But, Part II

Several weeks ago I wrote about a gentleman that I had met and we were beginning to develop a relationship.  Unfortunately, he lived in another state and wanted to meet me, so he flew all the way from Alaska to Colorado.  Well, I had some reservations about him and it seemed that I could not get over the but of something amiss about this man.  No, he wasn't married.  I was struggling with my feelings for this man, I knew that he was not being honest with me about his beliefs, and I was just all over the place with my emotional and mental state. I was definitely off balance, and I did not like it at all.  My spiritual state was not in check with the Holy Spirit.  I felt like I was a woman in severe drama code.  And, I HATE drama!!

 Last night I tried to have a discussion with Mr. Alaska about how I believed he was disappointed with me.  He did not want to discuss the matter and when I tried to talk to him about it tonight, he told me that he felt the discussion was done.  But, it was not.  After listening to Mr. Alaska and his love for me, he told me that we could work things out as a couple.  Mr. Alaska proceeded to tell me that that is what a couples do.  So, I had to let Mr. Alaska know that I could not marry him this November and that I needed to seek some counseling to deal with the garbage still left from my ex's crap, crap I did not want to bring into this "relationship."  Well, let's just say that Mr. Alaska bailed, first I felt he shut down and second he felt that maybe I should handle my issues alone.  HA!! HA!!  So, much for supporting each other as a couple.  To be quite frank with you, I did not feel upset about what he said to me, you see the night before I was in fervent prayer with my Father in Heaven.  I was a mess and I asked my Father that if Mr. Alaska was not the man for me, that he would break off this relationship.  So, when Mr. Alaska wanted to let me heal alone I knew Mr. Alaska was not for me. I felt balanced again.  So, yes, God does answer prayer when one is too weak and unbalanced to stop something that is hard to do.

 Mr. Alaska was so gentlemanly.  It is sad when many women I know don't fall for the bullshit of a man saying that he will take care of us.  And be there for us and blah, blah, blah!!  It is just so cliché!  I like many women know, if the man gives lip service about how wonderful he is, take it as that ladies, lip service. He is not that wonderful.  A man who truly loves a woman will do for a woman without telling a woman that he will take care of you, he just will.  I've known that for many, many years.  Believe me, I was the last person to fall for lip service, and unfortunately, I did, a little.  God is good to rescue me from the menusha of Mr. Alaska.  Yes, the Lord loves him too.  Why not, I mean the man is kind, but still just lip service!!  So, Mr. Alaska, do you understand what I am saying?!  That no one wants an ass in their buts!!

Ane Brun, "Do You Remember"

 

 





MerryGoRound

 

Okay, I believe that we have control of our thought process, and I do believe that, very much.  I have always and I mean always lived my life in a very non traditional way.  Though, I have lived it traditionally because that is how a "good" mother and wife lives her life for her family.  But, I did get bored with the way I was expected to behave, I was bored out of my mind.  My son's knew that mom was not like the other moms from their class or church.  Even my ex husband knew that too, I guess that is why he enjoyed hanging with me when we met, and he even chilled with me before and after our divorce.  Yes, we still kicked off our shoes on occasion.  I am not saying I am a party person or anything like that, but I do enjoy people for who they are.  I am cautious at times and also try to be accepting on some things, but not all. I mean really we have to make choices in our lives that will not ruin us.
 

Anyway . . . . .

 



Why, am I writing this entry, again, not to sure.  Though, I wanted to just put truth out there.  Truth that I believe in Jesus and I know I belong to my Father in Heaven, and that I am royalty. I believe that because He tells me that in his word.  Though, I will admit sometimes I do not behave royally.  I behave more like a royal pain.  I have tried to live my life riding this merry go round. I want to follow where I am led by the Lord.   I read a meme a couple of days ago that said something about knowing God's word is not the same and doing God's work.  So, true.  I want to be following the Lord who saved me back in 1991, and I want the Lord to use this eclectic person to do his will. I will be who I am, loving, fun, compassionate, understanding and excessively funny.  Okay, maybe not to excessive.  So, while riding the merry go round of life I will continue to hang unto the Lord tightly, because I know that He will help me to stay the course, after the music and ride from the merry go round stops.

