindy .  .  .  .

"A Dream Goes on Forever"

Todd Rundgren

 

 

 

 



Touching Base

Well, hello, dear readers!  You probably thought I had fallen off the face of the earth, but I was hanging in there and getting some important things sorted out.  I found a new place to live, not far from my work and all I have to say that it has its quirks, but I do love it.  God is good and provided a way for us to move out of the basement apartment we were so unhappy.  Grateful to my Father all the time, knowing I am not deserving.  He is good!

Well, I am still working and making my little place into a home, need to get some little odds and ends, but enjoying hunting for them.  I am getting ready for a Thanksgiving Dinner next week and taking a staycation.  I could use the time off. 

We were living with a friend for the month of September until the current place was being refurbished.  We moved in October and I love my windows and the kitchen is wonderfully large.  I even have a washer and dryer.  God is good!  My job is only minute away and the train runs on the other side of a private field.  So, now, I can say I live in the other side of the train tracks.  HA!

I thought I would write a quick entry to touch base.  My life has taken a little bit of some normalcy, and I pray God keeps it that way for awhile.  I will write very soon.  So much has happened, no, no Mr. Alaska.  HA!  Just the Lord and me, and my small family.  Thank you, Father, for my new home and time to rest in your arms. Thank You!!

Second Chances

I believe in second chances.  I give them and have been given these do overs, these mistakes and choices that may have been misconstrued.  You know, misunderstandings. So, by now you probably may have gathered that I gave Mr. Alaska that second chance, actually, we gave whatever we had going a second chance.  As if the first time was not enough for me.  I am not a martyr, just to let you know.  I sincerely believed we could make a go of whatever we had, I was in love with Mr. Alaska.  I should have just walked on.  To make a long story and I mean long story short.  Mr. Alaska came back to Colorado to visit, he had purchased his ticket awhile back ago, so we thought okay, let's give this a go, again.  We had planned this trip to my home state of Texas, we were supposed to announce our engagement to our families.  Of course, I had broken that engagement prior to this trip.  So, Mr. Alaska came to Colorado on a Thursday, we had a date on Friday and a wedding on Saturday.  It was going well, but at the wedding something shifted again after Mr. Alaska asked me to be his girlfriend, again.  I of course said, "yes."  I loved this man, why not.  The entire night of the wedding my boyfriend gave me his back and sat away from me.  I just did not understand.  I was hurt.  So hurt.  This man humiliated me in front of my entire church family.  I did say something about his behavior, but Mr. Alaska only gave me a half baked excuse.  We still went to Texas, as my family was expecting me.  Needless to say I only saw Mr. Alaska in the evenings when we met up with dear friends of ours.  Mr. Alaska continued his cold behavior and at one point dismissed me in front of our friends.  Okay, no, I am not a doormat, but I sure as hell knew this was not going to continue.  So, now I was humiliated in front of my family and our friends.  I did not say a thing, I let it simmer because I wanted to let him feel the eruption of my soul.  We came back to Colorado and Mr. Alaska stayed until his flight the following Monday.  We did go out and did enjoy ourselves a bit, but I did not say a word.  I guess he thought I was a desperate fool of a woman.  After several weeks of calling each other every couple of days I finally had to say something, and, I did.  I spoke to Mr. Alaska and let him know that his treatment towards me was unacceptable and I did not want to pursue a relationship with him.  All he could say to me is that he was not "perfect."  What?!!  We talked for a few more days and I could not pretend.  I was angry with myself for believing that Mr. Alaska learned his lesson on how not to treat a woman, absolutely not!  I text him a goodbye line. Why call.  What was the point!  And, now I am writing about this experience.  I did wish Mr. Alaska well and told him to take care.  I do have a sense of decorum, but IT IS OVER!!!!  So, with all this said, I believe that my second chances will still continue, but if I see a lost cause on the first try, I better let go of that second chance.



Anniversaries

This year is going by as fast as running water draining in the sink.  The last couple of months have been a whirlwind of travel, second chances and anniversaries.  I celebrated 4 years in the ER, I started my job on March 2015.  I would have been married 33 years, I married in May of 1986.  And it has been 6 years since I had two brain aneurysms in the month of June 2013.  And my ex has been dead 4 years now, Cal passed away on July 16, 2015.  The majority of my anniversaries have been blessings and celebrations of life. But, I believe the hardest anniversary was my ex husband's death.  I realized today how much I miss Cal. Yes, it sounds strange with all the pain he caused his family, but, there was some wonderful things about Cal too.  He was truly an adventurous man.  He was very much into nature. Cal loved the ocean a great deal, he was in his element in the water.  He was a fisherman, hiker, mountain climber, he hiked up Guadalupe Peak.  He was involved with the Sierra Club and taught me the basics of camping. Cal and I were avid campers and hikers.  He was also extremely patient with me.  He was a business man and an artist.  He was a professional photographer and created some beautiful ceramic pieces; I still have some of his ceramic pieces. I also kept his cameras in hopes that I will pick up photography soon.  I miss our talks and Cal could talk. I could make Cal laugh, I loved his laughter.  He loved my warped sense of humor, one of the few people who got me.  Cal was extremely intelligent and the man could read something and remember every word of what he read.  Cal's last creative piece was building a hammer dulcimer, he never finished it and I have the dulcimer on display in my son's room.  My son, Nathaniel asked to keep it.  I could not refuse, it was a Father's day gift for Cal.

There are many days that I wish we didn't go through the insanity of my ex's addiction, but we did.  The trauma forced on our family still pains me today.  I guess the healing is never ending, but I know that the forgiveness is there. It will always be there. I prayed today that the Lord would give Cal a kiss on his cheek and a great hug from me.  I asked the Lord to tell Cal that I did love him, and that you were taking care of me and our son, Nathaniel.  I felt such peace and joy for having lived my life with Cal.  We did have some good times and I remember those times with so much joy.  Cal was an imperfect man, like the rest of us, living in an imperfect world, but never the less, loving the Lord with such desperation.  That is the one thing that I will always remember about Cal, his desperate love of God.
 

 

Rich Mullins, "Calling Out Your Name" 

 

 

 

                                                        

Different Drum

 

 

It is officially over.  It has been difficult for me to come to a decision, but not really.  The letter was written and mailed off.   I will miss you, Mr. Alaska.  I do love you very much, but it just cannot be.  We may want the same things, but I do not want to be a bird in a cage.  I am not knocking marriage, but I want a man who does not manipulate my heart. Thank you, Mr. Alaska, for asking me to marry you, for any old reason. 

 

 

"Different Drum" Linda Ronstadt

Happy Birthday, Sergio

Today is my son's, Sergio's birthday.  He would have been 33 years old.  I cannot believe how time flies.  I still remember when we received the news that you were gone, it never leaves my mind, and the heartache never heals completely.  Thank you, Father, for the gift he was to me.  Happy Birthday, Mijo.

Sergio and our dog Shiloh, 1999

 

I am really here

Do you know what I want?! I want you to tell me when you need me.  Ask me if I need some time alone.  Ask me to pick you up at the airport.  Ask me if I truly understand you, because I don't.  Ask me how I am, because I am really here.  Don't demand. Don't take me for granted.  Don't make assumptions on what I need or what I want.  I am a grown woman, I am not a child.  Ask me, don't tell me!  I want you to know that I am really here.

"Secret Garden" Bruce Springsteen