 

"Merry Go Round"  Kacey Musgraves

 

 



But

I recently had a friend visit from out of town.  He was kind, generous, cute and he loved to go out and do things.  We had a wonderful time.  This friend and I had been communicating since last October, and we have gotten very close with our feelings, to the point of saying the three magic words, "I love you."  He asked me to be his girlfriend and we would like to get married in the very near future. Yes, marriage.  I know I had shared with my friend that I needed to finish college.  My friend was all about I will take care of you, but, do I really want to be taken care of?!  I have been taking care of myself for a very long time and having someone tell me they want to take care of me freaks me out, a little.  Please, don't get me wrong, I do care for this man, but, there it is, but.  My friend left yesterday to his home state, and I did cry a little and as I drove home I thought about all the things we had done, and our conversations of a future together.  But, there it is again, but.  What is the but?!  I need to step back and review why I am having this but come up.  My internal gut radar is not going off that something is wrong or bad, but, there it is again, but.  Am I being cautious?  I know I am, but, why? I know no one is perfect, but, am I settling?  Is that it?!  Am I settling?!  Is he settling?!  I don't want to be someone settles for, I want someone to have that same fire for me that I would have for him.  Do I have that fire for him?  Is that fire important? I believe it is, for me.  I care for him and feel safe with him.  I definitely need to step back and review everything carefully.  I do care for this man, but, is it me?  Am I that jaded that I would rather burn a man than give him the opportunity to love and care for me.  Am I just afraid of being hurt, deceived, betrayed and not respected that I do not want to take a chance with a good man, because I thought I had a good man before?  Will he add to my happiness and joy, or will he drain me from existence like my ex did.  Do I love him, yes, but, am I IN LOVE with him?  I believe I am! That is very important.  I know the difference.  I have felt the difference before! I have asked God many times that His will be done in the man of His choosing for my life.  Is my internal gut alignment aching in pain if I push this man away from me?  Yes, it is.  Such an emotional rollercoaster. I pray the Lord gives me an answer in reference to being with this man, and I pray he gives me an answer quickly.  I do not care for having but moments, but, it is what I am going through right now. I know the Lord will show me and my eyes will be wide open, and there will be No buts about it!!

 



 

Tennessee

Goodbye Tennessee .  .  .  .  .  My heart has healed from its wound and now it is free to love again.  Though, I did love you, but I knew it was not meant to be.  You are not my match and you will never know your worth, because you believe in the lies of a broken and fallen world.  Good bye Tennessee, I lift you up in prayer that one day you will come to know the Lord, Jesus Christ, our Saviour. 

Tennessee by Hans Zimmer

Merry Christmas

______________________________________

Burl Ives, "Silver and Gold"

 



Love!!

My Hobbit hole is decorated with Christmas.  It looks quite lovely and festive.  I did not go overboard, but simple basics, like a tree.  It feels homey and a little magical.  At least it does to me.  I am off from work for the next several days and I have a busy schedule.  I love this time of year, it is just beautiful.  Even with all the commotion of the world, I take in the magic of the season.  Christmas is a reminder to the world of God coming down in the flesh.  It may go over our heads, but believing in that gives me a hope.  That our living God came down from heaven, became man, died for us, and welcomes us, with all our garbage.  Love!! 

I have to admit that my heart and spirit have become a little more darker.  And, I know why.  I have not given my Lord the time that He wants from me.  I mean, I give him my prayers, which are intimate conservations.  I give Him acknowledgement.  I gave Him my life and heart.  But, one thing where I am lacking is in my time.  I give the Lord that I love very little time.  Not, that I am so busy, but have become a little bitter.  Not angry, but sad.  Sad for the things that I cannot comprehend. God is in control, and I know that.  Though, I tend to be tough on myself, but tougher on others who should be our leaders in the church.  I have to stop!!  Love!!  My grievances are selfish and not fully holy in my Father's eyes.  He knows my heart better that me, I know that for a fact.  With everything that my family and I have gone through, I do not want to neglect the fact that the Lord has carried us through so much.  I am eternally grateful!! 

As I sit hit in my Hobbit hole, which the Lord gave us, and I am content. I want to thank the Creator of the universe with my Love!!  Thanking Him for these quiet moments, away from so much pain.  Thanking my Lord for helping me see my shortcomings, and still Loves me!!  Still .  .  . 

So, with all this said, I am asking my Lord, Jesus, King, for help in restoring my bitter heart and filling it with his Love!!  Thank you, Father, for still looking out for my son and me.  Please, bless our home and lives, envelope it with your Love!!

Thank you.

Love!!

"HEAVEN BREAKS"  Sleeping at Last

 



Birthday

Today is my birthday, and all I can say about it is that it "sucks!"  All my birthdays have sucked.  I have found that when someone else wants to do something for my birthday, it never pans out.  So, I have learned to treat myself on my birthday.  Today I got up, took a shower and left around 10 in the morning.  I ran a lot of errands, then I came home, no one was home, so, I took myself out to my favorite Indian restaurant and had lunch.  The hostess was so kind and gave me a free chai tea, this was after I told her it was my birthday.  My birthday, unfortunately, falls near or on the day of Thanksgiving.  When I was growing up my parents would forget my birthday, then they would realize later that evening or week.  They would feel bad and just wish me a Happy Birthday, no cake, no presents, just a happy birthday.  I was supposed to have a birthday breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Adam's Mountain Café in Manitou Springs, but it was cancelled because one of my friends had a job interview.  My son did not want to go to the restaurant anymore because they did not have his favorite lasagna.  Really??!!  Another friend was meeting a client, and another friend is going through some serious depression, and did not want to go out. We planned this breakfast almost a month ago.  I give up!  It was pretty pathetic.

When I was married, my ex somehow would ruin my birthdays.  Luckily, I would already have my plans in place and celebrate my birthday myself.  My worst birthday was when I turned forty.  I was so excited to have an actual party, unfortunately my ex was not all there and he marred the whole thing.  I had requested to buy a cake from a local bakery who made awesome cakes.  But, he insisted on making my cake.  I remember coming home from work and as I walked up to the screen door I saw my ex throw my birthday cake across the kitchen because it stuck to the pans.  I was so hurt.  I remember telling him I would take care of my own cake, he became angry and told me he would take care of it.  He purchased a cake from our local grocery store.  It was not a good party.

Now, I am at home.  My son called me from work and asked me where I had gone, I told him.  He told me that he wanted to take me out.  I don't want to go out.  I already celebrated my birthday and I am done.

Don't feel sorry for me, I already did that, but, not for long. I purchased myself a pair of lovely earrings, which I am wearing. 

I have always tried to take things in stride, but I no longer wait for anyone to celebrate my birthday's or any other holiday for that matter.  I still decorate for the Fall and Christmas.  I purchase my own chocolates and flowers for Valentine's and I am enjoying the little things life has to offer, because I know what I need and want.  I have stopped depending on anyone else making my life beautiful, God does that for me everyday, and HE treats me like a princess.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

"Fuck I'm Old!"  Sex in the City

 

Addendum

I love this time of year!  I know this has been shared before in my blog, but this time of year mellows me in some ways, and rejuvenates me in others.  I will be celebrating a birthday in two weeks.  How do I feel about that, well, I feel fine.  Being a woman of stature and maturity is becoming. I am really comfortable with my own skin.  I have liked myself for some time now, but now, I love who I am becoming. The passion of life has not escaped me.  Also, I am trying not to sweat the small stuff, well, I did say I am trying. 

Now part of this entry is a continuation of the conundrum of my renting the upstairs apartment, and I am so grateful that I am not.  My son and I did go into the office and speak with the management company and we sorted things out amicably. The decision for higher rent on the upstairs apartment was the owners decision, not the management company.  So much work is being done upstairs, my son and I could understand the motive behind such an increase.  Actually, to be quite frank, I am glad we are staying downstairs.  I feel safer and I am already settled.  Now, to paint and enjoy my little hobbit hole.  Hmmmm from Troll hole to Hobbit hole, all is well, and God is good.  I do feel better when I am able to talk things out, especially when my family is involved. 

Work has been going well.  I am still enjoying my job in the ER, even with all the changes.  It will be four years next March.  I thank the Lord for placing me where my heart can serve those who are hurting.

As I write this blog entry, I feel a sense of peace and gratefulness.  I believe I am coming out of a delayed reaction to all the trauma that I have experienced in the last fifteen years.  I pray that the Lord will protect my son and me through our continuing journey.  We are still healing, everything I went through, my son went through with me.  Please, Father, continue to have mercy on us and continue to bless us in your grace.

It is nice to listen to soft music and type this entry.  My son is with a friend to hang out for awhile and then he was going into work.  Please, Father, keep my son and his friend safe.  Bless their time together. 

Well, I believe I will be signing off.  I will try to write a little more.  My son told him that he enjoys reading my entries.  Well, I am glad because I know writing does help express myself and therapy can be so expensive.

"Forever Autumn" Justin Hayward

 

 



Needs and Autumn

I gave my son the news about the upstairs apt this morning.  He was asking that we should go into the office and offer to replace the toilet ourselves.  You know, I do not want to pay $185.00 more on rent and buy a toilet for a house that I have to fix or update.  I felt a little relieved and told my son that not being able to move upstairs was the issue, but the deceitfulness of the management company.  I should have read the reviews on their website, their deceit is a common practice, now I know.  So, I will need to finish the remainder of my lease, but I will start looking again.  God will provide.  I am hurt and at my age I am trying not to be so cynical, but maybe a little cynicism is needed.  Not all who smile and pretend to care do, I tell my son that all the time.  Maybe, I have to remind myself of that.  You would think that a woman my age would know that, and I do, but I do give people a chance.  Once I am screwed over I do not hesitate my treatment on them.  I am cordial, but never trusting again. We are NOT perfect, but I grew up and raised my sons to honor their word, it shows a man's or woman's character when their word is honored.  Good to get that off my chest.

Anyway .  .  .  .

I believe the Lord is giving us what we need, instead of what we want.  I trust God and follow His lead as the head of my home. 

It is Halloween today.  I cannot say it is my favorite holiday, but it is in the middle of my favorite season, Autumn.  I did not buy candy for tonight.  I do not know if children will be coming by for treats.  I am not in a festive mood for Halloween, but I did decorate for Autumn.  My little apartment looks so homey and warm.  I did get rid of a lot of Autumn decorations before we moved into this apartment, it was time to scale down.  I am glad I did and didn't, but decisions need to be made when scaling down.  My home would be so decked out with Autumn leaves, pumpkins and my turkeys.  Unfortunately, I had two broken turkeys, it was a little upsetting and they could not be glued.  It seems that gluing broken things is not what I want, I told my son that I have had so much brokenness in my life, I did not feel that gluing these turkeys would help.  Please, don't get me wrong, I am extremely joyful, but I am choosing not to hang unto things that cannot be fixed.  Especially, when so many of us are so broken and do not want healing.  I want my son to grasp the beauty of life and the blessings.  Yes, the world is unraveling in such a rapid pace, but we have to choose to be joyful, not blind, but finding joy in God's arms. 

Well, I will sign off for now.  Two entries in one day.  I guess I needed to express my disappointment,  but I need to accept these small blessings and enjoy the smallest needs are better than our large wants.

"Midnight Crow" Acrylic on canvas, artist Li lia



Lack of integrity.

It is 12:51 a.m. Halloween morning, early, early, morning.  I could not sleep after reading an email from the rental management company I rent from.  They had sent an email to inform me that they would not be able to rent the upstairs apartment because I requested too many things to be updated or fixed.  I only requested a new toilet.  They also added that I would be charged for breaking my lease downstairs.  Sad to say that this company has no integrity.  I am assuming that they are wanting more on the rent than what they offered me.  You, know in Colorado Springs, one can rent a one bedroom apt for eleven hundred dollars, so a two bedroom, one bath house with garage will probably bring in thirteen hundred dollars.  These greedy slumlords!! I will need to find another place to rent.  I am really unable to buy at this time, but I will start looking for a decent place to rent.  The state of Colorado allows slumlords to flourish.  I take care of my place and keep it clean.  I am a hurt because the vice president of this company sold me a bill of goods.  The place needs minor work, but these slumlords act like there are too many request for fixes.  I am upset and I hope that these slumlords would have the decency to at least replace the windows, which I can tell you they will not.  I wonder if these people live in the same shit holes they rent.  Right!!  I am done with people who are deceitful, with who they are, what they do and what they say.  I am glad that the Lord helped me to refrain myself when I emailed the rental company back.  I kept my integrity intact and responded with respect.  After some thought, I believe the Lord wants something better for my son and me, so I just pray we do not have another flood in our apartment, and that I can find a rental where the management cares about their renters and rentals.

Troll Hole

Wow!!  These months just flew by and I am still trudging along.  HA!  I am doing well.  Moved into my new little troll hole, and love it.  It took some time getting used to living in a house that was converted into two apartments.  I have a little back yard and I am cleaning up and landscaping little by little.  My neighbors upstairs keep to themselves.  I work with the male tenant who lives upstairs in the ER, he was the one who told me about this apartment. Apparently, he hesitated to tell me that his girlfriend and him are chain smokers.  Anyway .  .  .  .

 I will admit that I struggled with this apartment at first, it was a TROLL hole, I cried a lot.  My son kept encouraging me that I could make it into a home, then I remembered my first apartment in New Jersey, it was a makeshift building, with no insulation and it was right above the bay water.  I remembered I cleaned that place and made it our home, at least for about a week, because the neighbors upstairs had a fire which destroyed the building.  Ah, memories.  But I have to admit I struggled a little when I moved into this troll hole, which I lovingly call it, but it is sufficient for our needs.  We are basically settled and I do feel safe here.

My neighbors upstairs are possibly signing on a house, and their apt will be opened.  I spoke with the management company and asked them if we could have it, but if they could keep the rent the same.  They told us they would get back with us, first they needed to speak with the owner of the house.  I have to admit I do love my underground home, but the upstairs apartment has a fireplace, a tub and washer and dryer.  My downstairs has a stand up shower, no washer and dryer, so I go to the Laundromat, and the fireplace is not functional, it was sealed up. I am not complaining, but if they can keep the rent to what the upstairs tenants are paying, I would definitely consider taking it.

AUGH!!  Possibly another move, only I believe it would be easier because we would be moving upstairs.  We will see, and I promise to keep you posted.  I believe I took photos of this apartment before I swooped the hand of god though this place.  I will be honest, I cried a lot because I could not believe what it dump it was, but now it looks like a home, a warm home.  I still need to buy a love seat, I threw out the old one I had, it was time.

I had to find a home for my Maggie, it was a hard decision, but I had to do it.  She would cry for hours when we are gone, and the male tenant who lives upstairs works overnights in the ER, so he needs his sleep. I should have kept her.  A friend, of my son took her, and she is doing so well.  There are four people in that house and she has someone with her at all times. Unfortunately, she has gained 13 lbs, so I spoke with the new owner and told her not to give her too many snacks.  She promised to talk to her family.  I told the new owner that the vet felt she was healthy, but needed to lose weight, don't we all, because Maggie will start having back problems.  I have to share though, that when I took Maggie to the vet, she would not look at me.  She just was not the same with me.  I miss her and I understand that maybe she is angry and hurt, she was with us for 13 years, it broke my heart.  But, she truly is happy with the new owner and home.  She is more spoiled there than with me, if that is possible.  HA!  Well, I guess I will sign off for now.  I believe I shared enough to let you know that I am well and God is good.  I am grateful for His love for us, especially, on His taking care of my family and me.  I am grateful for God's provision.

My Maggie.  I love you and miss you.

  God take care of her.